How to Be a Good Husband and Father

To prepare for fatherhood, doula and parenting teacher Deanna Dawson-Jesus recommends “tak[ing] a parenting class.” Spend time with your spouse and children and show interest in what they do. Encourage them to talk to you and really listen when they do.

Being Thoughtful

Be there when it matters. Some moments may really stand out in your family, such as when your spouse gets passed up for a big promotion or the moment your young child learns to bike without training wheels. As a spouse and a parent, you won’t be able to be there for every single moment in their lives, but try to be there when it matters most. Avoid missing out on important sporting events, recitals, anniversaries or birthdays whenever possible. If you know it’s important to your spouse or kids, try your best to make it. If you can’t, let them know how upset you are to miss it and be sure you’re there next time.

Show interest in your spouse and kids. It’s common for many families to fall into a ho-hum pattern of only discussing things like the kids’ grades, bills, household repairs, and who’s picking up whom from sports practice. Strike a new chord when communicating with your spouse and kids by adding some new topics to the conversation. If you never ask your spouse about their day job, ask “So, how’s that big project coming along at work?” If you never inquire about your children's friends, you might say “How’s Rebecca adjusting to the new school?” Changing up the way you talk helps show your family that you’re interested in them and what’s important to them.

Be a role model and practice what you preach. Don’t expect your children to follow your advice if your own behavior goes against it. Hold yourself accountable for meeting the same standards that you set for your kids. For instance, don’t lie in front of your kids--even little fibs--if you are emphasizing the importance of honesty. If helping out is a big deal in your family, be the first to pitch in with chores or household responsibilities.

Date your spouse. When’s the last time you took your spouse out on a date? When were you last romantic and spontaneous? If it’s been a while, commit to dating your spouse more often. Compare schedules and agree on dates and times when the two of you will go out together sans kids. Dating your spouse also refers to behaviors you did when you were dating. For example, maybe you made them breakfast in bed or regularly purchased a bouquet of flowers to surprise them. Pick those romantic habits back up and watch how your marriage transforms.

Having Good Communication

Encourage open and honest communication. The best husbands and fathers regularly talk to and listen to their spouse and children. When your family feels like you actively make time to hear them out, they will be more forthcoming with communication. Good communication starts early on, so try to implement positive practices as soon as possible. Power off your phone or mute the TV and turn to face your loved one when they are talking. Let your loved ones know that you are interested in talking to them by making yourself available and paying attention when they’re around. Ask open-ended questions to show your interest, like “So what do you like most about this TV show?”

Be an active listener. Many husbands can probably admit to tuning out their spouse and kids every now and then. So, you could probably benefit from freshening up your listening skills. Practice devoting your full attention to your loved ones when they're talking—this one tip could benefit your entire family. Turn to face the person who's talking and make regular eye contact. Nod or encourage them to share. Before you rush to the next subject or end the discussion, sum up what was said to show you were actually listening. Say something like “It seems like work has you stressed out. Am I right?”

Avoid judging or criticizing. A common barrier for effective communication is jumping in with judgments or criticisms. When you do this, your spouse and kids put up walls and are hesitant to talk to you. Instead of judging or criticizing, ask more questions that help you better understand their perspectives. For instance, don’t ask “Why would you do that?,” ask “What happened?” Or, say something like, "Hmm...Tell me more about that."

Use meal times for conversation. Meals are a special way for families to come together. Eating meals together promotes bonding and fosters communication. Dedicate this time for catching up on one another's days or discussing important issues. Take turns going around the table having everyone share the "peaks and pits" (highs and lows) of their day. Take advantage of everyone's presence to share family values or broach difficult subjects with your children, such as bullying.

Be a team player. Your behavior should reflect the notion that you and your spouse are on the same team. This covers basically everything from splitting household and parenting duties to backing up your spouse when they discipline the children. If you aren’t currently being a team player, you might ask your spouse, “What can I do to be a team player?” Being a team player helps you to support your spouse, but it will also reduce conflict between you and minimize the kids’ chances of undermining either of you.

Spending Time with Your Family

Carve out regular quality time for your family. Good husbands and dads have a strong bond with their family, so be intentional about spending time with your spouse and kids as a group and one-on-one. Schedule in bonding time throughout the week. You might start a new tradition of playing games or watching movies every Saturday night for group bonding time. For individual time, try sharing a hobby with your kids, such as tossing around a ball with one child or listening to another child practice the violin. Rise early to share a cup of coffee and enjoy the sunrise with your spouse before the kids wake.

Embrace other family ties. As a husband and a father, you can help your family build strong values by emphasizing the importance of family ties. Whenever possible, try to get your own family and in-laws over for a meal or involve them in your kids' upbringing. Plan a regular family outing or gathering, such as Sunday brunch. Ask your family and in-laws for parenting advice and invite them to parties and sporting events for your children.

Cherish old traditions and build new ones. Good family values also include observing religious holidays, cultural rituals, and family traditions. This might include celebrating Hanukkah, attending church services, praying, or exchanging gifts on Christmas. Show respect to existing family beliefs and traditions and create new ones that are distinct to your family unit. If you and your spouse have the same views, share those beliefs with your children. If your views differ, find a happy medium so that your children have an understanding of both your backgrounds and beliefs. You can also try blending or alternating celebrations from both traditions.

Unplug regularly to focus on your face-to-face relationships. If you’re the type to immediately turn on the TV or laptop after a long day at work, try powering off the electronics for a while. Focusing on sports, TV shows, social media, or even bringing work home could create distance between you and your family. Give them the gift of being physically and mentally present. If you typically use electronics throughout the evening, create an earlier cut-off time to devote more attention to your spouse and children. Spend the extra time catching up with your spouse, reading to your kids, or playing board games together. If you have to do some homework, then let your family know exactly how much time you will need and when you will be available again.

Supporting Your Health and Well-Being

Get enough sleep. When you’re raising small kids, sleep often gets kicked to the curb. Unfortunately, depriving yourself of sleep can make you grumpy or irritable during family time. Improve your mood and have lots of energy to play with your kids by getting 7 to 9 hours of sleep each night. Sleep better by shutting off electronic devices at least an hour before bed. Do soothing activities like light-reading, taking a warm bath, or making love to your spouse.

Eat a nutrient-rich diet. Parents often stress the importance of eating healthy to their kids, but you may not be following that advice yourself. Eat well-balanced, nutritious meals to fuel your body so that you can be productive at work and still have energy left over for your family. Eat a diet rich in vitamins and minerals, including whole foods like fruits and vegetables, lean protein, whole grains, and nuts and seeds. Be sure to drink plenty of water. Reduce the amount of junk food and processed foods you consume.

Exercise regularly. Physical activity is one of the best ways to support physical health, live longer, and manage everyday stress. Plus, if you exercise with your spouse and kids, you’ll be modeling healthy habits for your whole family. Plan a fun night of bowling with your spouse and kids. Or, go for a family bike-ride or hike on weekends. If your favorite form of exercise is a solo one, such as running, then make sure to also plan some activities that will involve your whole family.

Manage your stress effectively. Because children often pick up their parent’s habits, strive to develop healthy ways of handling stress. Instead of turning to alcohol, drugs, gambling, or compulsive shopping, stick to healthy habits like exercise, relaxation techniques, and self-care. When stress hits, try meditation, deep breathing, or yoga to quell the tension. Build a self-care routine that allows you to regularly engage in fun, nourishing activities like gardening, getting a haircut, or listening to your favorite music.

Build a strong support system. You might be so consumed with your marital, parenting, and work responsibility, that you don't prioritize other social relationships. Take measures to keep an active social life, so that you have healthy outlets for stress. Join a club or organization relating to your career or a hobby. Participate in a church or civic group in your area. Or, start a Meetup group for dads to gather in your local community. Your social network is a valuable resource for getting advice and encouragement for being a better husband and father. It can be helpful to talk with other men about your role as a husband and father.