What to Say When a Guy Asks What You like in Bed

Tell him about a sexy dream you had.

Talking about a hot dream is a smooth way to explain your wants. Say things like, “I had a dream that we…” or “I fantasized once that you…” to express what you like (even if you didn’t really dream about it). It takes the ownership off of you and places it on a fantasy you can explore together. Try: “Well, I had a dream once that you were a firefighter who rescued me.” “Last night I dreamt that we did it in public.” “One of my recurring fantasies involves being handcuffed to the bed.”

Describe how you want to feel.

Sometimes, you don’t have the words to explain exactly what you need. In these cases, tell him how you want him to make you feel versus what to do. This will spark his curiosity and excitement, plus it opens the door for both of you to explore more sensual possibilities. You could say things like: “I want to feel like I’m absolutely melting.” “When we’re done, I want to feel completely spent.” “I just want to feel totally out of control and wild.”

Talk about anything that brings your body pleasure.

Sex and pleasure are about more than just orgasms and climaxing. Tell him about any kind of touch or sensation (sexual or not) that makes you feel good. It could be things like kissing, running his hands through your hair, or the feeling of facial hair on your skin. Anything is fair game! For example: “I love having my hair played with.” “Honestly, a good shoulder rub before or during sex really does it for me.” “It gets me going when you run a finger down my spine.”

Describe what you like when you pleasure yourself.

Nobody knows what works for your body like you do. Explore self-pleasure to feel confident in your body’s nuances and needs, then relay your findings to your partner. Tell him about what you like to do, the kind of environment that turns you on, or anything else that feels good to you. Say things like: “A few romantic candles really gets me in a sexy headspace.” “When I’m alone, I like to start very slow and gradually speed up.” “I need to change positions frequently to stay engaged.”

Praise him for what he’s already doing right.

Positive reinforcement works great for partners or friends with benefits. Compliment him or tell him about what he does that you like, and then add on something new or different you want him to try. This way, he won’t feel criticized or like he’s doing something wrong while you ask for what you want. “I love it when you do long strokes with your tongue, that really feels good and I would love more of that.” “I like it when you run your fingers through my hair. Don’t be afraid to pull it a little bit next time.” “You’re so good at foreplay. Let’s play with that for even longer.”

Focus on your turn ons, not your turn offs.

Describing what feels good is more helpful than what not to do. Give him direction, ideas, and inspiration by telling him what arouses you and feels pleasurable. Start with small things—where to kiss you, how much pressure to use—and get more specific as you get more comfortable discussing it with him. Try: “Kiss me harder” is more helpful and welcoming than “Don’t be so hesitant.” “I’d love it if you used more tongue” is better than “I hate it when you don’t use tongue.” “It feels great when you take it slow” is more encouraging than “Not so fast, mister!” Only tell him what you don’t like if there’s something he does that’s truly uncomfortable, irritating, or that you don’t consent to.

Acknowledge the awkwardness.

It isn’t always easy to talk about sex, and that’s OK! You’ll make your way through the conversation easier if you “own the awkward.” Tell him that this is a hard conversation for you or that you have hesitations about opening up. When you’re honest, he’ll empathize and understand you more easily. Try phrases like: “I’m a little hesitant to share this with you.” “I feel so awkward talking about sex, but I want to tell you about something.” “This is a little uncomfortable for me, but here goes!”

Whisper your directions in his ear.

Sexy whispered orders will get him excited to please you how you like. Softly tell him what you’d like him to do in the moment—it feels more comfortable to talk about what you want when you’re already in the act. Keep it short and sweet so you can both focus on each other. Whisper things like: “Do more of that.” “Move your hands higher.” “Don’t stop!”

Make noise to show him what’s working.

Moans, sighs, and gasps communicate what you like as well as words. When your guy’s doing something you like, make some noise to let him know to keep it up. The sounds will arouse him even more, leading to a more pleasurable experience for both of you. Sounds like “mmm,” “ooh,” or “aah” are also clear signs that you’re enjoying what he’s doing. Be careful not to sound fake or to overdo it. If making noise isn’t your thing, moan or sigh sparingly until you feel more comfortable and confident with it.

Show him what you like with body language.

Sometimes, you can answer his question without saying a word. If you’re shy about being direct or not sure how to phrase what you want, move his hands to parts of your body that need attention. Guide his face and mouth around too, or adjust the speed of your hips to show how fast you want him to go. Similarly, if he’s doing something that’s not turning you on or that you dislike, guide his hands or mouth away.

Get graphic in a steamy note or text.

It can be easier to express sexual desires in writing than out loud. If you’d rather not tell him verbally, describe it in graphic, specific detail in a note or text. Tell him how you want to feel, what you want him to do, or what your dirtiest fantasies are—anything that you’re embarrassed or shy to say out loud. Leave a note somewhere he’s bound to find it as a sexy (yet informative) surprise for him. Send him a text with all the dirty details in the middle of the day. You’ll be on his mind nonstop after he reads it (and he’ll be extra excited to see you later on).

Keep communication about sex open.

The best way to get what you like in bed is to talk about it! Your guy is doing the best he can to please you, so help him out and be specific about what you want or the changes you’d like him to make. Communicate your needs openly and frequently—it’ll strengthen your relationship and improve your sex life together. Describe what you want in bed whether you’re with a long term partner or a one night stand. It helps him out, plus you get practice advocating for your needs.