Mixed Signals Meaning
“Mixed signals” describes someone's inconsistent romantic behavior. In dating, “mixed signals” are when someone’s words and actions make it hard to tell what they want from a relationship. They’re hot and they’re cold. They make plans, then bail last-minute. They tell you they’re in it for the long-term, but shy away from any sort of commitment. Ultimately, they make you confused about the nature and even status of the relationship. Mixed signals can happen at pretty much any stage of a relationship, whether it’s been just 1 date, or even after the relationship ends. “Mixed signals” can also be a more general term; it doesn’t just apply to relationships. You might get mixed signals from your job, family, or even friends.
Reasons Why People Give Mixed Signals
They’re not sure about their own intentions, or fear commitment. Sometimes, people send mixed signals because they’re still figuring out what they want from romance themself. Maybe one moment they think they want something serious, and that’s what they tell you, but the next they get cold feet and start backing away. If someone doesn’t have a goal or future in mind, or is afraid of making those plans, they’re more likely to be inconsistent as they figure out what they want. Example: They say they want kids, but then act annoyed or off-put whenever they interact with someone else’s kids. They probably have a little more thinking to do before they start a family.
They’re hoping you make the first move. Mixed signals can also be a case of shyness, or even submissiveness, especially at the start of a relationship. Being a little inconsistent or unpredictable can be a way of goading another person into making a move, being more forthright or taking charge in the dynamic, so that they don’t have to themself. Example: They keep suggesting a coffee date, but never propose a time and place, or even decline concrete plans, hoping that you’ll be more aggressive in your romantic pursuit.
They’re trying to catch your attention. It’s not the most sound dating advice, but it is classic: play hard to get to keep you on your toes and interested. Some people send mixed signals on purpose as a way to entice you and keep you curious, hoping that you’ll stay invested. But this kind of thing can’t last forever, and becomes pretty tiring for the person being led on. Example: They usually act warm and friendly toward you, but occasionally their mood becomes chilly, hoping you’ll work harder to overcome their stonewalling after you’ve gotten a taste for their good side.
They have personal issues, or even a personality disorder. Poor communication can sometimes be caused by bad experiences in past relationships, or personal struggles like insecurity or anxiety. Or, someone may suffer from any number of personality disorders that make clear communication a struggle, like borderline personality disorder or narcissistic personality disorder. Example: They cancel plans after you’re a little slow to reply, thinking that your delay means you're not interested. Their last partner had very little enthusiasm, which is now interfering with their current romances.
They’re doing it unintentionally, or it’s a misunderstanding. Sometimes, mixed signals are truly just a case of crossed wires. They might say something harmless or even positive that makes sense to them, but their meaning doesn’t totally come across, and it gets interpreted as something negative. That’s why it’s best to communicate clearly and honestly, whenever possible, and avoid playing the mixed signals game. Example: They bail on 2 plans in a row without much explanation, and leave you feeling like they’re not interested, but in reality they’re taking care of private matters that keep getting in the way.
Examples of Mixed Signals in a Relationship
They’re hot-and-cold all the time. One moment they’re all over you, and are extremely affectionate. The next moment, they give you the cold shoulder, and you’re left wondering what you did to make them shun you. Or, their friendly words don’t match their closed-off body language. Often, though, you didn’t really do anything. This is a common manipulation tactic that preys on your desire to please them, to keep you around.
They make plans but often don’t follow through. You’ve been looking forward to that dinner date all week, but they text and bail at the last minute. Maybe they reschedule, but they might just bail on that one, too. Making plans is an easy way to show interest and keep you hooked, but following through might be too “real” for them, or they may not actually want to spend time together.
They say they’re serious, but don’t commit to a relationship. This is also sometimes called “breadcrumbing.” They drop little hints and bits of information that suggest they’re all-in, or that they’re committed, but never actually show meaningful commitment. They may not know exactly what they want, and are only saying what they think you want to hear. Or, they may just be keeping their options open, at your expense. Breadcrumbing can often lead to a “situationship”—a romantic relationship that’s only vaguely defined.
It feels like you’re only in a relationship when it’s convenient for them. When things are good, things are really good. But when something else grabs their attention, or it’s time to do some of the harder things in a relationship (like supporting each other emotionally), they act like being together is some huge burden. It can sometimes feel like they’re only in it to have fun, but when the time comes to put their money where their mouth is, they vanish.
Their eyes wander, or they flirt with other people (even their ex). It might be subtle—just a peek at that guy you just passed on the sidewalk—or more overt—they chat up someone at the bar while you’re in the bathroom. They may even get back in touch with their ex. Even if everything else is going well in the relationship, wandering eyes can make you doubt their commitment or intentions.
They encourage you to open up, but won’t open up themself. Maybe they’re a great listener, and always have time to talk you through your troubles and worries. But now that you think about it, they almost never open up themself, and are even pretty guarded. It’s often a sign they’re not ready for the emotional vulnerability a relationship requires. Or, they may have different needs surrounding communication that must be addressed.
They act differently in public than in private. When you’re out and about or hanging with friends, it’s all sunshine and smiles. But maybe when you leave the function, they get more serious, sulky, or even unkind. Sometimes, it’s an indicator that the relationship is more for show, and maybe the 2 of you aren’t the greatest pairing. On the other hand, some people just aren’t as comfortable being intimate in public as they are in private, for reasons that may be both personal and cultural.
Examples of Mixed Signals from an Ex
They still reach out after the breakup. Don’t get us wrong, it’s totally possible to have an active and healthy relationship with an ex. But if they keep hitting you up even if things didn’t end on great terms, or they ignore your own boundaries post-breakup, those are some serious mixed signals, and it’s often best to keep your distance, at least until the dust settles.
You’re still hooking up. Post-breakup sex is messy territory. There’s nothing inherently wrong with it, but it’s easy to catch feelings again, even when you’re trying to keep things casual. If you still want a physical relationship with your ex, we recommend setting some clear boundaries and making your own intentions clear, and backing away if things get too confusing.
They tend to meddle with your new relationships. Sometimes a dead relationship just won’t stay dead, and your ex keeps coming back like some sort of zombie. They might buddy up with your new partner, or even try to convince your new partner that the relationship won’t work. It’s a serious violation of boundaries and privacy, and it’s best to let both them and your current partner know that it makes you uncomfortable.
They act casual on social media, but cold in real life. They like all of your Instagram stories, and maybe even send you Snapchats every now and then. But when you cross paths in real life, they act guarded, or like they don’t know you. They might be trying to maintain a connection the easy way—over social media—but aren’t ready to behave like an adult face-to-face. It could be time to block them.
Responding to Mixed Signals
Don’t take the mixed signals too personally. In most cases, the mixed signals have less to do with you and more to do with the person sending them. They might not know what they want, or have a less-than-perfect vision for what a relationship looks like. In any case, keep in mind that mixed signals are often something they need to work through (or the 2 of you together), and not a reflection of your own worth as a person. Try to assume the best of your partner.
Ask them honestly what they mean and what they want. The best way to quash mixed signals to get your communication in order. Clinical psychologist Sarah Schewitz says that good communication involves “sharing how you feel, not bottling things up,” and “understanding your partner’s perspective.” When you lay it all on the table, you show your partner that it’s okay to be open and honest with their own feelings and desires. For example, say, “I’ve been having trouble figuring out how you feel about our relationship, and here’s why. I really value you and want us to be happy, so can we talk about this?” In gentle language, explain your concerns, and how you envision your communication improving.
Avoid blaming them for their words or actions. Often, people who send mixed signals aren’t doing it on purpose, or at least don’t mean any real harm by it. That doesn’t mean you’re not being hurt, but it’s good to keep this in mind when you discuss communication with them. Avoid placing blame, and remember that a successful relationship requires collaboration and teamwork. When discussing the topic, use “I” statements, and focus on the facts and how they made you feel. For example, say, “When plans get canceled last-minute so frequently, I feel like my time isn’t being valued.”
Consider talking to a couple’s counselor. Clinical psychologist Sarah Schewitz suggests that sometimes, couples therapy is needed to work through baggage from a past relationship, so that it’s not brought into the current relationship. Consider talking to a professional together, which can help both of you learn more about your needs, communication styles, and how to navigate them.
Consider moving on altogether. If, after a fair and honest talk, the mixed signals keep coming, it might be best to reconsider your relationship with them. A healthy relationship can’t work without open communication, and if they can’t communicate openly, it could be time to find someone who will. Always prioritize your mental health and emotional needs, and don’t be afraid to bail if the other person doesn’t have your best interest in mind. Of course, you may need to stay patient in certain situations, like if their mixed signals are caused by anxiety, low self-esteem, or personality disorders. Dating coach Candice Mostisser encourages being frank with your feelings and intentions, saying, “If they’re into it, they’re into it. If not, at least you can move on sooner rather than later.”
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