Think Your Friend Wants More? 6 Ways to Tell

Signs Your Friend Wants More

They act differently around you. Does your friend suddenly seem awkward in your presence, even though the two of you are really close? Are they more or less physically affectionate than normal? Any significant departure from how they normally act around you can signal that their feelings about you have changed. For example, they might ask if they can get a glass of water when they're over at your place when normally they would just get up and get it without saying anything. You might also notice that they seem to pay more attention to their appearance or be more self-conscious around you than they normally are.

They tend to hover closer to you. When people are romantically attracted to someone, they typically want to be as close to that person as possible. If you have a friend who's starting to think of you in other ways, they might seem glued to your side whenever you're together. If you and your friend are typically pretty physically affectionate, this might be difficult to notice. Try pulling away just a little or shifting your weight and see if they do the same to stay close. Kaplan emphasizes that "what keeps people out of the friend zone is good body language. That means eye contact [and] facing... your legs and your feet towards the person you're speaking to."

They are more attentive to you. If your friend is interested in starting a more committed relationship with you, they might suddenly show interest in things you do that they previously didn't really care about. They might offer to help you in ways they previously wouldn't have bothered, or otherwise seem to be willing to go out of their way for you. If they seem to be putting your needs or interests ahead of their own in the process of being so attentive, that's another sign that they're interested in something more than a friendship with you.

They start asking you more personal questions. If your friend is interested in you as a potential life partner, they'll definitely want to delve deep into what makes you tick. They'll want to know about things that you value as well as important pieces of your identity. For example, your friend might start asking you to tell them more about your mental illness even though they've known about your diagnosis for years. Kaplan notes that this emotional vulnerability is something that "really separates friends from romantic partners." She advises "actually trying to kind of be vulnerable and confide in that person just a little bit without oversharing."

They flirt with you. If you've been platonic friends for a while, chances are the two of you probably don't flirt with each other the way you would with a potential love interest. Has that suddenly changed? If your friend is suddenly sending you a lot of winking emojis and tossing you flirty off-hand compliments, they might be interested in getting to know you in a different way. If you feel comfortable flirting back with your friend, go for it! At the same time, stay aware of what the two of you are doing. Jay notes that a little can go a long way: "[G]iving them compliments here and there can be more than enough for them to know that you're interested in them." When you feel things start heating up, say something just to remind your friend of who you are and what's going on. It could be as simple as, "Are you flirting with me? Really?"

You feel something different whenever they're around. This is something somewhat elusive that it can be hard to put your finger on, but maybe you just feel like there's a little bit of a spark in the air. Things seem just a little lighter and more magical when your friend is around. You can also feel this in little moments. For example, you might hold eye contact for just a split second longer than normal and feel the flutter of butterflies in your stomach.

Defining the Relationship

Think about your feelings for your friend. If you suspect that your friend has romantic feelings about you, how do you feel about them? Do you reciprocate those feelings, or are you willing to try to search for them? It can help to journal about this to dig really deeply into what your feelings really are. If you're on the asexual or aromantic spectrum, you might feel like you want something more than a traditional friendship but without the sexual or romantic components of a traditional life partner relationship. Think about different types of relationships and how those might be fulfilling for you. If a traditional romantic relationship doesn't appeal to you, for example, you might consider a queerplatonic relationship.

Choose a calm, private place to have a conversation. A quiet setting allows you and your friend to focus on each other without distractions so that you can hear and understand each other. It also signals to your friend that you care about them and respect them. Make sure there's enough privacy that both you and your friend will feel at ease talking about your deepest thoughts and feelings. It's hard to be open if you're worried that you might be overheard.

Tell your friend about your thoughts or feelings. Opening up the conversation can be as simple as saying something like, "I think things have felt a little different between us lately." If they ask how, tell them about the things you've noticed them doing. If you're the one with the feelings, you might tell them things that you've noticed lately about them and how you feel about them. Stick with your direct observations and statements about your own feelings. Then, give your friend the chance to do the same thing without making any assumptions. Jay agrees that "the best approach is being direct" about your feelings. Emphasize that the friendship is very important to you and that you don't want to do anything that might jeopardize that.

Listen to what your friend has to say. While your friend is talking, give them your full attention. Make appropriate eye contact and listen actively to show your friend that you care about how they feel and what they have to say. When your friend pauses, repeat back a paraphrase of your understanding of what they said. This helps you process what they said and also gives them the opportunity to correct any misunderstandings. If there's anything your friend says that you don't understand, ask open-ended questions to try to get to the heart of it. It might be that all you get from your friend is denial. Despite that all signs point to them having a romantic interest in you, they might claim they don't notice anything different. If that happens, just let it go. They might have feelings they're not ready to deal with yet.

Decide together how you want to handle the situation. Take a look at everything—your needs and wants, your friend's needs and wants, and how those fit together in the context of your relationship. Is your relationship going to change, and if so, how? Are you going to see each other more or less often? These are things the two of you can work out together. If either you or your friend (or both of you!) are asexual or aromantic, this relationship could provide you with a very safe space to explore different relationship dynamics and find something that best suits each of your lives. If you decide for whatever reason that you're not interested in pursuing a potential romantic relationship, that's fine! You and your friend need to do what's best for each of you as well as for your friendship. Jay advises to be clear about what you want, "just saying you like the friendship and you want to keep it in the friend zone and thanks but no thanks." Don't get caught in the trap of thinking that friendship is somehow less than a romantic relationship—your relationship with each other is your own and you have the opportunity to develop and define it in the way that works best for the two of you.

Transitioning from Friendship to Romance

Discuss and respect each other's boundaries. If you and your friend have decided to become something more than "just friends," re-evaluate what kinds of things are appropriate between you now. Are you going to keep everything about your relationship the same and just add more to it, or are you going to change a few things? For example, if your friend has a key to your apartment, you might talk about if you feel comfortable with them coming over unannounced now that you're dating. Talk about the sort of expectations you might have for each other in this different type of relationship and how they differ from the expectations you had in the friendship. It might be that it's easier for the two of you if nothing changes at all and you just kind of play it by ear—but it's still worth it to have a conversation about it and make sure you're both on the same page.

Take things slowly and progress intentionally. Because you were originally friends, you're already really familiar with each other and know each other really well. This means you run the risk of rushing into a different kind of relationship too quickly, which can cause all sorts of problems. Make a pact with your friend to take things slowly and deliberately and keep up an open conversation about your relationship transition. Studies show people tend to be more satisfied with their romantic relationships when they consider their partner a close friend, so you're well on your way to building a solid foundation for a strong, healthy relationship.

Make a conscious effort to date each other. If love is in the air, the two of you deserve to go through that new-relationship stage. Try specially-planned date nights to help you stir up that romance and feel tingly in all the right ways. If you've been friends for a while, you're likely already pretty casual and comfortable around each other. You might want to step it up a notch, similarly to how you would dress and act around someone you'd been dating for a few weeks. It can be easy to slip back into "friend mode," so make it a habit to constantly remind yourself of your new relationship status. Kaplan notes that "experiences are a lot better for bonding than actual gifts. And so, a great thing to do is surprise them with tickets to something that you can experience together."

Put your friendship over everything else. Think of these romantic feelings as something that will only add to your relationship, not take away from it or destroy it. If you ever start to feel as though the romance is threatening your friendship, it's usually best to put the romance to the side—at least for now. Stay alert to changes in each other's behavior as well as your own. If things start getting weird or uncomfortable, bring it up before it becomes too big of a deal. This might also mean that you decide to wait a while before you go public with the change in your relationship status. Take all the time you need for the two of you to be comfortable telling everyone you know.

Keep the lines of communication open. When your relationship is transitioning to a different dynamic, you're both in a very vulnerable place. Be open and honest with each other and reach out to your partner the second anything starts to feel even a little off. If you can address a potential issue before it becomes a big deal, you can help the transition go a lot more smoothly. You might want to schedule weekly relationship check-ins with your partner, at least for the first month or so while your relationship is transitioning. Having a scheduled check-in takes the pressure off of either of you to bring up a potentially sensitive subject. Make an effort to constantly reinforce the love and care you feel for your partner so that they always feel safe with you, even when they need to say something critical.

Navigating a Vague Relationship Status

Set strong boundaries to protect yourself. It's totally possible to maintain a sort of undefined relationship with your friend if that's what it ends up being. Just be very honest with yourself about what makes you uncomfortable or sad and let your friend know. For example, if it makes your heart skip a beat when they hug you but they've made it clear they don't want to be anything other than friends with you, you might ask them not to hug you for the time being. These boundaries keep you from continuing to get hurt so that you can continue to be friends while the unrequited feelings fizzle.

Embrace the freedom that comes with a lack of commitment. You love your friend and you love having them in your life—and they're not going anywhere! If you think about it, it's almost like you get to have your cake and eat it too. You can spend time with your favorite person while still flirting or going out with others. If you and your friend have been physical with each other, make sure they know when you're physical with anyone else and whether you used protection. This openness shows that you care about them and their safety.

Maintain open communication about the situation. When your friendship feels like a bit of a gray area, it can be hard to figure out what's okay and what's not okay—sometimes on a daily basis. Try to create rules that you can apply to other situations so you can ultimately build something like a set of boundaries for the relationship. For example, you might feel weird going out on a date with someone else since you started sleeping with your friend, but the two of you haven't had that DTR (define the relationship) talk yet. Just ask how they'd feel if you went out on the date. It's also possible that your friend is just fine with you dating other people as long as it's not anybody they know. Kaplan notes that "ultimately, we tend to live in a world where we think people can read our minds but, ultimately, sometimes it's as simple as really just sharing with them what you're feeling and then they can kind of follow suit."

Manage your own emotions. Your feelings can flip-flop all over the place when you're in an undefined relationship. One minute you're on cloud nine, the next you're sure that they hate you and don't even want to be friends with you anymore. Having good calming strategies and coping mechanisms to control these sorts of emotions will make the situation easier to deal with. If you find yourself getting heated when you're with your friend, take a break for a minute before you resume the conversation. Step outside or into a different room and take a few deep breaths. Undefined relationships involve a lot of uncertainty and uncertainty causes anxiety in a lot of people. It's totally normal for you to feel insecure or stressed out about the situation.

Respect your friend's boundaries. If you're making your friendship your top priority, you don't want to do anything that's going to make your friend feel upset or uncomfortable. Ask your friend to tell you if you do something that they're not okay with so that you can correct your behavior. Remember that even if you don't share all of the same feelings, you're still friends! That means they still really love you and care about you—even if it's not in all the same ways. Your friend also might not be ready to deal with their emotions or handle a change in your relationship—and that's okay too. Have patience and show them that you love them and no matter what happens your relationship will be great.