How long does a crush last?
Statistically, crushes often last a few months. There’s no rule about how long a crush could or should last, but for most people, crushes fade after a few months or so. Most of the time, the feelings just…go away, but on rare occasions, a crush is returned and develops into a relationship. Some crushes have been known to last more than a year—but usually, they fade after you get to know the person a little better.
Characteristics of a Crush
Crushes usually involve intense feelings of infatuation. We think you know what we’re talking about: that delicious feeling of longing for your crush’s attention? The inability to focus on other tasks because you can’t stop daydreaming about what it’d be like to date them? Melting into a puddle when they talk to you? That’s a crush, baby. People often get their first crushes in early adolescence, before they start dating, and they can be pivotal in the development of intimacy skills. To put it another way: young teens and middle-schoolers get crushes because they’re not yet sure how to act on their feelings. That said, it’s normal to develop crushes throughout your life, even into old age, and people in relationships develop crushes all the time (and it’s usually nothing to worry about). More on this in our FAQ, below!
Crushes are usually fleeting. While there’s no official expiration date for a crush, most crushes don’t last beyond a few months or so (or they may come and go over the years if you see your crush infrequently). Crushes tend to fade the more you get to know the person, because the attraction is often based on idealized perceptions of who they are. If a crush shows no sign of de-intensifying after a year or so, it’s possible it’s developed into limerence, or a fixation. (More on that later in this article!)
Crushes are typically one-sided. Crushes tend to differ from other types of attraction in that the object of the crush is typically unaware of the crusher’s feelings. Or, if the crushee is aware of the crusher’s feelings, they may not return them. You might not voice your feelings to your crush because you’re too nervous to tell them how you feel or because one or both of you is in a relationship—but sometimes crushes do develop into actual romantic relationships. If you and your crush end up in a relationship, the intense, anxious, crush-y feelings will likely fade as you get to know them better and a deeper attachment forms.
How do you know if it’s true love?
Love tends to involve longer-term mutual commitment and shared attachment. OK, Haddaway asked “What is love” in 1993 and honestly, we’re still mulling it over. In general, though, crushes tend to be more surface-level and based on perceptions of who the other person is, rather than on who they really are. True love tends to be characterized by attachment, commitment, and a deeper understanding of who the other person is. Typically, once you get to know somebody under the surface, past any feelings and fantasies you’ve projected onto them, the crush fades—or else it turns into love. After a year or two of being in love, the intense anxiety and butterflies that typically characterize a crush are usually gone.
How to Get Over a Crush
Try not to avoid your crush. It sounds counterintuitive, but staying away from your crush may actually prolong the fantasy of being with them. Spending time with them often helps the crush fade, as you start to see them as a person and not a fantasy. Up close, you may even realize you’re not a good match after all: they may have an incompatible personality, or values that clash with your own. Or you may just start to see them as a friend, and no longer view them in any way other than platonic. While avoiding your crush in real life can just make it easier to fantasize about them, muting them on social media can make it easier to stop dwelling on them. You don’t need constant reminders of what they’re doing and who they’re with.
Distract yourself to avoid thinking about them. When you’re crushing hard, it’s easy to wallow in your longing, daydreaming about what your crush is doing right now and whether they’re thinking about you. So keep busy! Dive into your hobbies—or develop some new ones to take up your time and attention. Hang out with friends and do fun things that remind you there’s more to life than your crush. Chan recommends “[knowing] the difference between processing and wallowing. The former means you feel the emotions and use self-care, self-compassion, and support to return to equilibrium…. Wallowing is when you see the situation through the lens of a victim and that you are helpless in your circumstance [which prolongs] your suffering.”
Talk to friends or family you trust about your feelings. Having a crush can be fun, but it can also take a toll on your self-esteem—especially if you believe your crush doesn’t return your feelings. Crushing on someone can make you feel inadequate, as if you need a partner to be whole. But confiding in your close friends or family about how you’re feeling can ease the burden of your crush by reminding you you’re amazing as you are, with or without your crush’s attention. If you’re really down bad, you might find it helpful to talk to a therapist or counselor about your crush. They can help you develop coping methods to overcome your feelings. If you’re in a relationship and dealing with a crush, most of the time, you probably don’t need to tell your partner about the crush, since it’ll probably fade. But if months go by and the crush is affecting your relationship, it can help to talk openly to your partner about your feelings, and assure them you want to overcome your crush and won’t act on it. If you’re friends with the person you have a crush on, it could help to tell them you’re struggling with your feelings, but it’s really up to you. Be open about the fact that you’ve developed some romantic feelings for them, but that you don’t want to compromise your friendship.
Consider where the crush came from. Sometimes, you just meet a cool person and you get a li’l’ crush, and there’s not much more to it—but other times, a crush is situational. Understanding how a crush originated may make it easier for you to overcome it. For instance, maybe you’re not feeling great about yourself lately, and your crush gave you a compliment that made you feel good about yourself—in that case, it’s natural to develop some feelings. Consider whether these feelings could just be friendship instead—maybe your crush will become your new BFF. Or maybe you’re feeling particularly lonely lately, and a crush is a stand-in for the relationship you crave. Totally natural and understandable. Ask yourself if you’ve projected any of your own feelings, needs, and fantasies onto your crush—it’s possible that you’ve built them up more in your head than they deserve.
Let yourself feel your feelings. While focusing on getting over your crush can help your feelings fade, at some point, you may have to just let the crush happen and trust that it’ll go away. Think of your crush as a wave, one you can’t stop or fight—you just have to let it wash over you. That includes the fun, pleasant aspects of a crush, like flirting and daydreaming, as well as tough feelings of unrequited love, longing, and even grief. When dealing with a broken heart, “it's normal to take time to grieve, process, and get back to equilibrium,” Chan stresses. “Research shows that the feelings of pain of a romantic rejection usually fade over about six months to two years. People with an anxious attachment style often take breakups harder than those with a secure or avoidant attachment style.” In the meantime, try to live life as usual, and take care of yourself: get plenty of rest, encourage yourself with positive self-talk, get regular exercise, pursue your passions, and spend time with people who make you feel good.
Crushes vs. Limerence
Limerence is more obsessive than a crush. Limerence is similar to a crush in that it involves having intense romantic or sexual one-sided feelings for someone. And just as there’s no clear line between a crush and true love, there’s no clear line between limerence and a crush, but generally speaking, limerence tends to be more of a fixation than a crush is. In fact, limerence may be less about the person you have a crush on, and more about the feeling of being infatuated with them. Limerence is characterized by anxiety and euphoric desire—similar to a crush—but whereas a crush may fade with time or as you get to know the other person, limerence may linger or intensify over months or years.
FAQs about Crushes ????
Why are they called “crushes”? The confusion, desperation, and sense of uncertainty that often accompany a crush can leave you feeling…well, crushed—especially if you know or suspect the crush can’t lead to a real relationship. An unfulfilled crush can be heartbreaking!
Can a crush last for years and years? Sure. There’s no law against having a crush that lasts a long, long time. For instance, you might have a crush on someone you only run into a couple of times a year: often enough to remember how cool they are when they’re not around, but not long enough to get to know them and settle the butterflies. But if you’re thinking about someone constantly for years, you might have to ask yourself if you have a crush or an unhealthy fixation.
Is it OK to have a crush while you’re in a relationship? Absolutely. There are thousands and thousands of very cool and cute people in the world, and odds are, you’ll get to date—at most—a handful of them. So it’s very common to get a little “awooga” for someone you’re not in a relationship with—even when you’re very happy with the person you are in a relationship with. Having a crush can even improve your relationship, as odd as it sounds, by intensifying your desire for your own partner. The key is to accept that you have a crush, realize it’s fleeting and superficial, and, of course, not act on it. And, if you can, enjoy the ride.
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