- A female-led relationship (FLR) is a relationship dynamic in which the woman is dominant and the male is submissive.
- Power dynamics in FLRs can range from lenient to extreme, so partners need to discuss and agree on clear rules and boundaries beforehand.
- The woman may choose to be dominant when it comes to decisions about the couple's careers, finances, chores, as well as sexual power play.
What exactly is FLR?
FLR is a relationship dynamic in which the woman is dominant. A female-led relationship (FLR) is typically a heterosexual relationship where the woman takes the dominant role and the man takes the submissive role. The term originated in the BDSM and kink community, but today it can refer to any relationship that isn't “male-led” where the female holds more power than her male counterpart. FLRs operate on the premise that, historically, men have been the dominant partners in relationships (and women have taken passive roles). In FLRs, both partners agree that the woman makes the decisions in the relationship. These decisions could revolve around things like their careers, finances, plans, and chores, and usually extends to their sexual dynamic, too. FLRs can range from lenient to extreme, so it's important for both partners to discuss and agree on their arrangement and rules beforehand.
Types of FLR
Low control This type of FLR usually looks like a typical modern or progressive relationship in which the power is fairly balanced between the man and the woman. Both partners share chores and child-care responsibilities equally, and they both contribute financially. The woman usually brings in as much (or more) income as her male counterpart, and financial decisions are made together. Alternatively, the woman may be the breadwinner, with the man handling domestic tasks and child-care. This type of FLR may or may not have a BDSM component.
Moderate control This form of FLR puts more emphasis on female dominance in all areas, and this is typically explored in the bedroom through BDSM or kink, too. The female usually has a higher level of control in the relationship—from finances to important household decisions. Sexually, the man is submissive, but levels of control tend to fluctuate and the power dynamic can be fluid.
Defined control This type of FLR is similar to the moderate type, but the power structure is more rigid. Typically, the couple discusses their dynamic in depth before assuming their agreed upon roles. The woman clearly defines the areas where she is dominant in the relationship and there are established lines and strict boundaries both in and out of the bedroom.
Extreme control In this FLR, the woman has complete control over the man and is fully dominant in all aspects of the couple’s lives. This type of FLR is more of a dedicated lifestyle rather than a form of role-playing. The woman may control how the man dresses, his schedule, how he spends his time, and she usually dictates when, where, and how they have sex. This is the least common FLR type because the rigid power structure is tough to maintain. Some believe the dynamic can easily become abusive. That said, as long as partners agree on their rules and boundaries, this arrangement can be a healthy one. Always get consent.
Rules for a Healthy FLR
Communicate openly and honestly about your terms. It's important to keep the dialogue open when you’re in an FLR so both partners are clear on their roles and boundaries. Be sure to communicate your feelings, goals, and expectations ahead of time, and clearly define your boundaries before diving into an official FLR. That way, you’re both comfortable and on the same page.
Review your rules and revise your boundaries regularly. Once you embark on an FLR, it falls on both partners to monitor what’s working and what isn’t. It’s normal for an FLR to evolve over time, and nothing is set in stone. Pick a regular time (perhaps weekly or monthly) to sit down and discuss what’s working and tweak any elements that don’t feel quite right. Remember: even though the woman is dominant in the relationship, both partners have equal input in the FLR arrangement. Rules can (and should) be changed whenever someone is uncomfortable.
Make sure the FLR dynamic is beneficial for both partners. The benefits may become more obvious over time, especially once you get into the swing of things. If it starts feeling like the dynamic isn’t beneficial for both partners, though, it’s important to speak up and discuss that. Ask questions like: How has FLR improved your life? Do you feel happier or healthier than before? How would you rate your satisfaction with FLR on a scale of 1 to 10? Are there aspects of our arrangement that feel uncomfortable or awkward? Are there things that you’d like to add (or take away) to make the arrangement more beneficial?
Focus on each other and don’t worry about what others think. People tend to judge non-traditional relationships, and that goes for FLRs, too. It’s fine to tell people you trust about your relationship dynamic if that’s what you want to do, but they may voice their negative opinions about it. At the end of the day, though, it’s your relationship—all that matters is what works for you and your partner. Consider keeping your FLR status private, at least at first, until the roles are fully fleshed out and both partners are happy with the arrangement.
Benefits of FLRs
Men in FLRs often enjoy deviating from traditional gender roles. Operating outside of traditional roles reduces the pressure men feel to conform to society’s expectations. In FLR, they’re able to experience a loving relationship without feeling responsible for everything that happens. They can also enjoy letting someone else be in charge (both in and out of the bedroom) without worrying about failing to live up to traditional ideas about masculinity.
Women in FLRs enjoy the empowerment that comes from this dynamic. Traditionally, women took on more passive roles in relationships. The idea of challenging traditional gender roles can be very liberating for women, and many enjoy taking on higher levels of responsibility in the relationship. The sense of power that comes with having control can be exciting both in and outside of the bedroom.
Finding an FLR
Take some time to figure out exactly what you want from FLR. If this is new territory for you, start by spending time reflecting on what you’re looking for in FLR and why. Think carefully about things like boundaries, especially if you want to include forms of kink or BDSM in your relationship. Once you understand your own needs and desires, it’ll be easier to find a partner who’s a good fit. Ask yourself questions like: How do I want FLR to make me feel? Why do I want to feel that way? What kinds of control am I looking for in FLR? What intensity? Are there any aspects of my life that I want to keep outside the FLR dynamic?
Look for like-minded partners and communicate what you want early on. If you’re specifically interested in high levels of control, especially BDSM and kink, check out websites and apps that are geared toward the BDSM community. Attend a few kink community events locally, meet people, and get a feel for how these dynamics work. When you meet someone that you like, be upfront about what you want and make sure they’re fully willing before starting anything.
Start slowly with lower levels of power play and work your way up. If you’ve never dabbled in BDSM or control dynamics before, remember that the reality might feel different than the fantasy. Instead of diving headlong into an intense FLR relationship, start small and get a feel for what you like (and don’t like). Be sure to discuss sex with your partner beforehand and make sure they’re fully onboard before proceeding. You might try things like: Deciding on a “safeword” (a signal to stop during a sexual experience) Discussing what worked and what didn’t after trying new things Focusing on “aftercare" (affectionate behavior and care-taking after sex)
Talk to other people who enjoy FLRs for a deeper understanding. It can help to get other perspectives outside of just your own and your partner’s, so don’t be afraid to ask others! You can talk to people in your local kink community or seek out people through online kink communities who are willing to share their stories and experiences.
Comments
0 comment