Accept that his kids have to be his top priority.
Putting his kids first is a sign of a great parent. It's a little hard sometimes when you want your boyfriend all to yourself, but just remind yourself that if the two of you had kids together, you'd want him to be present like that. That doesn't mean that you can't be important to him, though! It just means that sometimes you might have to take a step back while he takes care of his children. For instance, he might occasionally have to call off a date to take care of a sick kid, or he might be hard to reach while he's doing things with them. If you can see his relationship with his kids in a positive light, it will help you take it less personally when they spend time without you. It may also help you feel more comfortable when you're all together.
Give your boyfriend time alone with his kids.
Quality time can help his children feel more at ease with the situation. Your boyfriend's kids might be resistant to your relationship because they worry it means they won't get as much time with their dad. That's a totally normal reaction when a parent starts dating. However, it can help ease their concerns if they still have special times they can spend with just their dad. Encourage your partner to keep any regular traditions he already has with his kids, like taking them to dinner once a month or building model cars together. It might seem like this is a step backward if you already feel left out, but it can actually help bring the whole family closer if you're supportive of this important bonding time.
Be flexible when you're planning time together.
You might have to work around his schedule. Your partner might have to work around visitation, pediatrician appointments, school plays, ballet practice—not to mention his own job and responsibilities. It's okay to ask for the time you need from him, as long as you're considerate of the fact that it might take a little more work for him to carve out some free time. Try saying something like, "Quality time is really important to me. I was wondering if we could set aside two date nights a month, just the two of us." Keep in mind that he might need to change plans at the last minute if something comes up with his kids.
Talk to your boyfriend about both of your expectations.
Being open can help you get and stay on the same page. One of the most important things you can do for any relationship is to communicate about what you want and need from each other. This is especially true when kids are in the picture. First, you need to really understand what it means to your boyfriend to be a present, active father. Then, work together to figure out how you fit into that picture. You might ask, "What does your ideal relationship with me look like?" or "What do you picture when you think about us in the future?" It's okay to ask for uninterrupted time once in a while, but avoid trying to set any limits or boundaries on how much he calls, texts, or visits his kids.
Work through your struggles patiently.
It's probably not about you at all, so try not to take it personally. There was a whole family dynamic at play before you ever came along. When you walk into the picture, the kids might be resistant or standoffish. They might even act out in a disrespectful or aggressive way. Try to be consistently kind and respectful, no matter how they act. Eventually, they'll learn they can trust you. Remember, you're the adult here! Even if they're acting out or trying to provoke you, try not to overreact. Instead, show them how to handle conflict maturely and responsibly. It will make a difference in the long run.
Give the kids time to get used to you.
Focus on building a strong bond rather than forcing things too quickly. As you're finding your place in the family, try not to get discouraged if things don't click right away. It may take some time for you to fully mesh into the family dynamic, and that's okay! Kids can get easily overwhelmed, especially when there are big changes happening in their lives. They'll be a lot more receptive if you let them come to you on their own terms. For instance, if the kids are a little standoffish at first, respect their distance. Keep trying to be friendly, but don't push them to reciprocate. If you're patient about letting things unfold at their pace, you'll have a better chance of developing a long-lasting, meaningful relationship with your boyfriend AND his kids. Ask him for advice on how to better approach his children and show them that you are their ally and not a threat, an evil stepmother, or someone who just makes their dad spend less time with them.
Find one-on-one activities you can enjoy with his children.
Look for shared interests and bonding opportunities. Sometimes, the best way to cope with feeling left out is to reach out to others. Look for ways you can spend time with the kids doing something you both enjoy. This kind of casual interaction can help you feel more comfortable together, which may help you feel more like a part of the family. For instance, if your boyfriend's son loves Legos and you love Harry Potter, you might get a Harry Potter Lego set for the two of you to build together. It can also help to plan fun events for the whole family, like a day at an amusement park, a trip to a kid-friendly museum, or a picnic at the park.
Let your partner handle the parenting.
Kids can be resentful of an outsider enforcing rules. Your boyfriend should handle 100% of the discipline when it comes to his kids. If you have concerns about their behavior, you can bring it up to him, but in the end, those decisions are between him and the kids' mom. It can definitely be hard to bite your tongue sometimes, especially if the kids are acting up. If you need to, take a few deep breaths or step out of the room for a moment and let their dad take care of things. It's okay to ask your boyfriend to enforce certain boundaries, like stepping in if his children yell at you or disrespect your belongings.
Be compassionate towards your boyfriend.
He may be feeling pulled between you and his children. When you get into a new relationship, it's only normal that you'd want to spend all your time with this person. However, when you're dating someone with kids, they have to balance being a parent with their romantic life. That can be really stressful on your boyfriend, especially if you AND his kids are asking for more time or attention. Putting yourself in your boyfriend's shoes may help you feel more patient with him as he figures out how to have healthy relationships with both you and his children. Keep in mind that your boyfriend may also feel stressed about trying to co-parent with his ex. This is complicated in the best of situations, but it can be especially overwhelming if they don't get along well.
Show sensitivity toward what the kids are going through.
It's always hard when parents split up. If things get heated or you're feeling emotional, try to remind yourself of what these kids have been through, and imagine how you would have felt dealing with that as a child. Try saying something like, "It's probably a little weird to see your dad dating someone. I remember being freaked out when my mom first met my stepdad, but we get along great now. Is that how it is for you?" Now that their dad is dating again, your boyfriend's kids might be struggling to accept that their parents really aren't getting back together. On top of that, they may already be struggling to cope with things like messy divorce proceedings, the back-and-forth of custody swaps, arguments between their mom and dad, or even just normal kid stresses like school and friends.
Be respectful toward the kids' mom if she's around.
Don't speak badly of her or go against her wishes. You don't have to be BFFs with your boyfriend's ex, but if she's present in her children's lives, she's going to be a part of yours too. Do your best to create a friendly relationship—be cordial when you see her, talk about her in a positive light around your boyfriend's children, and respect the rules and boundaries she sets regarding her kids. This will help the kids feel more secure that you're not trying to replace their mom. It can also help ease fears that if they have a relationship with you, they might be somehow disloyal to their mom. Try not to be jealous of your boyfriend's relationship with his kids' mom. She has to be part of his life if they're co-parenting, and it will just make things more stressful to everyone if you get upset any time they talk. Navigating this relationship can definitely be one of the trickiest parts of dating someone with kids. The mom might not be very receptive to you at first! Just keep being cordial and respectful. She may come around in time.
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