Offer them your condolences,
After learning a friend has lost a parent, the first step is to reach out and offer your friend condolences. This will be a particularly daunting time for them, so keep it short and to the point. The most important thing is that they know that you want to be there for them. Even saying something as simple as, “I just want to say that I’m thinking about you,” will show that you care. You can also say: ”I’m so sorry for your loss.” ”I’d like to offer my deepest condolences.” ”My thoughts and prayers are with your family.” EXPERT TIP Ken Breniman, LCSW, C-IAYT Ken Breniman, LCSW, C-IAYT Licensed Clinical Social Worker & Certified Yoga Therapist Ken Breniman is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, Certified Yoga Therapist and Thanatologist based in the San Francisco Bay Area. Ken has over 15 years experience of providing clinical support and community workshops utilizing a dynamic combination of traditional psychotherapy and yoga therapy. He specializes in eclectic non-denominational yoga guidance, grief therapy, complex trauma recovery and mindful mortal skills development. He has a MSW from Washington University in St. Louis and an MA Certification in Thanatology from Marian University of Fond du Lac. He became certified with the International Association of Yoga Therapists after completing his 500 training hours at Yoga Tree in San Francisco and Ananda Seva Mission in Santa Rosa, CA. Ken Breniman, LCSW, C-IAYT Ken Breniman, LCSW, C-IAYT Licensed Clinical Social Worker & Certified Yoga Therapist “There's really not any right thing to say. So, putting the pressure on oneself to come up with the right thing to say is probably only going to be more stressful for either someone trying to console or offer condolences. There's also many ways to be present with another person.”
Validate their feelings of grief.
Don't try to compare experiences. Even if you’ve lost a loved one before and you feel equipped to say anything along the lines of, “I know exactly how you feel,” it would be best if you removed your feelings from the situation all together. Although you think you understand your friend’s loss, everyone’s grief is unique to them, so steer clear of empathizing by sharing your own experiences. Instead, encourage them to feel their feelings fully. You can say: ”I can’t imagine what you’re going through.” ”I know I can’t make it better but I’m here.” ”You are allowed to feel everything you’re feeling.”
Allow them to sit in silence.
Sitting in silence with someone can be as helpful as having a conversation. In the aftermath of a death, those grieving may prefer to process their emotions in silence for a period, especially after interacting with dozens of friends and family at a funeral or wake. Allow your friend the opportunity to just sit with you without any pressure to talk. Sometimes, these brief moments of peace and quiet may be exactly what they need. You can say: ”Feel free to sit with me and say nothing at all.” ”I’m here if you want company without any pressure.” ”We can talk or sit in silence—whatever you need.”
Provide a safe space.
Grant your friend space. The days, weeks, months, and maybe even years after a parent passes can be very disorienting, as a constant guiding figure in your life is suddenly gone. Your grieving friend could benefit from a safe space where they can vent, talk, not talk, and bring up the memory of their deceased loved one without fear of judgement. You can say: ”Tell me more about your mom.” ”I’ll be here if you want to talk about your mom now, in a week, and in 10 years.” ”You’re not wrong to feel angry at the way things ended.”
Exchange fond memories of their deceased parent.
If you knew your friend’s parent personally, it might be a good idea to gently bring up whatever fond memories you have of them. Even if it sounds silly, reminding your friend about the time their parent made you the best scrambled eggs you’ve ever had could brighten their day, if only just a little. Little things like these will remind them that their parent will be missed by everyone who knew them. You can say: ”Your dad had the loudest laugh— it was contagious!” ”Remember the time your dad dressed up as Spiderman for your birthday party?” ”Your mom was such a kind soul. She will be deeply missed.”
Offer to help them in any way you can.
Extend a helping hand. In the tumultuous time after a parent passes away, your friend may not have the energy to do anything. It’s easy to neglect ourselves when consumed by grief, so offering to do tasks for them could be a huge help. Ask if you can make them a meal, or help clean the house. Even taking their dog for a walk or changing their cat’s litter box could provide them with a little relief. Whatever you can do to help will be highly appreciated. You can say: ”What do you feel like having for dinner? I’ll make it and bring it over!” ”Why don’t you go lay down while I tidy up the house?” ”Is there anything I can do to lighten your load?”
Make yourself available when needed.
Let your friend know you can be there whenever they need you. Grief can strike like a bolt of lightning, out of nowhere, so it’s a good idea to assure your friend that you want to be there for them any time they need you. Let them know that they won’t annoy you by reaching out if they feel the urge to chat, vent, or shed a few tears on the phone. Grief is not a linear process and remind them that it’s okay to experience a “relapse” even if it’s months down the line. You can say: ” I’ll always pick up the phone for you.” ”Don’t be a stranger if you need someone to talk to!” ”I’ll never get tired of listening to what you have to say.”
Check in regularly.
Text or call once a day or so. Checking in doesn’t have to mean that you’re blowing up your friend’s phone or showing up at their house unannounced. It could be as fuss-free as texting once a day to make sure they have everything they need. If they don’t, you’ll be able to tell, and hopefully step in even if only to offer a distraction. Asking for help may not be a priority for them right now, as they are probably just trying to stay emotionally afloat. Making a regular effort to help if needed won’t go unnoticed. You can say: ”Hey! Just checking in. How are you today?” ”Hey, have you eaten? Can I bring over anything?” ”It’s a beautiful day today, would you want to go on a walk later?”
Suggest positive steps forward.
Remind your friend there are ways to celebrate their deceased parent. It may be a while before your grieving friend feels like themselves again, but you can start nudging them in the right direction when the emotional dust begins to settle. Encouraging your friend to celebrate their parent’s life might be a positive step forward, as well as talking to them about continuing the bond they shared with their parent. Doing an activity that their mom or dad loved to do would be a great way to honor them while still keeping their spirit alive. You can say: ”Your mom loved art— why don’t we go check out the new museum?” ”Remember how great your dad was at chess? Want to play a game?” ”Let’s watch “Titanic” this weekend— that was your mom’s favorite movie, right?” EXPERT TIP Ken Breniman, LCSW, C-IAYT Ken Breniman, LCSW, C-IAYT Licensed Clinical Social Worker & Certified Yoga Therapist Ken Breniman is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, Certified Yoga Therapist and Thanatologist based in the San Francisco Bay Area. Ken has over 15 years experience of providing clinical support and community workshops utilizing a dynamic combination of traditional psychotherapy and yoga therapy. He specializes in eclectic non-denominational yoga guidance, grief therapy, complex trauma recovery and mindful mortal skills development. He has a MSW from Washington University in St. Louis and an MA Certification in Thanatology from Marian University of Fond du Lac. He became certified with the International Association of Yoga Therapists after completing his 500 training hours at Yoga Tree in San Francisco and Ananda Seva Mission in Santa Rosa, CA. Ken Breniman, LCSW, C-IAYT Ken Breniman, LCSW, C-IAYT Licensed Clinical Social Worker & Certified Yoga Therapist “In the grief theories that are out there, there's something that's called Continuing Bond […] In this continuing bonds concept, you might participate in an activity that you would have with that person. For instance, recently, I took my partner and I horseback riding because he's never been on horseback, and my mom used to love it. So I said, this is for my mom, but I'm introducing it to someone that she'll never meet.”
What Not to Say
In your efforts to comfort a grieving friend, you may have the urge to use a cliche that could do more harm than good. Putting one’s foot in one’s mouth is understandable when trying to find the exact right thing to say, but the following phrases should be avoided. “He’s in a better place now.” Unless your friend is very religious and truly finds comfort in the prospect of a peaceful afterlife, saying this to a grieving friend could come off as dismissive of the reality of the situation. Try not to imagine or speak on where their deceased loved one has gone, and instead focus on allowing your friend to process their emotions. “Time heals all wounds.” This is another empty statement you should avoid, as it may not even be true for every person or every situation. Although it’s mostly accepted that the passage of time does act as a kind of salve for grief, slowly but surely reducing the open wound to a scar, you don’t want to assume that this will be the case for your friend. “It was God’s plan.” Again, unless your friend is deeply religious, try not to mention the divine or the supernatural in this situation. It may sound insensitive, implying that God designed for their mother or father to die in the specific manner and time that they did. Your friend probably doesn’t want to hear this, as it may cause them to feel even more helpless and hopeless in the grand scheme of things.
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