Constructing a Calm Environment
Take deep breaths. Often, arguments provoke your fight-or-flight instincts, causing increased breathing and rapid pulse. Taking a moment to breathe can help you lower your blood pressure and focus your mind on moving on and cooling down. Breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth. Try counting to ten slowly as you breathe. Lengthen your out-breath, concentrating on the exhale of air from your lungs. Focus on the tension in your body as you breathe slowly; on each exhale, release that tension. Cover one nostril and breathe out and in on the uncovered side. Repeat 4 times, then switch sides.
Close your eyes and picture a place that makes you feel peaceful. Focus on recreating your childhood home, your favorite place, or some made up garden of peace and serenity. Not only will this take your mind off of your argument, but it will also help you calm down and feel safer and more relaxed.
Listen to soothing music. Play soft, soothing music like classical music or nature sounds to help you refocus your thoughts and regain your composure. Play it out loud or plug into headphones for a more intimate experience.
Meditate. Sit in a cool, quiet, comfortable place and focus on yourself, letting your surroundings, your worries, and your anger fall away. Focus on your breathing, and don’t make an active effort to forget or ignore your anger. Instead, let it fall away as you focus on other aspects of your environment and your body. Guided meditation apps can be a great help for meditating, especially if you're new to it. Some options that you can download for free include Insight Timer, Aura, Omvana, Calm, and Stop, Breathe & Think.
Drink a hot cup of tea. Sit somewhere comfortable and slowly sip tea, focusing on how the hot mug feels in your hands and the warm liquid feels as you swallow. Breathe in the aromatic smells and let the warmth and comfort of the tea relax your mind.
Release tension in your body by streching or exercising. Tension can build up in your muscles, especially your neck and shoulders. When you feel anxiety or anger, these muscles tighten. To release that tension, stretch your muscles or engage in exercise, such as a cardio routine, running, or dancing. You may want to go through your body consciously tightening and releasing your muscles, which helps release any tension you might have.
Removing Yourself Physically
Go for a walk. Moving to a different location can help you rethink and refocus. Let your feet wander, or take on a specific path that you like. Focus on your surroundings as you walk and take the time to let your thoughts clear. Take your walk away from the person you were just arguing with. If they go on the walk with you, it might be hard for you to calm down.
Work out or dance to lively music. One way to work out your aggression is to physically work it out. Building up a sweat can help you focus on other things, and the calm that comes after a particularly vigorous dance or workout can help you refocus and readjust. If you do choose to work out, make sure you focus on what you’re doing and don’t hurt yourself. It’s good to push yourself, but be careful of pushing yourself to hard.
Take a bath. Consider taking a bath in order to remove yourself from all distraction. Play music in the background, bring a book, or simply let your body relax into the warm water. Focus on removing the tension from your muscles and back, and try not to think about the argument, if possible.
Processing Your Emotions
Cry. Don’t be afraid to let it all out. Sometimes you have to release your emotions before you can process the way you’re feeling. A good cry can even make you feel cathartically cleansed afterwards.
Make a list of what you didn’t get to say. If you still feel frustrated because the of the argument, make a list of the things you wish you’d said. Then, try copying it down onto a new sheet of paper and rewriting it. The second time around, work on removing the anger and emotion from your words and just writing the facts. By addressing the facts and not just letting your emotions take control, you can find the cause of your anger.
Talk to a friend or outsider about the argument. Sometimes it helps to talk about your feelings and your experiences to someone else. If you do so, and especially if that person knows the person you fought with, try to present an unbiased opinion. Rehashing your emotions can often fan the flames of your anger instead of helping you cool down. If you have a pet, consider talking to your pet about the argument. They can’t respond, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t good listeners.
Take responsibility for the fight. Remember that it always takes two people to fight. As angry as you might be feeling towards the other person, remind yourself that you also need to model self-control. Work on acknowledging that you had a hand in the fight, and brainstorm ways to de-escalate an argument next time around. You can use a lot of the same strategies for cooling down after an argument during the argument itself! If you feel heated, try taking a deep breath, walking away and returning to the argument later, or changing your physical space.
Think about the argument from the other person’s perspective. If you can’t understand why the argument happened, or why the other person thinks the way they do, try putting yourself in their shoes. It might not work, but at the very least it can be helpful to try to think about the other person empathetically and be open minded to their life experiences.
Address the tension. The next time you see the person you fought with, address the fact that you fought. Neither of you might be ready to apologize yet, and that’s ok, but ignoring the fight will only damage your relationship further and create an elephant in the room. The next time you see the person, acknowledge that you argued and remind them how important they are to you. If you feel bad about getting mad, apologize for getting angry and tell them that you’ve cooled down. If you feel hurt by the argument, consider telling them about your feelings. Make it about you and how you feel, instead of focusing on everything they did wrong.
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