Do you keep looking at your phone longing your ex-boyfriend to call you? Do you question yourself if breaking up was the right thing? Do you wonder if you both should have given the relationship another chance?
Remember, it's okay to feel lost and alone after your break up. You may even ask yourself if the pain and heart break is worth it. But it is important for you to know that it is just a phase and you will get through it with the help of these tips.
The much needed cry
There are a few stages that involve feelings, emotions and actions that will help you get through your break up.
You will have all you gal pals and even family asking you to wipe those tears away. While everything else that they may say is true (about moving on, or you finding a better person) remember that you need to cry.
This is because all the helplessness, loss, anger, frustration, pain and questions come out through your tears. When a steady relationship ends pain, anger, guilt, sense of disbelief and emptiness set in. You might have known it or have been preparing for it, yet it is natural to feel negative after a break-up.
Psychiatrist Dr Dayal Mirchandani says, "The end of a steady relationship is losing someone who was an integral part of your life and your decisions. So when a relationship ends, it is natural for you to mourn your loss."
You broke up because…
Now that you have cried your heart out, some of you may feel a nagging doubt about whether the break up was a good idea. Some of you may even consider going back to your ex. Even though he may have called it off, you will wonder if you should call him and ask him if you two should be given a second chance.
This unsure feeling of your decision is natural, simply because now that you are alone, the fear of loneliness may take over. This holds true especially if the relationship was a long term one. Here is an excerpt from Don't Call That Man: A Survival Guide to Letting Go by Rhonda Findling
Wanting to compulsively call your ex or cling to him when you know the relationship is over can serve to mask or anesthetise your feelings of loneliness, hurt and pain.
You may find yourself staring at your phone, but leave it at that: just stare.
Whenever you feel the urge to call your ex, remember about why you two broke up in the first place. If making a list of problems and negatives helps you control you yearn to call him again, then go ahead and do that.
Banking proefssional Nandini Sonal, 29, says, "I always wondered if I did the right thing after I broke up with my ex. I found myself calling him continuously, even at odd hours. My parents were concerned about my situation and helped me seek professional help."
Stay away!
Immediately after your break up some of you may conveniently find yourselves going by his apartment building, shopping in the same super market or even hanging out at the same watering holes when you know he will be there. This is a natural phase because more than you wanting to see him, you will want him to see you.
You may probably do this to show him what he is missing or you two may get together again. Remember that there might be memories attached to places you two visited as a couple. It is better to divert yourself with other activities such as having your friends over, reading a few good books or travelling.
Dealing With Hatred
You may hate your ex, feel negatively about your life, be angry at people around you and worse still, hate yourself. Feeling the hate is part of your healing process after your break up.
Psychiatrist Dr Dayal Mirchandani says, "Hate is a stage that comes after post-break-up denial. Feeling hatred is a part of your natural healing process. This happens because you have the biological attachment phenomenon."
Hating yourself is most painful. It is important to remember that you cannot blame yourself for the end of your relationship. Neither you nor anyone else can predict the end of any relationship. Try to get over the phase of hatred by rediscovering yourself. Express your anger in creative ways, by starting afresh in career, joining new hobby classes, helping others and being a good human being.
Some people use the hypnosis technique to help them deal with and come to terms with the pain. Hypnosis is supposed to help ease the pain.
However remember, that if you do choose hypnosis, make sure that the practitioner is an authentic one, who will help you.
Take your time
It is important not to worry too much about getting over someone. Some people may take a week, while some others, a year. Allow yourself to take time some may take two months and some may take a year. But it is important for you to remember that while getting over may take its time, you must try and get back to your life.
Psychiatrist Dr Mirchandani says, "Each of you will have a different 'mourning' period after your relationship ends. However it is essential that you give yourself the time to mourn because this way all the pain, hurt and sorrow that you feel is being expressed."
Rashmi Singh, 24, BPO executive says that rushing and pushing herself through her feeling came very close to destroying her. "I forced myself to believe that I was over him, when I was truly not. I suppressed my feelings and tried to go about life as normal. Over time I was more frustrated and was snapping at the people who cared about me the most," she says.
That is when Rashmi realised that her bottled up feelings were leading to her frustration and mood swings. She helped herself by feeling all the hurt and pain and eventually 11 months later was completely over her ex.
Rely on friends
Your friends are a terrific bunch of people to fall back on. This is because your close friends will be able to give you a third person's opinion on the situation. Your friends will help you get back to normalcy when they know the time is right. Sometimes it may be difficult for you to recognise that you are allowing your hurt and pain to consume you and your life.
Life beckons
Get back to work renewed and rejuvenated after your mourning period. It is important for you to remember that you are a new person now and you are back to living life the way you want.
Don't try to escape memories, but try to rework your approach towards them. Look at them as good times that existed in the past and are not connected to your present and future in any way. This can be achieved by making small changes in your routine. You could take a different route to work, get a new haircut or learn a new language.
Your whole life awaits you and while getting over a break up is difficult it is certainly not impossible.
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