How to Understand a Teenager

Respecting Their Needs

Communicate your expectations to them clearly. Let your teenager know exactly what you expect them to do and not do. This will reduce conflict, and it will help your teenager understand their responsibilities. Try to express these boundaries in loving ways. You might: Ask them to do manageable tasks. For example, instead of telling them "can you clean up?", ask them, "Can you wash the dishes tonight?" Give them two clear choices. For example, you might say, "You can either go to the movie tonight with your friends or sleep over at their house on Friday." Ask them to state the consequences of their actions. For example, you might say, "what do you think will happen if you miss too many of your classes?"

Allow them levels of independence. Slowly support your teen in developing their independence as they mature. For example, let your younger teen choose how to decorate their room and style their hair. Older teens may be able to use the car, attend activities without an adult, or hold a part-time job. A controlling parent may face increased conflict with a teen who seeks independence. Ask your teen what independence they’d like and come to some compromises.

Accept their social needs. Teens are often concerned with social relationships, fitting in with peers, and making social decisions such as whether to use drugs or engage in sexual activity. They will likely want to spend more time with friends than with their family. While it’s important for them to be a part of the family, make sure that you respect their need to engage in friendships, be with friends, and create their social identity. Allow your teen to join clubs or groups or do other social activities (such as go to the skate park, join sports teams, or hang out with friends). Ask your teenager about their friends, and try to learn their names. Before they hang out, meet their friends in person if you can.

Respect their privacy. Teens want increasing independence and this includes needs for privacy, too. It might feel like your teen is tuning you out or ignoring you, but they are likely wanting some space to be alone (or with friends). Respect their desire for privacy and consider giving them increased privacy as they get older. If your teen isn’t forthright in talking to you or wants to spend less time with you, don’t take it personally and instead, see it is a developmental stage. You do, however, get the final say in their activities and should look out for their safety.

Recognize their sleep habits. It’s natural for teens to fall asleep later (after 11 p.m.) and sleep in the next morning. Be mindful of these sleep patterns, but also encourage them to get adequate sleep. Not getting enough sleep can affect their moods, memory, and concentration. If your teen struggles to get restful sleep, remove electronic devices from their bedrooms (cell phones, televisions, tablets, etc) so that the light does not stimulate them instead of relaxing them. A consistent bedtime can also help with getting more restful sleep.

Let them make their own mistakes. No matter how many warnings you give, teens often prefer to learn experientially. Some teens may need to fail or make mistakes in order to learn from them and be responsible. As a parent, it’s difficult to watch your child fail. Let them know that you support them, love them, and you will be there for them, no matter the outcome. Be there to comfort your teen when they are disappointed, even if you want to say, “I told you so.”

Finding Ways to Connect

Listen actively to your teen. If you remember being a teenager, then you probably remember that it wasn’t easy. If your teen is complaining about their difficulties, don’t immediately brush them off or say, “I had it worse.” Instead, listen in. While their problems may sound trivial to you, they feel big to your teen. Practice empathy by hearing them out and imagining yourself in their place. Relate to how problems can feel big even when they are small.

Ask questions to show interest. One of the best ways to build connections and understand your teen is by being curious and asking questions. Don’t pester your teen, but show curiosity toward them and ask them about their interests, friends, goals, and dreams. When asking questions, keep them open-ended. For example, instead of asking, “Did you have a good day at school?” say, “What activities did you enjoy at school today?” When your teen does share with you, listen and respond thoughtfully. Have regular and frequent conversations with your child. Talking together should be a daily activity.

Spend quality time together. While your teenager may be becoming their own person, you should still look for opportunities to spend time together. Look for activities that aren't connected to their schoolwork or extracurriculars. You can: Eat dinner together every night Play boardgames Do a craft project Take a hike Go on a family vacation Visit a local festival

Support their activities. Whether your child is a star athlete or master chess player, support the activities that interest them, even if they interest you very little. Understanding their likes and interests can give you a glimpse into their life. If you’re concerned or don’t understand their interests, do some research and learn about them. Find ways to support their chosen activities. Attend athletic games, go to plays, and support their after-school activities.

Recognize cultural influences. Teens want to have a unique identity, yet also want to fit in and feel accepted by their peers. Feeling included (via sports, clothes, music, or interests) aids in their sense of belonging. They may also look up to athletes, academics, or actors as role models on how to talk or dress. Teens might look to social media and the internet for what’s acceptable or how to fit in. Spend some time watching television shows your teen enjoys or get to know the activities they like. Do activities together that your teen enjoys.

Supporting Their Mental and Emotional Health

Let them express their emotions. Adults often tell teens to stop sulking or being upset or angry, but let your teen express their emotions. If they avoid their feelings or stuff them down, they will likely come out in a more negative way later. Teens are learning how to identify and manage their emotions, so allow them to do this. It’s important for them to recognize and accept their feelings as they happen and find ways to release their emotions, like talking to a friend. Remind your teen that there are no good or bad emotions, but there are good and bad ways of dealing with them.

Tell them that you love them no matter what happens. Your teenager may worry that you will judge them or become angry when they make a mistake. Let them know that while you may not agree with all of their decisions, you will still love them no matter what. Try not to expect perfection out of your teenager. Part of life is making mistakes, and your teenager may make a few as they grow up. Help them learn from these mistakes without judging them.

Be sensitive to their moods. Give teens space to manage their emotions on their own. Leave them be in their room or back off after arguments. Have some empathy toward their moodiness as it can result from triggers such as a breakup, academic disappointment, or social or family problems. If mood swings happen frequently (days instead of hours, for example) or intensely, you may want to ask a professional about mental health treatment.

Get professional help for your teen if they exhibit extreme behaviors. Notice any sudden or major changes to their behavior. This might include extreme weight gain or weight loss, changes to sleeping or eating habits, failing grades, sudden changes in friends, skipping school, or signs of using substances or alcohol. If your teen exhibits some of these symptoms, get them professional help. See a therapist or make an appointment with their physician.

Get involved in their mental health. If your teen has a mental health diagnosis such as ADHD, anxiety, or depression, do some research on it. Talk to their physician or mental health counselor about how you can support them and aid in their treatment.This can help your child feel supported and understood. Take them to appointments, talk to their therapist, and understand their treatment. Ask them about their diagnosis in a non-invasive way. For example, say, “What is it like to have ADHD?” or, “How does anxiety affect your academics?”