How to Deal With Being Hated

Handling Haters Indirectly

Ignore them. If possible, don't even bother to engage with your haters. Bullies often feed upon the thrill of provoking a reaction. Quite often, haters are trying to validate themselves by making you feel bad. This can spiral into a vicious circle where the hater insults you, you react, and the hater reacts to your reaction. Bullies are a special type of hater. For someone to be a bully, their actions must be repetitive and there must be some type of power imbalance involved. While all bullies are haters, not all haters are bullies. For example, your little brother can call you names without being a bully, since you're probably bigger and stronger than he is. Likewise, if a classmate says one nasty thing to you, then she isn't a bully. In general, passive methods are better when dealing with bullies, while confrontation may be best to address other kinds of haters. If your hater is annoying you in class, pretend you can't hear him or her. If your hater provokes you or tries to get your attention, do not respond in any way. Remember that ignoring hate is not best in all circumstances. If the person who hates you starts to physically or verbally assault you, it is best to get other people, especially an authority figure like a teacher or work supervisor, involved.

Project confidence. Self-confidence is your best weapon against a hater. Laugh off insults, drop witty comebacks, and stay positive. If you don't let your confidence slip, a hater is more likely to get frustrated simply start leaving you alone. For example, if someone insults your art, take the high road. Try saying: "I'm sorry you feel that way, but art is subjective. I'm just doing my best to improve, though, so I would appreciate any constructive criticism you may have." If someone calls you "weird," you could say: "Maybe a little, but I like who I am. What's wrong with being weird?" When you are walking by someone who hates you, don't look down or lean the other way. That kind of posture tells the hater that you're afraid, that you're giving the hater what he or she wants. Instead, stand up tall with your head held high.

Avoid the haters. This does not mean that you should hide from anyone. You should never let bullies rule your life. Simply try to put yourself into situations that don't require you to interact with these haters. When you're young, you will especially get a lot of hate from people who don't understand your interests and passions. Instead of hanging around these sorts of people, look for ways to pursue these passions outside the scope of their negativity. If you are dealing with especially malicious haters in one of your classes, ask if you can transfer to a different one. If you are facing haters in a club or group, consider whether you can find another group that is not so negative. If you know that a particularly nasty person is always in the same spot every day, do not go to that spot. Find a way around or ask a group of your peers to go past the spot with you. Avoiding the haters is also a great way to boost your self-confidence. This gives you an opportunity to pursue your interests without the flood of negative thoughts.

Prove them wrong. If your haters are saying that you can't do something, the best way to shut them up might be to show them up. Do the thing that they say you can't do, and do it well. Use their hate to fuel your drive. For example, if your haters tell you you'll never be good at sports, you can prove them wrong by working hard. Join a team in a sport of your choice if you don't already belong to one and throw yourself into practice. If haters think you are too scared to talk to your crush, let that motivate you into finally asking him or her out. Be aware that proving haters wrong does not always make them stop. In some cases, your success could make the haters even more jealous. This is not a reason to keep yourself from succeeding, but don't do anything just to show them up. Live life for yourself.

Confronting Haters

Speak up. If you can't take it anymore, don't. Avoiding haters doesn't always resolve the problem. Find a moment to speak honestly with these people, and try to explain where you're coming from. Speak with each hater as a mature and conscientious equal no matter how rudely the other person has been in the past. This is especially important for passive haters who may not insult you directly. Try telling your hater: "I've been getting a lot of negative energy from you recently, and I'd appreciate it if you kept those thoughts to yourself. It's childish, and I don't want to have to deal with this anymore." Try to understand why your hater is acting this way. Ask him or her: "Have I done something to personally wrong you? You seem to be taking a lot of negativity out on me, and I don't understand why." EXPERT TIP Alicia Oglesby Alicia Oglesby Professional School Counselor Alicia Oglesby is a Professional School Counselor and the Director of School and College Counseling at Bishop McNamara High School outside of Washington DC. With over ten years of experience in counseling, Alicia specializes in academic advising, social-emotional skills, and career counseling. Alicia holds a BS in Psychology from Howard University and a Master’s in Clinical Counseling and Applied Psychology from Chestnut Hill College. She also studied Race and Mental Health at Virginia Tech. Alicia holds Professional School Counseling Certifications in both Washington DC and Pennsylvania. She has created a college counseling program in its entirety and developed five programs focused on application workshops, parent information workshops, essay writing collaborative, peer-reviewed application activities, and financial aid literacy events. Alicia Oglesby Alicia Oglesby Professional School Counselor Clear up misunderstandings. If you have tension with others or feel unjustly disliked, start by trying to make amends for any misunderstandings. If you're still having negative interactions, try to take a step back and focus on your good qualities. Talk to trusted teachers about issues and don’t withdraw socially — isolating yourself will make it worse.

Don't be rash. Haters feed on your emotions. If you respond quickly and emotionally, there's a good chance that you won't be able to make a strong point. If you lash out, you will only give them more reason to make fun of you. Do not let your words be clouded by anger and frustration. Give yourself the time to cool down before you respond.

Avoid physical violence. Resolve conflict with measured words and confident maturity. If hatred is fire, be like water and extinguish it. Be cool and collected. Fighting fire with fire doesn't work. While you should never start a fight, don't let a hater hurt you. Learn self-defense and protect yourself. Turn your attacker's strength against him or her.

Dealing with Cyberbullies

Don't respond to trolls. Haters you run into online can sometimes be even more persistent than the ones you see every day. However, remember that their motivations are usually the same: they're looking for a reaction from you. Luckily there are many ways of shutting down cyberbullies. Block harassers. Most online platforms allow you to block communication from certain users. Use this feature to keep your hater from contacting you. On many forums, this feature will even hide his or her public posts from view to keep them from ruining your day. Check the rules of the game or website. Most prohibit trolling, threats, and other inflammatory communications. Instead of responding to such attacks, report them to a moderator.

Protect your privacy. Don't use your real name outside of Facebook and professional websites. This is especially important if you have a unique name that can easily tracked through a search engine. Use a nickname when playing games and posting on forums. Consider using different nicknames to keep dedicated trolls from following you to multiple websites. Always remember that anything you put on the Internet can potentially be accessed forever. Even if you think a forum is private or you delete something, a hater can easily download or screenshot it for later use. Think before you post. Especially if you are a minor, be extremely careful what type of information you give out online. Don't post things that could tip a stalker off to your home address or typical daily schedule.

Tell someone if you feel threatened. If a hater goes from petty insults to direct threats, then simply ignoring them may not be enough. If this happens to you, tell someone you trust. If you're a minor, be sure to tell a parent or guardian. Don't delete anything. Although you may be tempted to make these hurtful words disappear, it's better keep them. Save all emails, messages, and chat logs. Certain types of cyberbullying are illegal. If things escalate to where authorities need to get involved, you will need to have proof of what happened.

Take criticism gracefully. If you run a business, you are likely to get some negative reviews online. The anonymity of the Internet can encourage disgruntled people to speak much more harshly than they would to your face. Don't let their words destroy your confidence, but do consider them carefully. Just because something is said in a negative way doesn't mean it's wrong. It's better to think of this type of "hater" as a harsh critic instead. The same thing goes if you are a writer or artist and post your work online. Nasty comments like these are distinct from harassment and should be dealt with very differently. Try reaching out to critics with personalized comments. Be empathetic, logical, and polite. Offer solutions. Try not to respond out of anger with poorly-thought-out words. Consider not engaging at all. It's hard to please everyone, and it's hard to meaningfully connect with someone over a comment board. This is especially true when a person has a habit of making hateful remarks. This is the nature of having an online presence. Some people may hate you for the very things that others love.

Staying Grounded

Maintain perspective. These haters may be incredibly annoying right now, and they may even be making your life miserable, but think about how much that really matters. Odds are that before you know it, you'll be in a completely different headspace. Life is change, by its very nature. Do not let these haters dominate your life when they can be a minor unpleasant aspect of it.

Remember that the experience is temporary. Think about how long you'll have to deal with these haters. Imagine yourself in five years. Consider where you want to go and what you want to do. Ask yourself whether these haters will still be a part of your life then. Odds are, you know your haters through school. There's a good chance that, after a few years, you'll never have to see these haters again. Persevere until then. If these haters will still be a part of your life in five years, ask yourself what you can do to change that. Can you change schools? Can you change yourself? Can you confront them now and take care of the problem? If the haters will not be a part of your life in five years, think about why. Perhaps you're going away to college, or you're switching to a different job, or you're shifting your social circle. Is there any way you can make this transition happen sooner?

Forgive the haters. Understand that hatred reflects back upon the one who spreads it. These people are likely not hating on you because of any wrongness or deficiency on your part. Odds are that on some level, they are uncomfortable with their own identities. Some people even act hatefully because they are jealous, or because they don't stop to think about how their words impact others. Find the empathy to open your heart. If you forgive your haters, you may find that their words no longer bother you. Try to understand where they're coming from. Expand your awareness beyond your own experience and your own insecurities. Do not mistake belittlement for forgiveness. Avoid telling yourself that these haters are just stupid, or petty, or small-minded even if these things are true. Remind yourself that even haters are human beings with their own thoughts and feelings.