Communicating Directly with Your Family
Explain your feelings calmly and respectfully. This is the best way to talk to your family about privacy. Ask them nicely to respect your space and privacy, just as you respect theirs. Express your feelings without pleading, whining, getting upset, or acting victimized. Be firm, to the point, and respectful throughout the entire conversation. Rosenberg advises that you “try the sandwich approach.” She explains that “you start with a positive, ask for what you want or need, and end with a positive.” You can say things like, "I don't feel like I have any personal space or privacy in my bedroom. Can we talk about that? It's upsetting me." Or you could try to put a knocking policy into place. Start the conversation with something like, "I want to start a new rule in the house about knocking before entering. Can we have a family meeting about that?" You could also say, "I respect your privacy and knock on your door. I want you to do the same thing for me." Clinical psychologist Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS, defines what boundaries are: “Boundaries are specific guidelines, standards, desires, rules, or limits that an individual establishes to protect themselves and others. Boundaries are not a denial of your love and affection for someone; rather, you are asking that others respect you as an individual.” Meet the wikiHow Experts Amber Rosenberg, PCC, is a Professional Life Coach with over 20 years of coaching experience and is the owner of Pacific Life Coach. Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS is a Clinical Psychologist with over 30 years of experience specializing in working with families, children, and couples. Tami Claytor is an Etiquette Coach with over 20 years of experience teaching etiquette classes.
Post a warning sign on your bedroom door. “Please knock before entering” and “Please don’t enter without my permission” would both work great. This is one physical way of setting a boundary, and Rosenberg adds how difficult it can be to do that when it comes to family: “the closer we are to someone, the harder it is to maintain strong boundaries.” However, a sign is a good and simple way to reinforce those boundaries with relatives. If it’s a younger sibling you’re having trouble with, be sure to post the sign at eye level for them. If the sibling is too young to read, draw a picture of a person knocking on a door. You could also hang a dry-erase marker board on your door so that you can change the message sometimes and even address specific family members in the message.
Be assertive and confront them. Sometimes being polite just won't work, especially with younger siblings. If you've already spoken to your family about respecting your privacy with no results, be very firm with them the next time it happens. Of course, there is no reason to get mean or aggressive, but it's okay to assert your need for privacy. Etiquette coach Tami Claytor acknowledges how hard it can be to confront family: “If it's family, it actually is a little harder because you don't want to ruffle feathers… [Conflict] tends to last a little bit longer within the family dynamic.” Try doing the following: Avoid saying things in the heat of the moment that you'll regret later. Dr. Brown says, “Always be respectful of others when conveying your desires.” He adds that you should “voice each message with an 'I' statement. Refrain from using language that is accusatory.” Be perfectly honest about why you feel the need to stand firm in your conviction. Say things like, "We’ve already talked about this—- I need you to listen to me." If someone barges in while you're in your room, stand up and escort them back out the door. EXPERT TIP Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC Marriage & Family Therapist Moshe Ratson is the Executive Director of spiral2grow Marriage & Family Therapy, a coaching and therapy clinic in New York City. Moshe is an International Coach Federation accredited Professional Certified Coach (PCC). He received his MS in Marriage and Family Therapy from Iona College. Moshe is a clinical member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT), and a member of the International Coach Federation (ICF). Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC Marriage & Family Therapist Make sure you're still being respectful, though. While it's important to express your needs and feelings to your family, it's also important to be respectful when you set those boundaries.
Involve your parents when you're dealing with intrusive siblings. Go to your parents privately to ask for their assistance. Explain in a calm way that you're really upset about this, and that you deserve privacy. Ask them to intervene on your behalf. According to Rosenberg, “When setting boundaries, there is no need to justify, give excuses, or over-explain your feelings. Be firm, gracious, and direct. When faced with resistance, repeat your statement or request.” Make it clear to your sibling that when they barge into your room that you are going to go tell your parents immediately. You could give them a warning and say, "The next time this happens, you're going to get in trouble with mom and dad." As soon as they come in, say, "I'm going to tell mom and dad about this right now." Get up immediately and go get one or both of your parents. Confront your sibling in front of your parents and ask them to back you up. Once you've got your parents there, say something along the lines of, "This can't happen anymore. I deserve personal space, and I want us to resolve this issue right now."
Making Your Room Less Appealing
Avoid keeping things that the whole family uses in your room. For example, if you've got the only game console or tablet in the house, do not keep it in your room. If you do, your family members will come in to retrieve them. Keep things that everyone uses in a common room of the house, such as the living room, game room, or basement. If an item is highly sought after, come up with an arrangement so everyone has an equal amount of time to use it.
Do your own chores so family members don’t come in to clean for you. If you take care of all of your own chores, no one has any reason to come into your room without your permission. Make your bed every day, pick up your clothes and launder them yourself, keep your room clean, and return any dirty dishes to the kitchen without being asked. Be sure to let your family members know that you've already taken care of the chores in your room. That way, they can't say they came in to check. Bring a parent into your room to inspect your handiwork, if necessary. If you don’t take care of these things yourself, family members (especially your parents) will be forced to come in and take care of these things themselves.
Show mutual respect for other people’s privacy. If you want your wishes to be respected, you have to show that same respect toward your family members. Never barge into their rooms unannounced. Always knock on their bedroom doors and wait until they ask you to come in before opening their door. Even if your family members haven’t started respecting your privacy yet, start respecting theirs. Set an example by treating everyone in the house the same way that you want to be treated.
Hanging Out with Them Outside of Your Room
Work on a project together in a different room. Sometimes, siblings just want a little attention from you. Come up with a project that you can work on together outside of your bedroom. If you're dealing with a very small sibling, come up with a fun art project you can work on together. If it's someone a little older, ask for their help on something, like going shopping with you to get a parent a birthday gift, or even making something creative together as the gift. Giving a family member a little attention outside of your bedroom will hopefully make them less inclined to barge into your room constantly for attention.
Make a "date" to watch a movie together in another room. Show them that you want to hang out with them, just not in your bedroom. Let them pick out the movie, pop some popcorn, and spend a little quality time together. Be sure that you do this outside of your bedroom. You need to get them in the habit of hanging out with you elsewhere.
Play games or hang out with them in their room. Pull out some board games or just hang out with them in their bedroom to reinforce the idea that hanging out with you does not mean barging into your room. Before you go into their bedroom, knock and wait to be let in. Hopefully, this will set an example of the kind of behavior you want from them.
Preventing Entry Into Your Room
Get a lock for your bedroom door. Before taking more drastic measures, speaking calmly with your family members about them respecting your privacy first is key. If that doesn’t work, getting a lock for your room might be worth considering as a last resort. There are several ways to approach this. The easiest way is to get a portable door lock that can be easily installed and removed by you (no tools required). You could also get a brand new doorknob that locks with a key at a hardware store and install it yourself (or ask a family member to help). Another option is to get a chain lock at a hardware store and install that yourself (or ask for help). If your parents are reluctant to allow you to lock your door, explain to them exactly why you feel that your privacy is being violated.
Barricade your door. If you’re in your room and you want privacy, barricade your door by wedging a chair under the doorknob or pushing a piece of furniture in front of it. This is only helpful if you’re actually in your room when someone tries to barge in, but it will prevent them from being able to do it. Make sure that you can quickly and easily remove whatever you’re barricading your door with, if necessary, in the event of an emergency.
Use a doorstop to hold the door closed. Block family members from opening the door by shoving a doorstop under your door when you're in your bedroom. If you don't have a doorstop, you can easily improvise one. Use anything that will fit tightly in the space between the bottom of your door and the floor. The more things you wedge tightly under the door, the stronger the barricade is, so if you're concerned it won't hold, use multiple items. Grab a pair of old sneakers and shove the toe end of both of them under your door. Space them out a little for a stronger hold. Shove a big, fluffy towel under your door. Really cram it under there so that it will hold, or use multiple towels.
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