How to Deal With a Difficult Mother in Law

Appeasing an Old-Fashioned Mother-in-Law

Discuss the problem privately to determine the root of the issue. Offer to take your mother-in-law out for coffee or lunch and ask to discuss the issue when the two of you sit down. Start by explaining that you aren’t angry or upset, but simply want to understand why she’s being so critical. There may be an underlying issue that is bothering her, and discussing the problem in a collaborative way will get you closer to solving the problem. Start by making it about you. Say, “I’d love to sit down with you and talk through something that’s been bothering me lately.” This will make it seem like you have a problem, not her, and will prevent a potential argument. If your mother-in-law’s issues have to do with your culture or religion, do your best to keep your cool. You could say something like, “I’m respectful of your beliefs and I think that it’s only fair if you’re respectful of mine.”

Treat criticisms like they’re advice and reply softly. If your mother-in-law critiques your style or beliefs, play her comments off like she’s making a suggestion, not an objective comment. This will undermine your mother-in-law’s comments by making them seem like they’re entirely a matter of opinion. It will also relieve tension a little bit by making it easier to move on in the conversation. “I guess I’ll have to think about that,” “That’s an interesting perspective,” and, “I see where you’re coming from, let me think about it,” are good responses that will make it seem like there’s nothing more to say.

Call her out when she crosses the line to create boundaries. If your mother-in-law comments or critiques something relating to your religion, culture, political beliefs, or class, create a firm boundary by calling her out. If you consistently show her that you’re unwilling to tolerate her comments, she’ll be forced to confront her unfair beliefs and defend them. If she doesn’t want to do that, which is the more likely response, she’ll simply lay off of the sensitive subjects. Be firm, but respectful. For example, if your mother-in-law says you need to start going to church, say, “I don’t criticize your religious beliefs and you have no right to criticize mine. I will not tolerate you tearing me down. Please stop now and we can move on.”

Coping with an Argumentative or Critical Mother-in-Law

Communicate with your mother-in-law by asking what the underlying issue is. Ask your mother-in-law out for coffee or lunch and explain that you don’t want any bad blood and that you respect her. Calmly explain that you feel like she argues with you a lot and ask what you can do to help resolve the issue. You may not like her answers, but you’ll get some insight into the underlying problem. If your mother-in-law completely denies the fact that she argues with you, she may simply have no idea that she’s doing it. This could be an indication that she isn’t actively trying to criticize you. Drop the topic and see if her behavior changes after you’ve brought it to her attention. If your mother-in-law simply says she doesn’t like you, there isn’t much you can do. Show her that you’re a worthy partner for her child by staying out of arguments with her and agreeing to disagree. Keep in mind that the problem may have nothing to do with you. Things may be turning sour with her husband or she may be upset with something going on at work. If this is the case, offer to help her in whatever way you can. She may stop taking it out on you.

Ask your spouse to talk to her if she isn’t communicating effectively. If she can’t even discuss the problem without starting a fight, enlist your spouse to talk to her. Ask him to calm her down and open up a channel of communication with her. She may simply feel uncomfortable talking to you about her grievances. If she won’t communicate constructively, don’t engage in an argument. Your mother-in-law is likely trying to pick a fight and this will create a vicious cycle where you’re rewarding her by giving her what she wants.

Stand up for yourself if she’s calling you out publicly. If your mother-in-law comes at you when you’re in front of your spouse or children, show her that you won’t let her treat you unfairly by standing up for yourself. Use a firm and respectful tone to point out that she’s behaving irresponsibly and focus on her behavior instead of the content of the argument. For example, if she says something like, “You’re so bad at keeping track of things. Why are you such a disorganized mess?” Respond by saying, “Ms. Smith, I don’t know why you think it’s reasonable to try shaming your child’s partner, but it’s unacceptable. Please stop.” Point out that there is a time and place for tough conversations. Say, “We can have an adult conversation about this privately, but I’m not going to sit here and argue in front of our guests.”

Pick your battles carefully to prove that she’s the one with the problem. If she’s trying to argue in front of guests and the topic of the argument is silly or unimportant, simply let her talk and keep your responses short. She will show everyone just how angry she is while you prove how level-headed and calm you are. It may also have the effect of calming her down once she sees you won’t respond. This is a particularly good strategy if you’re having trouble convincing your spouse that this is an issue. When your mother-in-law says something like, “I can’t believe you didn’t sign your children up for summer camp, why are you so inattentive to their needs?” say something like, “Please explain,” to let her continue and make a fool of herself. You’ll seem like a reasonable person that is open to advice, while she’ll look like an argumentative child.

Handling an Overbearing Mother-in-Law

Avoid trying to solve the problem in a private conversation. An overbearing mother-in-law is likely acting out of an impulse to take care of her child. If you approach the subject with her when your partner isn’t around, she will automatically feel like you’re betraying her child’s trust and not acting in their best interests. She also may not trust your decision-making, so facing her one-on-one may be counterproductive and lead to an argument.

Explain why you’re not following your mother-in-law’s demands. If your mother-in-law tends to make a lot of demands, calmly explain your reasoning for doing something differently to make it seem like you aren’t simply trying to spite her. If you simply ignore her, you’ll just make her think that she needs to push harder. By explaining yourself, you’ll not only show her that you’re willing to stand up for yourself, but you may point something out that she hasn’t thought about and make her agree with you. For example, if she claims that you’re not being appreciative of your partner, calmly explain, “I express appreciation privately all the time, just not in front of you. I don’t want to disrespect you by making a show of it.” If your mother-in-law won’t stop asking when you’re going to have grandchildren, make it about the quality of life for the children to seem like you’ve thought it through. Say, “We’re waiting until we’ve set up a college fund so that we give them the best future possible.”

Wait until she’s not around to have important conversations about key decisions. If your mother-in-law tends to insert herself during key decisions or conversations, simply wait until she’s not around or move to a different part of your home to talk it out. She can’t insert her opinion if she isn’t around to make it. “We can talk about it later” is a simple way of deflecting tough conversations in front of your mother-in-law. Try coming up with a signal with your spouse to indicate that you want to talk privately. It can be something as simple as a tug on the ear or an innocuous phrase like, “We need to go grocery shopping soon.” That way you can keep your mother-in-law from getting offended that you plan on discussing something when she isn’t around.

Express gratefulness for your spouse in front of your mother-in-law. If your mother-in-law is often critical of you specifically, try showing lots of affection and appreciation for your spouse whenever she’s around. She may relax if she feels like the two of you are both working towards the common goal of making her child happy. Simple comments like, “I appreciate you picking the kids up today. You’re such a good partner!” are an easy way to score points in front of your mother-in-law. This is a good strategy if your mother-in-law has expressed a concern about your loyalty or dedication. Showing her that you care about her child will put her at ease and make her feel less compelled to insert herself.

Collaborating with Your Spouse

Talk to your spouse to see if this has always been a problem. If your mother-in-law has always been critical, demanding, or argumentative, you may need to simply work out a strategy to minimize the behavior and cope with it. If this is a new behavior and it is directed only at you, there is likely an underlying problem that must be addressed. Talk to your spouse to get a better understanding of your mother-in-law. If you’re nervous about broaching the subject, say something like, “I’d like to talk about the way your mother has been acting, but I don’t want to fight. I just want to discuss the issue to see if we can find a solution.” You’re going to have a greater chance of succeeding if you work on this issue with your spouse. They’re going to have a lot of insight and if you behave in an unexpected way with your mother-in-law, it could cause a rift between you and your spouse.

Ask your spouse to back you up or talk to her if she’s only focusing on you. Presenting a united front with your spouse will send the message to your mother-in-law that her behavior is unacceptable. If your spouse confronts the problem first, it will signal that you both acknowledge the issue. Ask your partner to talk to her privately to see if they can uncover the root of the problem. If your spouse is uncomfortable getting in the middle of things, ask them to at least stand up for you when she crosses a line. Ask your spouse to report back to you after they have a private conversation with their mother. They may have some important information about what the root of the problem is. Tell your spouse, “I really think that you’ll have an easier time talking to her than I will. If you talk to her first and figure out why she’s not acting fairly, it will make it easier for me to sit down with her.”

Develop a strategy together to solve the problem. Don’t get ahead of yourself and start talking or arguing with your mother-in-law without consulting your spouse first. If you cross a line or engage in an argument without agreeing on a coping strategy, you may end up offending your spouse. Decide on whether you want to confront, deflect, or avoid the problem together to give yourself the highest chance of succeeding. Even if you want to deal with the problem by talking to your mother-in-law privately, you should still consult your partner first. They may have some tips or advice on how to speak with her, and you should give them a head’s up in case your mother-in-law goes to consult them after the two of you speak.

Handling Issues with Child-Rearing

Solicit advice with child-rearing even if you don’t intend to take it. Your mother-in-law has a lot of experience raising children. It is possible that she is acting out because she feels like you’re being disrespectful by ignoring her or not soliciting her advice. Ask how she would handle teaching the children to swim or finding a preschool program. Even if you don’t take her advice, she may relax once she sees that her opinion is important. Give her some small wins! If she says that ginger ale is better than tea for a runny nose, just suck it up and get your kid some ginger ale. It will give you some room to maneuver when it comes to the important decisions.

Find a way to agree with your mother-in-law’s comments, even if she’s being critical. A comment like, “You need to look for a good private school” can quickly be appeased with a simple, “I’ll keep that in mind!” or, “Education is important. We’ll think about that!” This will minimize the subtext of her comments by making them seem like non-issues. If she ever says anything you agree with, mention it. Give a comment like “Your kids are growing up fast!” a simple, “They really are!”

Consider reigning in your instructions for watching the children. Your mother-in-law may feel micromanaged when you leave a long list of requirements and instructions for babysitting. Your mother-in-law clearly did a decent job raising your spouse, so try trusting her. It can be scary to leave your children with other people when they’re young, but she may feel disrespected when you leave a long list of tasks or warnings.