Helping a Suicidal Parent
Ask if they are truly thinking about hurting themself. It's scary to come right out and ask, but you should do it. The most important thing you can do for your parent is to let them know that you hear the pain. Knowing that he is actually being heard and taken seriously can be the first step to recovery. Kindly and gently say something along the lines of, "Dad, it really hurts me to see you in such pain. When you said 'I feel like killing myself,' did you really mean that?" If Dad says, "I was just so frustrated... but I'm fine now" that means you can probably exhale. It does not mean he won't feel worse later, but it does mean he wasn't serious. Continue to monitor him in the coming weeks, and it is okay to ask periodically if he is thinking about suicide. If Dad says something along the lines of, "I'm just tired of everything," or "I'm tired of living, I'd be better off dead", that is much more serious. Validate their feelings and remember that these kinds of thoughts are actually common. Try to really understand what is going on with your parent and make sure they feel heard and validated.
Find out if they have a plan and/or the means to carry out the threat. This may seem like something you should avoid asking, but nevertheless, this is not a time to get shy or nervous — a life is at stake. If Mom or Dad is "tired of everything," ask, "If you seriously were to kill yourself, how would you do so?" Again, you are trying to assess how lethal the intention is. If Dad says, "I'd probably use my gun," it is absolutely necessary that you figure out where the gun is. If it's locked in a gun box or locker, you should take possession of the key. If it's in the nightstand drawer, you could go and hide it elsewhere. However, that is a serious threat, no matter how you cut it because Dad (A) has a plan (a gun) and (B) has the means (the gun) to carry out the threat. Remove the gun from the house, then call the emergency services or take your dad to the nearest emergency room for psychological evaluation and referral for treatment. On the other hand, if Dad responds with something like, "Oh, I don't know. Maybe pills? Something painless?" this is a less credible threat, but regardless, it should still be taken very seriously. You can press a little and ask what sort of pills. A response like, "Tylenol — lots of it. We have a huge bottle of them," is bad (he knows what pills he is thinking of, and has enough on hand). Something like, "I haven’t thought it out that far." is not as bad (he's unsure if he has enough to do the job and which pills he's even thinking of). In either case, it is imperative that your dad seek professional help for evaluation and treatment. Call his primary care physician, therapist, or psychiatrist if he has an established provider.
Understand that you are not a mental health professional. There are some situations that cannot be handled by family and/or friends, no matter how much you love your parent or how good your intentions are. If your parent seems truly serious, repeats the threat more than once, or makes an attempt on his life, realize that you are out of your depth and will need to call emergency services (911 will do for starters in the US/Canada). That said, you don't have to be a mental health professional to listen and to be a good person. Remember to validate their feelings and to look for different resources while you both discuss the options of professional help. Avoid saying things like “Just snap out of it” or “You shouldn't think about this”. These kinds of ideas aren't going to make your parent feel safe enough to share how they're feeling, and that is extremely important.
Get help. If you believe that your parent is deadly serious about their threat, call 911 or the police. These agencies can help transport your parent to the hospital for psychological assessment and treatment. You can also go to another family member with your fears, or go to a family friend or a teacher to seek support and direction. Someone will be able to get professional help for your parent. Don't wait. If you cannot shake a bad feeling about this, make contact with someone quickly so that an intervention has a chance to work.
Maintaining Hope
Accept that you are not responsible for the situation. It is not your fault. If a parent is truly suicidal, don't assume her decision has anything to do with you. Those who contemplate suicide often have untreated mental disorders, such as depression. If your parent is considering such a tragic decision, don't blame yourself or anyone else.
Let your parent know that you still see them as being strong. Feeling that they have lost standing in your eyes may undermine his or her recovery. Make sure your parent knows it's important to you that they are proud of you, approves of your decisions, etc. — just the little, everyday things that you do as a child to a parent. As they get older and lose independence, it's common for parents to think that they are a burden, specially if there are medical or cognitive conditions involved in the situation. Make sure you listen to their concerns and validate them. Do not dismiss their feelings.
Ask if you can pray for them if you are a person of faith. Take their hand, and pray that they will be comforted and find peace settling upon her, and that you can be of help somehow. Many researchers view spirituality and religiosity as potential coping resources for suicidal thoughts. Praying with your parent might provide comfort and a reminder about their reasons for living. Keep it short — it's not about a long rant. It's about (A) putting your faith to work at a crucial time for a person in need and (B) letting your parent know how very much you love and care for her by offering a very intimate gift. Praying may have the effect of soothing your heart, and making you feel more confident, plus it can really help your parent to know that your faith is helping you to be strong when she cannot be. Take pride in the fact that you are doing what you can to help your parent get the help they deserve.
Talk to a friend or counselor. Having social support during this difficult time can be invaluable. You may want someone to encourage you when you feel hopeless, or you may need mental health counseling to sort through your feelings about a suicidal parent. Seek your own help if you need it. Don't feel like you need to put on a brave front. Suicide is frightening to everyone.
Be discreet. It's okay, even necessary, for you to talk about this with another person, but be sure they are trustworthy and try not to tell too many people. Otherwise you might embarrass your parent or put pressure on her to present a strong facade — both for friends and family and for you.
Coping with Emotional Manipulation
Learn to spot emotional manipulation. In some instances, a parent may threaten suicide as a way of frightening you or getting you to do something they want. While such threats should still be taken seriously, you also have to take measures to protect yourself emotionally. You can identify emotional manipulation suicide threats by their tell-tale "If, then" form, although sometimes they may be more subtle. Your parent may make a conditional statement, such as: "If you leave me here all alone, I will kill myself." "If I can't come live with you, I may as well just die." "If you really love me and want me to stay alive, you wouldn't treat me like this."
Express concern, but set boundaries. Convey to your parent that you are sorry they are in pain and that you want to help, but you will not be controlled or manipulated by threats. Do this in a gentle and non-assuming way, and actually follow up on your words and call for professional assistance. For example, say "Mom, I love you so much and I definitely don't want you to hurt yourself, but you can't come to live with me right now. I will do what I can to make sure you get the help you need." Such a statement shows compassion, but sets boundaries of what you will and won't do.
Don't give in to demands. No matter what your parent threatens, avoid trying to prove yourself or give in to the manipulation. Doing so will only jump start a repetitive cycle of your parent tossing around threats whenever things are not going his way. Stand firm in your boundaries. And, remember, even if you were to give in this one time, it wouldn't resolve the underlying emotional problem that prompted them to threaten suicide in the first place. Let your parent know that you are concerned for his safety, thus when they threaten suicide you will take them seriously and call the emergency services so they can receive the proper treatment. Setting this boundary releases you from manipulation while ensuring your parent remains safe.
Refrain from confronting your parent. Try your best to prevent any fighting or confrontations. There is no need to tell your parent that you know they are manipulating you. This may only worsen the situation and deter you from reaching a solution. A power struggle may result in your parent attempting a suicide simply to show you he or she was serious. Once you identify emotional manipulation hiding behind these suicidal threats, consult with a therapist for your parent and yourself. With the guidance of a professional, you may be able to express your feelings about being manipulated in a safe environment without fearing your parent will attempt suicide.
Place the responsibility in your parent's hands. Remember, no matter how much you love, care for, or pray for your parent, you cannot keep them alive — only your parent can do that. It is unfair for your parent to place such a burden (i.e. whether they live or die) in your hands. Clearly state your concerns, but continue to stand behind your boundaries: "Dad, it hurts me to hear you say you want to kill yourself. But, no matter what I say or do, that decision lies with you. I can't stop you from harming yourself, but I do want you to get the appropriate help."
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