- Signs you may be adopted include not looking like your biological parents and not having photos of you as a newborn, or of your mother when she was pregnant with you.
- Ask your parents if you were adopted if you’re comfortable doing so. Give them time to admit the truth, and encourage them to be honest with you.
- Search public records for your original birth certificate, or join an adoption registry to find your birth parents. Use DNA testing to learn about your background and find relatives.
Signs You May Be Adopted
There are no photos of you as a newborn or with your parents. If your family doesn't have any photos of your mother while she was pregnant, photos or mementos from your birth, or pictures of you with your parents as a newborn, it may be because you were adopted. Check family photo albums from the year were born. Your biological mom should appear visibly pregnant in any photos taken 3-4 months before she gave birth. Look for hospital bracelets, paperwork, cards, or other items from the hospital where you were delivered. You might also find cards, decorations, or other items from the baby shower, if she had one.
You don’t resemble your parents, siblings, or other relatives. Family resemblance is normal among biological relatives, though height, hair color, eye color, complexion, and other traits may vary within a family. If you don't look like anyone in your family, it may make you feel like you could have been adopted. Children often appear to be of a similar ethnic or racial ancestry as their biological parents. However, these physical distinctions aren’t always cut and dry, especially for children born to multi-racial or multi-ethnic families. You may also have different preferences, characteristics, or tendencies than the rest of the people in your family.
Your parents treat you differently than your siblings. Maybe they’re extra kind to you, or go out of the way for you more than their other children. On the other hand, they might be more distant and less affectionate. Maybe your siblings notice it too. Whatever the case, you can’t escape the feeling that your parents feel differently about you, and you suspect it could be because you’re not their biological child. Your other relatives—aunts, uncles, grandparents—might also treat you differently.
You feel like an outsider in your family. If you've always felt like you didn't belong in your own family, it may point to an adoption. You may feel emotionally disconnected from them, or that you have very different interests or personality traits. Feeling “different” can be lonely and isolating, and can leave you questioning your place in the family. You might even worry about being abandoned by your family, even if they’ve never given you a reason to believe they’d do so.
You suspect your family is keeping a secret. You might notice odd family dynamics, such as your parents changing the subject whenever someone talks about your childhood. They may avoid answering questions about where you were born, where they lived when you were a baby, or why you’re the only person in your family with a certain hair color. Other relatives may also be keeping a secret. For instance, your grandparents may give conflicting answers when you ask them about their earliest memories of you.
A relative mentions something that suggests you were adopted. A friend of the family or even one of your family members might make a comment that makes you suspicious about your parentage. For instance, they might reference family traits that you don't have, or even make a more direct reference to not being biologically related.
You find documents or records suggesting you were adopted. Paperwork that points to your parents not being biologically related to you could be a sign that you were adopted. Your birth certificate may have been amended to provide you with a new name and new parents. Your family may also have court papers authorizing the adoption. You could even find personal letters, notes, cards, medical records, or other documents that mention your adoption, your parent’s desire to adopt children, or their inability to conceive biological children. Your birth certificate may have an unusual location, such as a city or hospital far away from where your family was living at the time.
Asking Your Family If You’re Adopted
Ask your parents directly if you’re comfortable doing so. Do this if you believe your parents will be upfront with you. Approach them privately, in person, and away from your siblings and other relatives. This gives them an opportunity to respond without being watched or judged by others. If you’re not sure how to approach the topic, try one of the following: “I love you both, and I have an important question to ask you. Was I adopted?” Assure them that you care about them, but you simply want to know the truth. “You probably know what I’m doing to ask, but I really need to know. Am I adopted?” Opt for this approach if you suspect they’re anticipating the question. “I think I know the answer, but it would mean so much to hear it from you. Was I adopted?” Use this if you’re certain that you’re adopted and want them to confirm it. Don’t fret if your parents don’t answer you right away, or if they deny it at first. Give them a day or two to reflect on your question, then ask them again.
Ask general questions about where you came from to be less direct. Choose this approach if you’re not comfortable asking your family about adoption, directly. Ask questions about when you were born, when your family brought you home, and how happy they were to have another child. Ask one or two questions at a time to get a conversation started. Use one or more of the following if you’re not sure where to start: “What was it like the day I was born?” Add “I don’t think we’ve talked about it before” or “I'd love to hear about it” to emphasize your curiosity. “Was it exciting to bring me home from the hospital?” Follow up with questions like “How long did the doctors keep you?” or “How long did mom have to stay in the hospital before I came home?” Encourage them to be more detailed if they give vague answers, but avoid expressing suspicion. Instead, express your sincere interest by saying “I just want to know where I come from. It would mean a lot to me.”
Emphasize that you love them, whether you’re adopted or not. Parents of adopted children may worry that their children feel ashamed or unloved. Assure them that this isn’t the case. Explain that you know they love you too, and make it clear that knowing the truth would help feel even closer to them. You can say: “I love you both, no matter what. And I know you love me just as much.” “I know you and being adopted wouldn’t change that. But knowing the truth would mean so much.” “You’re my parents. Nothing will ever change that.”
Encourage them to be honest. Admitting a secret isn’t easy, even when it’s necessary. Explain to your parents that you want them to be honest. Tell them that they don’t need to keep the truth from you and that you won’t hold their answer against them. Persuade them with some of these statements: “Please don’t worry. You can be honest.” “I know this must be hard, but your honesty is important to me.” “You can tell the truth. I promise I won’t judge you or be angry.”
Give them time to come clean if they don’t admit the truth right away. Your family may not acknowledge that you were adopted in the first conversation—or even after several conversations. Give them a chance to confront their own feelings and worries. Keep the conversation ongoing by raising the subject periodically, if you’re comfortable doing so. Talk to other relatives in the meantime if you’re able to do so. Reach out to aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, or even your siblings, if you have any. Ask them the same questions. If your family continues to insist that you’re not adopted, consider whether they might be telling the truth. If you’re convinced that they’re being dishonest, try some of the options in the following steps, such as searching public records or obtaining a DNA test.
Searching Public Records for Evidence that You’re Adopted
Obtain your original birth certificate or petition to have it unsealed. Your original birth certificate displays your original name and the names of your biological parents. To obtain your original birth certificate, contact the county clerk in the county or parish in the state where you were born. They’ll explain the procedures, including paperwork and fees. You must be at least 18 or 21 to do this, depending on the state. Each state has additional laws regarding who can access an original birth certificate: States with open adoption records allow all adult adoptees to obtain their original birth certificates. These include: Alabama, Alaska, Arkansas, Colorado, Hawaii, Indiana, Kansas, Maine, Missouri, New Hampshire, New Jersey, New York, Oregon, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island, and South Carolina. States with restricted/partial access may redact identifying information, such as the names of your biological parents, but this can still confirm that you’re adopted. These states include: Connecticut, Delaware, Illinois, Massachusetts, Montana, Ohio, Oklahoma, Tennessee, Vermont, and Washington. States with sealed adoption records require adoptees to petition a court for permission to view their original birth certificate. These states include: Arizona, California, Florida, Georgia, Idaho, Iowa, Kentucky, Louisiana, Maryland, Michigan, Minnesota, Mississippi, Nebraska, Nevada, New Mexico, North Carolina, North Dakota, South Dakota, Texas, Utah, Virginia, West Virginia, Wisconsin, and Wyoming. To petition to have your original birth certificate unsealed, contact the county clerk’s office and request to submit a petition. You will meet with a judge on an appointed court date. Explain why you wish to obtain your birth certificate—in most cases, you’ll need a special reason, such as wanting medical information for hereditary illnesses. The judge will grant or deny the request. If you’re denied, ask to have a confidential intermediary provide you with the information on the birth certificate, or have them contact your biological parents to obtain authorization to unseal the document. If your biological parents are deceased, the birth certificate may be released to you automatically.
Join an adoption registry for biological parents searching for their children. Adoption registries allow adult adoptees and biological parents to find each other. Both parties must submit their information to the registry, including names, the adoptee's date and city of birth, and other identifying details. If there’s a match, both parties can provide the other with their contact information and reconnect. Many states, such as New York and New Jersey, have official adoption registries online. Check the website for the state you were born in to confirm whether there is an official state-run adoption registry. Create an account on Registry.Adoption.com, a large, privately-run adoption registry. Visit ChildWelfare.Gov for a list of nonprofit organizations that work to reunite adopted children with their birth families.
Using DNA Tests to Prove Adoption and Find Biological Relatives
Obtain DNA tests for you and a parent or sibling. This will prove beyond any doubt whether you’re related or adopted. If your parents won’t agree to it, or you’re afraid to ask, consider asking a sibling who you trust. Use an at-home DNA paternity test for parents, or a DNA sibling test for siblings—or ask your doctor for bloodwork to compare your DNA. If you use an at-home DNA test, be sure to use the correct type of test for the person you’re comparing DNA with.
Use a DNA testing service to learn if your ancestry matches your family’s. Submit a DNA sample to 23andMe or Ancestry.com to have your genes sequenced. The results will detail your ethnic and racial heritage, including regions of the world where your ancestors came from. If this information doesn’t match your family’s history, it may indicate that you’re adopted. For example, if your family is of mostly Irish ancestry, but your results say you have 0% Irish ancestry, you may not be biologically related to them. Remember that many people have ancestors from all over the world. For instance, you may discover that you’re of 5% Chinese ancestry, despite appearing Caucasian and not having any known ancestors from China. This would not necessarily prove that you’re adopted.
Use DNA testing to find biological relatives. Services like 23andMe or Ancestry.com allow users to locate living relatives with similar DNA profiles. These relatives may be distant cousins, long-lost siblings, or even birth parents. While it’s not guaranteed that you’ll find biological relatives this way, it could help you build a clearer picture of your roots. Ancestry.com’s AncestryDNA + World Explorer Membership option searches for DNA matches in the USA and internationally. All 23andMe options allow you to find biological relatives.
Personal Adoption Stories
Read adoptees' stories for a personal perspective. Learning that you were adopted can be a difficult and emotional experience, but you're not alone. Read through these personal narratives to hear other adoptees' experiences and perspectives, how they navigated their own challenges, and even found their birth families. Michelle Riess's personal story Anuhya's personal story from Adoption & Beyond Adoptee Testimonials from American Adoptions Adoptee stories from Quora
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