How to Deal With a Lying Teenager

Addressing Your Teen's Lies

Let your teen know when you've caught him/her lying. If you've caught your teen in a lie, you'll need to address the lie and the underlying behavior (whatever he/she was lying about). However, it's imperative that you do this as carefully as you can. Otherwise your teen will just get upset back at you, and may be less likely to communicate with you about other things. Don't act triumphant or satisfied by catching your teen in a lie. Your teen's safety should be your number one priority. State things as a matter of fact. Be direct and open without being aggressive. Say something like, "I want to talk to you about something. You told me _____ the other day, but I know for a fact that you were lying. I've talked to _____ and they told me your story isn't true." Ask your teen directly why he or she felt the need to lie to you.

Maintain control of your emotions. It's incredibly important that you don't lose your temper while dealing with your teen's lies. The situation is already difficult, and getting angry or upset will only make the situation worse. If you remain calm, your teen is more likely to continue carrying on a conversation with you. If you yell, though, your teen may just storm off. It's okay if you're upset, but don't take your anger out on your teenager. That will only make a bad situation worse. Calm down before talking to your teenager when you've found out he/she has lied to you. Take deep breaths, try counting to 10, go for a walk, or make a cup of tea or coffee before you sit down to talk with your teen. Say something like, "Go wait in your room. I'll be up shortly, and we're going to talk about what happened." Try to remain calm when you do talk. Your teen is likely to get upset, so you'll need to be the steady, rational one in this conversation.

Convey your disapproval. Start out by letting your teen know that his/her lies have hurt you and weakened your trust. This doesn't mean trying to guilt your teen, but you should let your teen know that his/her lies affect you and have a negative impact on your parent/child relationship. Don't call your teen a liar or label your teen as untrustworthy. You should let your teen know that lying weakens your ability to trust him/her, though. Use your moment of disapproval as an opportunity to teach your teen a lesson. Try to focus on the risky behavior your teen is engaging in rather than the lie. Talk about what happened and why your teen made the decisions that were made. Try to get at the reasons behind the lie so that you can better understand your teen's behavior. Ask what your teen can do differently next time (both to avoid the situation that was lied about and to avoid lying to you).

Encourage more open communication in the future. The best way to prevent future lies is by making your teen feel that you are approachable. If your teen feels like he/she can come to you with problems or to confess bad behavior without getting yelled at or punished, it will make your teen more likely to trust you (and by extension, you'll be able to trust your teen as well). Remember that correcting a habit of lying is a process, not something that can be solved with a simple solution. Your teen needs to feel that he/she can be honest and open with you, which may take time. Let your teen know that you love him/her, and that you don't expect your teen to be perfect. Tell your teen that he or she would be less likely to get into trouble by coming to you with the truth than by hiding it or lying to you. You may want to consider offering your teen one last chance to come clean. Tell your teen that if he or she is willing to be honest about the situation at hand, you'll forgive him/her this time and hold off on punishment. Make it clear that there will be strict punishment for lying next time. You should also stress that when your teen lies to you, it makes it harder for you to have trust and grant freedom/independence to your teen.

Set and enforce consequences for lying. If your teen continues to engage in bad behavior and lie about it, he or she obviously hasn't learned a lesson yet. If this happens, you may need to start enforcing the rules and punishing your teen when you find out about lies in the future. Tell your teen what will happen if you catch a lie in the future (grounded, loss of privileges, additional chores, no allowance, etc) and enforce that consequence if it happens again. Never resort to acts of violence as "punishment." Physically abusing your teen is illegal and immoral, and it will destroy any chance for a healthy relationship. Most teens want more freedom (and many lie to get that freedom). By restricting your teen's access to freedom, you will ideally be teaching your teen that the only way to get that independence is through honesty and good behavior.

Deal with compulsive lying. Most compulsive liars get something out of lying. Often this type of behavior is motivated by issues involving self-esteem. If your teen is compulsively lying, even in situations where there's no reason to lie (nothing to be gained and no punishment to be avoided), you may need to intervene. Reassure your teen that you love him or her. Let your teen know that you're available to talk any time he/she is feeling unhappy or unsatisfied. If your teen suffers from depression or has some other reason for compulsively lying, you may want to seek out a therapist who's qualified to work with adolescents. Ask your teen's doctor or pediatrician for a recommendation. The doctor may know someone who specializes in adolescent depression and/or compulsive lying. You can also search online for adolescent therapists in your area, or use the database at Psychology Today to find a specialist near you.

Address lying about risky behavior like drug and alcohol use. For many teens, drugs and alcohol are a part of a passing phase of experimentation. However, this experimentation is not necessarily harmless. Even "low-level" intoxicants like alcohol and marijuana can have serious effects on your teen's health, especially since your teen is still growing and developing. Casual usage can also lead to addiction, and any usage could easily tarnish your teen's legal record if he or she gets caught. If your teen is engaging in drug or alcohol abuse, you should have a frank conversation about the dangers of drugs and alcohol, and if things don't improve you may need to enlist the help of a qualified mental health expert. Lying about illegal or dangerous behavior needs to be addressed directly. Often some underlying issue like depression, anxiety, or self-esteem problems will cause a teen to seek out intoxicants. If your teen is lying about drugs or alcohol and talking to him/her hasn't helped, search online or in the phone book to find a mental health expert in your area who deals with adolescents and addiction.

Assessing Whether Your Teen Is Lying

Know the most frequent lies. If you're worried about your teen telling you the truth, it may be helpful to know the things teens lie about most often. You can't accuse your teen of lying about everything, but if you know what your teen is most likely to lie about, you can prevent future instances of that behavior. Some of the most common behaviors teens lie about include: how teens spend their time what teens spend their allowance on seeing friends that their parents don't approve of which movies your teen sees and whom your teen goes with what types of clothing your teen wears outside the house drinking alcohol and/or doing drugs driving under the influence or riding in cars with a driver who was under the influence going to parties having adult supervision outside the house

Approach the situation with caution. It's tough to know when your teen is lying, and any suspicions should be approached very cautiously. Being overly suspicious of your teen actually makes you statistically less likely to know what your teen is lying about. You may be more likely to recognize your teen is lying about something when you're suspicious, but you'll probably be wrong about what your teen lies about and why. Accusing your teen of lying when he or she is actually telling the truth may make your teen less likely to be open and honest with you in the future. Try to evaluate your teen's behavior in the context of his or her past patterns of behavior. If your teen is getting into trouble (or has a history of doing so), that teen may be more likely to lie to you. Remember that no teen is lying about everything all the time. You may have your suspicions, but you need to recognize that your teen does tell the truth as well, and you need to be fair in your assessment of his/her honesty.

Plan out ways to check if your teen is lying. Some parents may not be comfortable trying to catch their teens in a lie. However, if you have your suspicions and you want to put a stop to it, it may be worth considering checking out your teen's story. This can help establish a baseline of behavior so you'll know what to expect going forward. If your teen claims to have spent the day at a friend's house, call that friend's parents and confirm that this is true. You may want to try quizzing your teen to see if he/she is telling the truth. Remember what your teen says, and ask follow-up questions later on to see if your teen sticks to the same story you were told earlier. With that said, it's important to recognize that trying to "trap" your teen in a lie will only discourage open and honest communication with you. Resist the urge to spy on your teen or go through his/her belongings. This can damage your teen's trust in you and set back your lines of communication.

Convey your suspicions. Whether you've caught your teen in a lie or you simply don't believe your teen's story, you should express this to your teen as calmly and directly as possible. Don't get mad, and don't accuse your teen of lying; instead, open a conversation about what your teen has told you. Don't interrogate your teen. That will only make your teen more likely to lie to you again. Let your teen know that you don't entirely believe the story you're being told. Give your teen a way out. He/she may be willing to tell the truth if you offer some type of immunity from punishment. You can say something like, "We're reasonably sure that you're not telling us the truth. Are you sure you want to stick with your version of events, or is there something else you'd like to tell us?"

Preventing Lies in the Future

Set a good example by being honest. Many adults lie to other adults for the same basic reasons your teen may be lying to you: to avoid getting into trouble, or to be able to keep doing things you know you're not supposed to. Lying to others while you punish your teen for lying sets a bad example and makes you look like a hypocrite. Instead of lying to cover your tracks, be open and honest about your actions and your motivations. Then show your teen that it worked out much better for you to be honest about the situation. Avoid telling so-called "white lies." Don't lie to your boss if you're late to work. Apologize for being late and start leaving for work a little earlier so it doesn't happen again. Resist the urge to withhold information from your partner. Be honest and open, and show your teen how much better your relationship is because of that honesty. Be honest if your teen asks you hard questions. Rather than lying about your past bad behavior, tell the truth and admit it was a mistake.

Spend more time with your teen. Many teens who habitually lie to their parents have a hard time seeing their own inherent value. A good way to prevent future lies is by spending as much time as possible with your teen and conveying that you see tremendous potential in him/her. Spending time together lets you know what's going on in your teen's life, and it lets your teen feel that you're approachable if he/she needs to talk. It also shows that you take an interest in your teen and want what's best for him or her. You should ideally aim to spend some time with your teen every day. Open up an honest dialogue by talking about your day and asking your teen about his or her day. You can try spending time together by doing something your teen enjoys. You might play video games together, go for a walk in the woods, or some other activity that will make your teen happy.

Promote honest, open communication. As you spend time with your teen, convey the importance of honesty and communication. You don't have to say this explicitly, but you should let your teen feel that trust between the two of you helps you to know that your teen is safe and will make the right decisions. Remind your teen that you will trust him or her more if you're shown honesty and trustworthiness. Let your teen know that lies make it hard to trust one another. Don't punish your teen if he or she comes to you needing advice about a tricky situation. Doing so will only make your teen less likely to come to you for help in the future.

Teach your teen to solve problems and make good decisions. If your teen learns how to make smart, healthy decisions, there's less of a chance your teen will need to lie to you about doing something wrong. Teens are most capable of independence when they're able to identify emotions, exhibit some sense of self-control, cope with unpleasant emotions, and make informed decisions to solve their own problems. Many teens lie to cover up behavior they know was bad. If you can eliminate that bad behavior, you should be able to trust your teen more and more. Promote open discourse. Let your teen know that he or she can come to you for advice, and offer helpful feedback without judgment. Talk to your teen about how to evaluate a situation and make the right decision. You should also talk to your teen about how to cope with unpleasant feelings in healthy, productive ways.

Be willing to compromise. Teenagers typically want increasing amounts of freedom. They're approaching adulthood and want the independence to make their own decisions without having to ask for permission. While you'll still need to monitor your teen's behavior, you may need to give your teen a little more freedom if it means he/she will be more honest with you. If you're willing to compromise on things like what time your teen's curfew is, which friends your teen can spend time with, or where your teen can go, he or she is less likely to feel the need to lie. Compromising doesn't mean giving in to all of your teen's demands, nor does it mean being unwilling to hear your teen's requests. Sit down with your teen and work out a give-and-take solution. For example, if your teen's curfew is 9:00 PM and he or she wants to stay out until midnight, compromise on 10:30 or 11:00. Be willing to make exceptions under certain conditions. For example, if your teen wants to go to a concert that will end past his or her curfew, let your teen go but offer to chaperone or drive your teen. By compromising and simultaneously establishing some kind of presence in your teen's activities (as in the concert example), you can prevent your teen's need to lie about where he/she is, what time your teen will be home, and how your teen will get home.

Let your teen's behavior determine his/her freedom. It's important to stress to your teen that the choices he/she makes will determine how much freedom and independence you'll give. This can make it feel less like punishment, since your teen will understand that you're responding to his or her behavior. Give your teen the independence he or she wants, but make it clear that a violation of your trust will affect that level of freedom. Remind your teen that independence as an adult comes with a great price. You can only maintain your independence as an adult if you follow certain social rules and laws, just as your teen must follow your rules at home. This leaves the ball in your teenager's court, so to speak. If your teen wants to maintain that independence or gain new freedoms, he or she will have to prove trustworthy. Reward your teen with more independence as he/she demonstrates trustworthiness and honesty. You might try extending your teen's curfew or giving your teen extra allowance, for example. Restrict your teen's freedom when you catch him/her lying. Remind your teen that you made it clear that lies will result in reduced freedom, and enforce the rules.