How to Make Your In Laws Like You

Being a Good Spouse and Parent

Love and respect your spouse. The best route to winning over your in-laws is by being a good spouse. Your partner’s parents may naturally admire you if they see that you are making their child happy. Do your best to maintain a healthy relationship with your spouse and you’ll be one step closer to making your in-laws like you.

Be family-oriented. Your in-laws will like you more when you prove that you value family. Being a good parent and spending quality time with your family will go a long way towards earning their respect. When it’s all said and done, all they really want is for their child and grandchildren to be loved and well-cared for.

Encourage them to spend time with your children. If you try to come in between your in-laws and their grandchildren, they’ll dislike you. Be respectful of their role as grandparents and provide opportunities for them to be a part of your children’s lives. Invite them to birthday parties and awards ceremonies. Let your children visit with them on weekends or school holidays.

Building a Connection with Them

Be polite yet warm around them. Don’t be cold-shouldered and aloof around your in-laws and expect them to like you. Put your best foot forward and demonstrate a relaxed, inviting personality. Smile, greet them warmly, shake hands, and hug, if that’s typical in your family.

Inquire about their lives. Let your in-laws know that you’re interested in developing a relationship with them and they’ll have a positive perception of you. Do this by taking an interest in their lives and their interests. A simple, “How’s that garden coming along, Mrs. Henderson?” or “Have you been fishing lately. Mr. Greene? I’d love to hear about your latest catch,” can show how thoughtful you are.

Ask their advice. Parents love to feel like they are imparting knowledge onto their children—in-laws are no different. Show regard for them and their unique skills by asking their advice about a dilemma or requesting that they teach you something. For example, if your father-in-law built an impressive deck, you might ask him for pointers on your own backyard landscaping. If your mother-in-law is a talented baker, ask her to show you how to make her famous apple pie.

Ask them to tell stories. You can also show interest in the lives and histories of your in-laws by asking them to tell you more about their own upbringings or what your spouse was like as a child. Sharing heartfelt or funny stories can help you bond. You might say, “Sylvia is so determined. Was she like that as a girl, too?”

Remember little details. Nothing shows your attention and consideration like keeping up with the little things. Help your in-laws develop fond feelings for you by noticing the little details that are important to them. For example, if you invite your in-laws over for dinner, purchase the type of wine they like. If your father-in-law had a big presentation at work, ask how it went the next time you see him.

Bring gifts. Another way to make your in-laws like you is by giving them gifts. Consider picking up a bouquet of their favorite flowers before a visit or ask them to tag along when you score tickets to a sporting event. Don’t overdo the gift-giving, as this can come off as insincere or make them feel like you are trying to “buy” their affection. However, gifts can be a thoughtful way to show your in-laws how much you care.

Managing Differences or Disputes

Respect their family traditions. Your spouse may have come from a different background than your own, and you may not completely understand their family traditions. Even if you don’t understand or agree with their beliefs, you can still show respect. For example, if celebrating Hanukkah is important in your spouse’s family, participate in the events as long as it doesn’t contradict your own belief. If you have contradicting beliefs, respect your spouse’s wish to still participate in such events. Family traditions go beyond culture and religion. Your spouse’s family may also have special traditions like Sunday brunch together or a Christmas Eve feast.

Focus on the solution, not the problem. It's easy to get bogged down in the details of a dispute, but doing so may push you and your in-laws further apart. Instead of dwelling on the problem, try to be solution-focused. Instead of going on and on about how your in-laws offended you, explain what you would like them to do in the future so the problem can be resolved. For example, instead of saying "I can't believe you told the kids my religion was silly," you might say, "I respect your religious beliefs even though I don't agree with them. I expect you to do the same and not put them down in front of the children." If you offended your in-laws, then apologize and move on.

Put in extra effort to regain trust. If you've done something to threaten the trust between you and your in-laws, show that you are trying to rebuild. Keep in mind that this relationship may be for life. Being standoffish or dwelling on the past won't help matters, so make an effort to move on and regain trust. You might work to regain trust by apologizing for your role in the problem, asking them how you can make amends, addressing the behaviors that compromised trust, and being careful to avoid similar problems in the future.

Find common interests. Putting in a little extra effort shows your in-laws how dedicated you are to being a part of their family. Can you think of any passions they have that relate to you? If so, form a connection by talking about or engaging in these activities together. For instance, maybe your in-laws were in a band during their youth. If you enjoy the same genre of music, you might talk about which records or instruments you like or go to concerts together. It may even be fun to sing or write songs together.

Be you. At the end of the day, the best way to make your in-laws like you is by being yourself. You are more likely to win their approval if you come off as genuine in your interactions with them. Try to make them like you, but don’t compromise who you are in the process.