How to Help and Support a Friend Through Any Hardship

Doing the Right Things

Reach out to them repeatedly even if they push you away. You can’t help a friend if you retreat when problems arise. To be a good friend, you need to be there for late night talks or tears. For some people, a friend’s hardship is an annoyance. That’s not really friendship. Even if they say they want to be alone, at least make the offer. However, you should not force them to talk when they are not ready to do so. Give them the space they ask for, then reach out again. Several times. Don’t run away. Sometimes people aren’t sure what to say when a friend is going through a hardship, so they say nothing or distance. This could hurt your friend more. The number one goal should be to offer support. Just knowing someone is willing to listen or offer advice or cares can make all of the difference to a friend going through hardship. Call, text or write and just ask, “How are you? Is there anything you need or that I can to do?” Part of reaching out is just being available. Keep your cell phone on, and talk to them at 2 a.m. if they are in a crisis. Answer their texts. Don’t always be too busy to listen. Don’t feel you have to act differently. Pick the right setting, and avoid ambushing them if they aren't ready to talk. EXPERT TIP Laura Horne, MPH Laura Horne, MPH Health Education Specialist Laura is Chief Program Officer for Active Minds, the nation’s premier nonprofit organization supporting mental health awareness and education for students. Prior to Active Minds, Laura led public health initiatives at the National Association of County and City Health Officials and at Tulane University. She earned her Master of Public Health degree from Tulane University. She is certified as a Health Education Specialist by the National Commission for Health Education Credentialing. Laura Horne, MPH Laura Horne, MPH Health Education Specialist Don't worry that you won't know what to say. Health education specialist Laura Horne says: "In many situations, you don't have to be an expert to help—you just have to be there. Have a conversation with the person to let them know, 'I'm here for you.' If they need it, you can then refer them to additional sources of support."

Be the calm one as they are already upset enough. Be the rock in the storm they can cling to, and think of yourself as offering them an anchor. If you are also upset about the hardship, try not to let it show. Do not freak out. This will only make the friend feel like the problem is bigger or unsolvable, so it will make them more upset. Recognize that some people just need to feel badly for a while, and that’s okay. Although you should show empathy, showing them that you pity them excessively might make them feel worse. Don’t take impulse actions that might make the problem worse for the friend. After all, you don’t understand your friend’s problem as much as they do. Ask your friend before you do anything to help them rectify the situation. See how they feel about it (unless they are in danger or being abused, then you have to tell someone immediately).

Listen a lot, but do speak up now and then. You should be a good listener, but it can also be helpful to a friend going through hardship if you talk. Part of good listening is showing empathetic eye contact. Tell them positive stories about others’ experiences and outcomes and your own if you think it will make things better. But pause, too, and make sure you listen. Sometimes people just need to let it out and vent. Remember your friend is already hurting enough. Stay positive, positive, positive. It’s why they turned to you in the first place: For help. Let them ramble on for a while. Maybe they just need to get it all out. Even a sympathetic nod of understanding or a comment like, “I will help you get through this. You’re a strong person” can go a long way.

Recognize different techniques for different hardship. You may need a very different response for someone grieving a death of a loved one compared to someone going through financial hardship, for example. So spend some time researching their particular situation. If they are hurting financially, you could help them plan a budget, offer to look at their expenses with an objective eye, and suggest a financial counselor. Be very careful about loaning money to family or friends. It can ruin relationships. If they are grieving a death or any other loss, recognize that experts believe there are different stages of grief. The stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and, finally, acceptance. Connect your friend to credible, outside resources where they can get more help from someone who is an expert or trained in the area of their hardship.

Offer physical touch to your friend through a comforting hug. Or gently touch their shoulder. Conveying empathy through physical touch is bound to make them feel a little better or at least cared for. Sometimes all they need is a hug. No need to say anything - just open your arms and they'll hug you. Hold on for as long as possible as this will show them that you are there for them. Make them laugh. Do a song or dance or tell a joke. Once they have started laughing it will be more easy for them to recover and think about what they should do.

Saying the Right Thing

Keep it about them, not you. Although it’s okay to share your own experiences if you think they will convey empathy or help your friend, you should keep the focus squarely on the friend, not you. So resist the urge to regale them with stories about how you went through something worse. Don't try to one up them on their problems by throwing in your own problem. Maybe you are being stalked at night by a killer clown wearing sunglasses. But this is the time to be focusing on your friend's problem like their spouse or career or whatever they are going through.. That doesn’t mean you can’t find common ground by reminding them of a personal experience you had that was somewhat similar and that you overcame. But resist the urge to imply you know exactly how they feel because every situation is unique, and keep your own stories to a minimum.

Watch clichés that sound trite and don’t really help. We’ve all heard such clichés: “I understand how you feel” (even though you really don’t) or “it could be worse” when they feel absolutely awful. Instead of clichés, speak from the heart in a way that is individual to their experience. Friendship is all about knowing how to use honesty effectively. When a friend is going through a hard time, you have to evaluate the situation and process through your own personal view. Put yourself in your friend’s place, and feel the emotions they are going through. Say you are sorry for them, and let them express their feelings wholly. Avoid clichéd advice for situations, as they might think you don’t really care and might become sadder. Be realistic. Don’t say “it’s okay” if it’s really not. Instead, offer inspiration.

Stay positive at all times, and can the negativity. Reprimanding friends by saying things like “I told you you should have done this sooner” or “how many times did I tell you that?” is going to make them hurt more. By the time the conversation is over, you would be sorry you said anything. If a friend is repeating a negative pattern, you can quietly point this out by offering positive suggestions for how they can make a change rather than framing the point in blaming, negative language. Don’t be judgmental. That’s the bottom line. It won’t help, and it’s not the time. Save the deep talk about how they did x, y, or z wrong for after they are out of the crisis moment. They need to be consoled when things have gone terribly wrong, not be made to feel worse. Do not say mean things to them like “I told you so” or “this is your fault.” Picture this. You are "Lindsay's" best friend, and her parents are getting a divorce. You should be there to let her sob on your shoulder, spill her problems, or make her happy. But... She might also want some alone time. Make her a little care package, with movies, sweets, and things to make her laugh. Be a good friend, and help her through this hardship as you would want her to do for you

Offer solutions to them so they can improve their problems. Provide ways your friend can get through the hardship, as well as emotional encouragement. Help them see the positives that still remain in their life. Remind the friend that they don’t deserve whatever happened to them. Try to do something, if possible, that would actually change the hardship your friend is facing. If you can’t find anything to do, try putting effort in and do something else helpful for your friend. For example, maybe they’re too distraught to make dinner. Bring them over a plate of food. Offer to babysit their kids – things like that. Although you should offer constructive solutions, ultimately they need to make their own decisions about what to do. Let them draw their own conclusions and make their own decisions. Showing your genuine support will be the key here. Talk practical, never guide them if you aren't sure. Your overarching goal should be to listen, while occasionally providing constructive and positive solutions, advice or suggestions. You could provide all three if you are a particularly close friend.

Accept that the friend might not listen. A good friend offers guidance and suggestions, while recognizing that the friend, even though they are close to you, may not be ready to accept your support. Ultimately people need to work through things – bad relationships, financial worry, a death, you name it – on their own time. Understand and accept that your actions might not yield your expected results always. As a supporter, you should not be disappointed or discouraged by this. Do help them try to identify the causes of their problems and pinpoint possible remedies for them. Use your experience, instincts, and other peoples’ advice. Say "this is your life and you should do what you decide is best. But don't you think that ____ will lead to ___? Maybe you can ___? It's up to you though" instead of "that's an awful idea, you should ___".

Taking Other Action

Report abuse or any issue that could affect your friend’s safety. Not all hardships are the same. If the hardship your friend is experiencing is a threat to his or her safety – say a physically abusive relationship or threats of self-harm – you must act. Encourage your friend to tell someone in a position of authority more equipped to know what to do, such as a law enforcement officer or a therapist or religious leader or parent. If the friend refuses, and there is abuse occurring, talk to a person in authority on your own. If the friend is underage, you need to tell their parent if they are suffering from abuse, including bullying. Bullying is emotional abuse, and you shouldn’t try to handle something like that on your own. Don’t try confronting the abuser, as that could put you in danger too. Tell an adult.

Let them be sad for a while, but not forever. Don’t force them to cheer up or get angry if they can’t break out of their doldrums. They’re hurting. Sometimes they just need to wallow in it for a bit. But if the wallowing is going on for an excessive amount of time, you should try other responses. There comes a time when you might need a little tough love or you become an enabler. When is that point? When a significant amount of time has passed, and their continued sadness, grief, or depression is starting to have negative ramifications in other areas of their life, like work or school. At first wallowing is natural. Later on, not so much, although how much time that means is individual. At some point, direct them toward considering solutions.

Understand when this is getting out of your league. If you need space from the issue at a certain point because they aren’t healing and every conversation is about wallowing in sadness month after month, you might need to suggest a tougher intervention. Learn the signs of clinical depression , and if your friend has it, suggest getting help from a professional, such as a therapist or doctor. Remind them that you are not trained to be their therapist. Nor can you carry their problems on your shoulder forever. At a certain point, a little tough love in the form of a constructive solution or an honest reckoning of what you observe can help them more.

Distract them by doing something fun. Try to find ways to distract them from the issue for a while. Maybe ask them to go to a movie with you. It will get them out of the house, and they will forget about their troubles for a few hours at least. Distractions help a person gain perspective. Balance the wallowing and the distraction, though. Understand, at least in the beginning, that they might want to sit in their livingroom in a pair of pajamas instead. Get them some comfort food like ice cream or chocolate or their favorite foods. Bring it over to their house, and keep them company. Remind them of their achievements. Share a positive quote. To some degree carrying on with life as usual at a certain point can be healing for people. So don’t vary routines too much.

Keep their problems private so you don’t make it worse if they are not in danger. When a friend confides in you about a hardship, they are conveying a sense of trust in you. If you violate that trust by sharing their business elsewhere, you aren’t a good friend. The exception – and this really important – is for situations involving abuse, bullying, or any circumstance in which your friend is in danger, including emotionally. In those cases, you must tell someone in authority – a parent, a cop, or a therapist, for example. In other situations, don’t be a gossip. Don’t allude to their problems on social media or tell other people in your circle of friends, even if it’s under the guise of trying to get them more help.