Creating a Strong Relationship
Communicate effectively. Effective communication is one of the pillars of any healthy relationship. If you and your partner are focused on talking over one another or trying to "win" an argument, your relationship will ultimately suffer. Focus on working together to solve issues that arise in your relationship. Put aside your pride and try not to think of conversations as contests that are won or lost. This type of thinking will only damage your relationship. Take your partner's thoughts, feelings, and input into consideration, even if you disagree. Ask him to do the same for you. Try to find some type of middle ground that combines both of your opinions on the issue. If you can't find any middle ground, try asking your boyfriend, "How can we resolve this without either of us feeling like our needs aren't being met?"
Have fun together. Having fun with your boyfriend isn't just an enjoyable way to spend a day, it's also a way to strengthen your relationship. You should dedicate time to having fun together on a regular basis to help ensure a strong, satisfying relationship. If you're having fun doing things together, your relationship will only grow stronger. Try to inject some spontaneity into your relationship. If you both have a day off with nothing planned, do something adventurous and unexpected together. Spend some time snuggling together. You can do this while you watch TV or movies, or any time you're sitting next to one another. Be silly around one another. You and your partner should feel comfortable expressing yourselves, even if it's in absurd or goofy ways.
Focus on romance. Every relationship needs a romantic component. Romance doesn't necessarily have to mean sex, though for many couples the two are related. Making time to show affection for one another, no matter how that is defined in your relationship, is important for you and your partner to bond and grow closer with one another. Make your relationship a priority. Put off the extra work you brought home from the office and take time to do something special together, even if it's just getting dinner or watching TV. Physical intimacy is important. If you're not sexually active, you can still be intimate by kissing, giving one another massages, or simply holding hands on a regular basis. If you and your partner are sexually active, make sure you are both meeting each other's needs. Sex should be mutually enjoyable and emotionally satisfying; if it's not, let your boyfriend know what you need and ask him to do the same.
Be understanding. If you're used to being single and have never had kids, dating a single parent can be an adjustment. While it's easy for you to make it to dates on time, it may not always be so easy for a single parent. It can make dating a single dad much easier in the long run if you understand this going into the relationship. Remember that his kids are probably his top priority. If arrangements with a babysitter fall through or an emergency arises, he may have to cancel plans at the last minute. Be flexible with him if he has to cancel or postpone plans because of his kids. Remember that this is actually a sign that he's a good dad and a mature adult.
Show support. Many divorced, single parents feel insecure and unstable. Divorce can be difficult, and some single parents worry that if the mother (or father) of their child didn't stay then a new dating partner might abandon them as well. Making him feel secure doesn't mean committing to a lifelong relationship; it just means you may need to offer reassurance and boost his self-esteem from time to time. Let him know that you find him very handsome and attractive, that you appreciate him, and try to do little things to show affection (like holding hands in public, for example). Avoid asking about his ex unless he brings it up. Focus on building a strong relationship between the two of you. Make sure your boyfriend makes you feel supported as well. Talk to him about ways you can mutually support one another in your relationship. For instance, you might tell him that you feel loved and appreciated when he compliments you. Ask him what makes him feel loved and supported — is it with compliments, physical affection, or something else?
Building a Relationship with His Kids
Discuss your role. If you've never dated someone with kids before, you may not know much about interacting with them. He may also have his own expectations about your dynamic with his kids. It's important to discuss this thoroughly with your boyfriend, but only once things become serious between you. Remember that you're never going to replace the other parent in his kids' eyes. You can still be affectionate and loving towards his kids, but you have to remember that they are ultimately his kids and not yours. Let him know what your comfort level is and talk about setting boundaries accordingly (if needed).
Choose the right time. It may take a while before things are steady between you and your boyfriend and he decides to introduce you to his kids. That's okay; in fact, it's probably better that you don't rush into meeting his kids. If you're dating casually, things may end up fizzling out between you. Kids can get attached to people very quickly and easily. Getting to know his kids if you're not serious about the relationship could end up hurting them.
Meet the kids in their own environment. When you're ready to meet his kids (and when he thinks they're ready to meet you), it's best to meet in a setting that makes them as comfortable as possible. This can make it easier for them, which will make it easier for you as well. Suggest that you meet his kids at his house. That way you're in a space that's comfortable and familiar. After you meet them and chat for a bit you can have a pizza dinner together and watch a family-friendly movie.
Take it slow. After you've met his kids, you'll need to get to know them a little better; however, it's important to avoid rushing into this as well, since you don't want to overwhelm the kids or become an imposing figure. If he's comfortable with it, try spending some one-on-one time with his kids. This can help you get to know them and let them get to know you. Offer to take his kids someplace they like, such as their favorite park or their favorite restaurant; however, make sure that this isn't somewhere his ex takes them, or the kids may feel like you're trying to replicate that experience. Ease slowly into spending alone time with his kids. Pace yourself: start out spending a few hours alone with them once every week or two (if you're comfortable doing so) and take it from there. Find out what they're interested in so you have something to talk about and bond over.
Expect some reluctance or resistance. When you first meet his kids, they might be excited or they may be resistant. This is normal, and it's not a reflection of you or your potential to care for the kids. They're simply afraid of change, and meeting their dad's new significant other is a really big change for kids. Even if you're charming and affectionate, it can take kids time to adjust to new situations. If they're used to just being with your boyfriend and his ex, the kids may be a little standoffish with you at first. Let the kids know that you're there for them. When they eventually come around to you, it's important that they know you want to support them any way you can. If they're being resistant, say something like, "I understand this must be difficult for you. I just want you to know that I care about your father and I care about you; I'm here if you ever want to talk."
Interacting with His Ex-Wife
Learn about the relationship. This may be a sensitive subject. It takes a good deal of tact to ask properly about his ex-wife, so it's important to choose your words and your timing carefully. You want to avoid sounding accusatory or insecure, which could sour your relationship, but it's still an important factor to learn about. With a little tact, though, you can overcome this awkward hurdle and better understand their dynamic. Make sure your relationship is somewhat serious before bringing up his ex-wife. Asking about her is important, but doing it too soon could make it seem like you're trying to rush into things. Ask in a respectful and genuine way. Say something like, "I hope this isn't too intrusive, but things seem to be going well with us... Is it okay if I ask about your relationship with your ex-wife?" Try to ascertain from his response what his boundaries are with his ex-wife. Do they hang out socially and call or text each other on a regular basis, or are they more focused on just keeping things cordial?
Minimize awkwardness. The first time you meet his ex-wife, it's probably going to be very awkward for everyone involved. There's no need to rush into this; in fact, you should probably put off meeting his ex until things are very serious between you and your boyfriend. Otherwise, she might feel like he's trying to stir up jealousy. If/when you do meet her, do so in a setting where the kids are absent. This kind of introduction can be tense for everyone, and kids can pick up on that tension. You may want to meet in a neutral place, like a coffee shop or at a park. That way you avoid feeling like you're intruding on her territory and vice versa. Make sure your boyfriend is there when you meet his ex-wife. It's important for you to meet her with him there to mediate things and act as the middle man.
Be respectful of his ex-wife's role. Whether your boyfriend and his ex are close friends or are very distant, you need to be respectful of their dynamic. The only exception might be if he still has feelings for her or vice versa; otherwise, their dynamic doesn't concern you, and neither does his ex-wife's dynamic with their kids. Just as his kids may worry you're trying to replace the other parent, his ex-wife may also worry that you're trying to take over that role. Never critique his ex-wife, either directly (to her face) or indirectly (trash talking her with your boyfriend). Save the criticism for your friends, or just keep it to yourself or write it in a private journal. Even if you've developed a good relationship with the kids, stand back and let the ex-wife be their parent whenever they interact. You can fulfill your role at home; let her do the same with her kids.
Set boundaries. While it's important to respect his ex-wife's role with the kids (and possibly in his life as well), you also have your own comfort level and your own emotional needs. If your boyfriend's relationship with his ex makes you uncomfortable in any way, it's important to convey your concerns and your needs to your boyfriend. Be calm when you convey your discomfort. It should be a polite, respectful conversation, not an argument. Setting boundaries may involve some give-and-take. It's not necessarily realistic or fair to demand that your boyfriend cut off all interaction with his ex-wife, but you can politely ask him to limit phone calls/texts or social visits with her.
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