- Emotional neglect in a relationship involves one person overlooking or disregarding their partner’s emotional needs.
- A spouse who is emotionally neglectful might ignore their partner’s emotions, avoid emotional talks, or respond inappropriately when their partner tries to confide in them.
- In order to address the emotional neglect, tell your partner honestly and directly what you want them to do to make you feel supported.
What is emotional neglect?
Emotional neglect is when one person in a relationship doesn’t recognize or react properly to someone else’s emotions. When it comes to romantic relationships, sharing emotions is what provides feelings of connection, love, and warmth between partners. So when one or both people in the relationship aren’t able to properly acknowledge and respond to each other’s emotions, the relationship becomes strained and distant. But emotional neglect can be hard to spot since you have to know what’s missing in order to pinpoint the problem. Emotional neglect in marriage can stem from emotional neglect that occurred during a person’s childhood. For instance, if your parents were neglectful of your emotions while you were growing up, you might find yourself unconsciously repeating those behaviors in your marriage, especially if you haven’t found a healthy way to cope with your past. In many cases, a person who suffered from emotional neglect as a child will have a hard time forming emotional connections with their future partner. They may unintentionally emotionally neglect their partner because they might not know how to deal with someone else’s emotions.
Signs of Emotional Neglect in Marriage
Your spouse often doesn’t know how to comfort you. When you’re upset, frustrated, or sad, it’s natural to want to turn to your partner for support and comfort. However, a partner who’s emotionally neglectful often won’t know how to comfort you. Or, they might not be present at all and leave you to deal with the problem yourself. More often than not, they end up saying the wrong thing and leave you feeling worse. For example, your partner might totally disregard your feelings and start talking about a great promotion they got when you try to vent to them about trouble you’re having at work. Or, instead of listening to you when you’re upset, they might instantly jump in and try to find a solution when you just want to talk.
Your partner often misreads your emotions. One of the biggest signs of emotional neglect is when a partner can’t read your emotions and give you the comfort or reassurance you need. You might notice that miscommunication happens a lot between you and your partner. They may not understand your reasons for doing something, or they might misinterpret your intentions and react inappropriately. For example, you might be angry at your partner for missing an important anniversary, but they might just think that you’re stressed about work and not address the issue. Or, you might be trying to hint to your partner that you want to spend more time with them, but they react inappropriately by getting annoyed at you for being “clingy.” You might feel like you can’t be yourself around your spouse because you think they’ll just misunderstand you.
You feel lonely within your relationship. Even though your partner is right there, you might feel like there’s a huge distance separating the two of you. People in healthy relationships often feel like they can turn to their partner whenever things get tough, but you don’t feel that way. In fact, when something’s troubling you, you might be more likely to go to a friend or family member rather than your spouse since you know they won’t be able to give you the support you need. You may not feel like you and your partner are a team who have each other’s backs. Instead, you might feel like you have to solve all of your problems on your own. For example, if you run into trouble at work, your instinct might be to hide that information from your spouse right up until you absolutely need to tell them. You might even prefer being alone than with your partner since being with them can be frustrating and unfulfilling.
Your spouse tends to avoid conflict. Your partner might avoid bringing up issues and topics that can lead to a big, emotional argument. Instead, they’re more likely to give you the silent treatment and ignore the problem (and you) until you eventually drop the issue. If you do end up arguing, it may not be the most productive, and they still might not fully address your feelings. For example, they might just simply walk out of the room when you say “We need to talk.” If you do get into an argument, your partner still might not understand why you’re frustrated. They may end up getting defensive and say things like “Why are you even angry at me?” or “I didn’t even do anything. You’re being ridiculous.”
Your partner avoids intimate and emotional conversations. Your spouse might find it hard to have these deeper conversations with you. When they try and talk about their emotions, you might notice that they don’t possess a very extensive vocabulary to describe their feelings. You might also notice that they appear awkward or uncomfortable when you express positive emotions toward them. For example: They might use very basic words to describe their own emotions, like “good,” “bad,” or “nice.” When your partner senses things are about to get emotional, they might duck out with an excuse, such as having work to do or wanting to sleep. They might look uncomfortable when you tell them “I love you.”
Conversations between you and your spouse tend to be very surface-level. If your partner isn’t willing to delve into deeper and more emotional topics, that might leave you with very little to talk about during the day. For example, when you sit down for dinner, you might spend most of your time eating in silence or talking about small things like the weather or how your day went, but nothing beyond that. You might realize that you know very little about your spouse, such as things about their childhood, their relationship with their parents, or what their dreams are for the future.
Coping with Emotional Neglect
Talk to your partner about your honest feelings. While directly confronting your spouse and having a serious conversation about their neglect can be a scary thought, it’s one of the most effective ways to avoid any misunderstandings and get your feelings off your chest. Wait until you’re feeling calm and collected and take time to plan out what you want to say. When you do talk, be clear and concise with what you want, such as by saying things like “When I’m upset, I just want you to listen to what I have to say” or “I want us to check in with each other every day.” What to do: Be compassionate towards your partner when you talk to them. Even though they may be neglecting your emotions, still take their emotions and personal struggles into account when you tell them about how you’re feeling. For example, say something like “I know things can get overwhelming for you and that you don’t mean to hurt me. But when you leave in the middle of a conversation, it’s frustrating for me.”
Step away from the victim role with "I" statements. In any given conversation, "you" statements ("You make me feel unwanted when you don't respond to my texts") tend to put people on the defensive and aren't very productive. Instead, use "I" statements to communicate your feelings without playing the blame game. Instead of being the victim, you're simply communicating your thoughts in a respectful way. What to do: Center your thoughts on your experiences alone rather than the role your spouse played in them, like "I feel as though I am unwanted when I send messages that receive no replies."
Listen to what your spouse has to say. It’s just as important to listen to your partner’s side of the story as it is to tell them your honest feelings. There’s always a possibility that there’s a reason why they act the way they do. For example, to them, you might give off signs that you want to be alone when you’re upset, so they think they’re respecting your wishes when they leave you alone. What to do: Do your best to listen without judging or jumping to conclusions. Hear them out until the end, and then gently correct any misunderstandings if there are any.
Make spending time together a priority in your relationship. In any marriage, quality time is a great way to way to strengthen your bond with your partner. Research actually proves this—in one study, scientists found that couples feel more uplifted and content when they're together rather than when they're separated. What to do: Plan activities for you and your spouse to do together. It can be something as simple as taking a walk around the neighborhood together, or as in-depth as planning a couple's vacation.
Consider attending couples therapy. If you and your spouse are having a hard time seeing eye to eye, attending couples counseling might prove to be helpful. A licensed therapist can help you work through your issues in a controlled environment, and they can provide an outsider’s perspective on the things that are troubling you. What to do: Use an online site such as betterhelp.com to find a licensed therapist near you.
Reassess your relationship if things really aren’t working. It can be incredibly hard to walk away from someone, especially your partner, but it might be necessary if you feel that your health and well-being are being compromised by staying with them. Take the time to really look at your relationship and evaluate it honestly. If you think your relationship is turning toxic, it might be time to end things. What to do: Take some time to self-reflect with helpful questions like: Do you think your spouse will be able to change their behavior? Do you have healthy ways to cope with their neglect? Are you willing to put in the time and effort to help them? If the answer to any of these is no, it might be best to consider moving on and doing what’s best for you.
Use relaxation techniques to stay calm. Being in a marriage where you’re being emotionally neglected can be incredibly frustrating, and you might have a lot of pent-up emotions that sometimes come out in the form of angry outbursts. Relaxation techniques can help you keep your cool. What to do: Try things like meditating, doing breathing exercises, or yoga to help clear your mind and relax.
Turn to friends and family for support. If you’re not getting the emotional support or comfort you need from your partner, look to your close friends or family members to help you. Just because your spouse may be neglectful doesn’t mean that there aren’t people out there who are ready to give you the support you need. What to do: Be clear about telling someone what you need so that you don’t have to deal with any more misunderstandings. For example, let your friend know that you really need to vent about something frustrating going on at work.
Be kind to yourself. If your partner is being neglectful, then it’s even more important that you’re taking care of yourself. Remind yourself that your feelings are valid and make an effort to talk to yourself in a positive way. Work on practicing self-love and remind yourself that your worth does not totally depend on your partner. What to do: Talking a nature walk with your friends, taking some time away from your phone, and treating yourself to something you really want are all great ways to practice self-love.
Causes of Emotional Neglect
Childhood emotional neglect If a person is emotionally neglected by their parents throughout their childhood, they might unintentionally repeat these behaviors and emotionally neglect their partner. Childhood emotional neglect may cause a person to become overly self-reliant and make it hard for them to respond to and recognize others’ emotions. Because of this, they may end up being emotionally distant from their partner. Childhood emotional neglect can also cause a person to experience symptoms of depression or anxiety, or it might lead them to feel very insecure in their future relationships. For example, a person who was emotionally neglected as a child might be terrified that their partner will abandon them and so will become obsessed with keeping their relationship “perfect.”
Taking one another for granted If two people have been in a relationship for a while, and that initial honeymoon phase has long worn off, they might begin to take each other for granted and not be as attentive as they once might have been. For example, one person may not say “I love you” as often as they used to, which may cause their spouse to feel less appreciated and lonely.
Prioritizing other things One cause of childhood emotional neglect is a parent placing more priority on their work instead of their child. The same can be true for marriages and romantic relationships. If one partner is too invested in their work, social life, or their children, they may unintentionally neglect their spouse. A person may also intentionally neglect their partner. For example, they may cheat on their partner with someone else and give all of their time and attention to this new person.
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