How to Have a Long and Happy Relationship

Starting Your Relationship Right

Understand your needs and wants. Understanding your own emotional and physical needs before you enter a relationship is important because you will need to be able to communicate these needs to your significant other if you want to have a successful relationship. You might already have a clear idea of what you need and want in a relationship, but if you’re unsure, you can think about these questions. Reflect on past relationships to gain insight into why those relationships did or did not work. What can these experiences tell you about your needs? Think about how you react to people and events. For example, do you tend to react emotionally, find it hard to trust someone, or find it difficult to express your feelings? It can be helpful to be aware of these personality traits before you enter a serious relationship.

Make sure you are in a relationship for healthy rather than unhealthy reasons. Keep these guidelines in mind: Healthy reasons for being in a relationship include: a desire to share love, intimacy, and companionship; wanting to experience personal growth; providing emotional and physical support to each other; and hoping to create a family. It’s important to note that these motivations focus not just on receiving love and support, but also providing it for your significant other. Unhealthy reasons for being in a relationship include: having a fear of being alone, being afraid of breaking up, and not wanting to lose your connection to your significant other’s friends or family. Using your significant other for security, sex, money, or to get revenge on an ex are also very unhealthy reasons for being in a relationship. If you enter and remain in a relationship for these reasons, you and your significant other will have a hard time developing a long and happy relationship, and you could both be seriously hurt in the process.

Choose your partner wisely. If you are hoping to develop a happy, long-term relationship, you need to choose your significant other carefully. It’s a common perception that opposites attract, but researchers have found that individuals who share some common goals, interests, and expectations often have more satisfying relationships. Your personality traits don’t have to be the same, but if you each want different things from the relationship you will have a hard time making it last. Think about whether your differences complement each other. For example, someone who is more impulsive might balance someone who is more of a planner.

Be realistic. Entering a relationship expecting there to be no difficult times or challenges is unrealistic. The early passion and the sense of infatuation you feel might fade, but with time and effort, you can build a deeper and more meaningful relationship.

Don’t try to change your significant other. While you might be able to persuade your significant other to pick up dirty laundry or walk the dog, thinking that you will be able to seriously change his personality, views, or behavior can set up your relationship for failure. In particular, experts suggest that you will not be able to change these personality traits or ideas: Ideas about religion. Your significant other’s views on having children. Their temper and the way they act when angry. Whether the person is introverted or extroverted. Your significant other’s interests, activities, and hobbies. Your significant other’s relationship with their family.

Build friendship. If you are hoping for a long and happy relationship, concentrate on building friendship with your significant other. Experts have found that couples who are friends are happier and more likely to stick together. If you don’t want to spend time together, your relationship won’t be very successful. Take time to explore each other's interests and hobbies. It might initially seem like a sacrifice to do something you don't want to, but your significant other will appreciate your effort and be more willing to do something you enjoy next time. You will also feel more connected to them and be able to better understand her personality, desires, and needs. Try to identify your common interests and pursue these together. For example, if you both enjoy the outdoors, go on a camping trip together.

Don’t feel like you have to do everything together. Couples sometimes feel like they need to pursue every activity together, but this can make you and your significant other feel claustrophobic. Don’t stop spending time with friends or family. Keep up the hobbies you had before you entered the relationship.

Be generous with one another. People who are generous are willing to put other people’s thoughts, feelings, and interests above their own. Researchers have found that when significant others are generous with each other, they are better able to create a lasting partnership. Share what you have. This might be something as simple as being willing to split a dessert or something more significant such as your resources and time. Don’t be generous to get something in return. People exhibiting true generosity aren’t doing it because they want something from another person. For example, don’t give an elaborate gift because you expect to receive one in return.

Don’t feel rushed. People entering into relationships may feel rushed to get to a more advanced stage in their relationship by being intimate quickly, by moving in with each other, or getting married soon after meeting each other. While it can be exciting to think about the happy ending you hope to have and rush to meet it, taking the time to make sure both you and your significant other are on the same page about your relationship will only solidify it. You’ll both be more confident and happy in the relationship if you don’t feel pressured or forced into something quickly. The better you know each other and the more you develop your relationship, the more likely it will be to succeed.

Maintaining a Long and Happy Relationship

Expect your relationship to change. Just as you and your significant other might change over time, your relationship will also evolve. Instead of trying to keep your relationship the same, embrace and appreciate the changes that come with building a more established and long-term relationship. Some people worry about not feeling the same level of infatuation or passion they did in the early days of their relationship, but this is normal. You may have less opportunity for intimacy as your relationship matures with the pressures of work, family, and other commitments. Research suggests, however, that people in committed relationships report they have a more satisfying physical and emotional relationship with their significant other. Instead of worrying about the negative aspects of a more established relationship, think about the positive ways in which your relationship has developed. For example, do you feel your connection with your significant other is deeper? Are you more confident and trusting than you were when you first entered the relationship? What kind of experiences and challenges have you and your partner gone through together?

Agree to invest time, energy, and effort into your relationship. Cultivating a long and happy relationship requires both individuals to invest time, energy, and effort. Instead of thinking about maintaining a relationship as “hard work,” think of it as developing and deepening the connection you and your partner share. While this will sometimes mean confronting challenges, there will also be many enjoyable times, special moments, and exciting opportunities. Even if your relationship seems like hard work sometimes, focus on the returns you will receive from your investment.

Treat each other with respect. Treating each other with respect will help you and your significant other build and maintain a long-lasting and happy relationship. Here are some effective ways to demonstrate that you respect your significant other: Treat your significant other as you would like to be treated. Be thoughtful and courteous by seeking each other’s opinion and input on important matters, such as parenting, and even about everyday topics such as what you will have for dinner. Consult each other before making plans. Ask about the other person’s work, interests, activities, and feelings. Avoid name-calling or any language and behavior that demeans the other person in the relationship. Sarcasm, nitpicking, and nagging might seem minor, but they can hurt your significant other and make them feel defensive and even hostile.

Demonstrate how much your significant other means to you. Many couples pay special attention to birthdays and anniversaries, but expressing and demonstrating your appreciation for the things your significant other does every day will help you establish a strong and happy relationship. You don’t have to spend money to show you care. Try doing something helpful or thoughtful without prompting. For example, take the trash out or offer to make dinner. Tell your significant other why they are important to you. When your significant other does something nice for you, acknowledge it and say thank you. If you want your significant other to be more appreciative and considerate, then model the same behavior. You can lead by example.

Communicate with your significant other. Poor communication can prevent you and your significant other from having a long and happy relationship. Effective communication will help make sure you and your significant other are on the same page and that you trust each other. Check in regularly with your significant other, and spend time each day discussing more personal, relationship topics rather than just talking about parenting, work, or household chores. Communication isn’t always about talking. It’s also about listening carefully to what the other person has to say. Avoid interrupting each other or talking over one another. When your significant other shares their feelings, acknowledge that you heard them by summarizing what they said. You can start out by saying, “So what I’m hearing or understanding is that. . .” Even if you don’t agree with what the person is saying, this strategy demonstrates that you are paying attention, and it will help you empathize with your significant other. It also usually prevents people from feeling defensive. Face-to-face communication, especially about your relationship, is often more effective than phone calls, texts, or emails. When you can look a person in the eye, observe their body language, and see their reactions, you will be better able to respond to the situation and address any concerns.

Be honest. Couples who are honest with each other are more likely to enjoy a long-lasting and happy relationship. The mistrust that often results from dishonesty can seriously endanger your relationship. Rather than risk losing trust, be honest and let your significant other know about your feelings and concerns. Even if the conversation is uncomfortable and hard, trying to regain their trust after being dishonest will be even more difficult. While honesty is essential to a successful relationship, brutal honesty can be hurtful. Try to be kind and sensitive when you convey your concerns or share unpleasant news. If you are rude and insensitive, your message won’t be well-received and you and your significant other will find it even harder to communicate.

Realize that you and your partner might express love differently. People demonstrate affection and love differently, and realizing this can help you establish a happier and healthier relationship. Be sensitive to each other’s needs by asking what you both can do to demonstrate love and support. Once you both know what the other person needs, you can make a conscious effort to express your feelings for each other.

Celebrate your differences. Instead of thinking about how much something your partner does irritates you or is different from how you would approach something, try to appreciate your differences. Think about how your differences complement each other and contribute to your relationship. For example, if you are more serious and your partner is more lighthearted, think about how you help balance each other out. Does your significant other force you not to take things too seriously, and are you able to help her focus on the important things? People often find that a personality trait or habit that is sometimes irritating is also one that initially attracted you to your significant other.

Spend quality time together. Oftentimes in more established relationships, people become busy and it can be easy to overlook the importance of sharing quality time with your significant other. Regularly spending time together without interruptions from kids, pets, parents, or work, will help you connect and bond with your significant other. Instead of just watching television or a movie, choose an activity where you interact with each other. You can plan a weekend trip, take a cooking class together, walk around a park, or have dinner together. Many couples find it helpful to schedule regular “date nights.” Plan what you will do together, or alternate so that you plan activities one week while your partner plans them the following week. Make sure you choose different activities so your date nights don’t become too much like a routine.

Make time for yourself. While spending quality time together is essential, making time for yourself will also help you maintain a long and happy relationship. Anyone can grate on each other’s nerves after a while, and spending a little time away or making time for yourself often helps you appreciate your significant other even more. Pursue separate interests and activities. You’ll feel independent, but also happier and refreshed when you return.

Laugh with your significant other. Challenges are inevitable in a relationship, but your ability to maintain a sense of humor and laugh with your significant other will help you both overcome difficulties. Try reminiscing about a shared experience or go to a place like an amusement park or comedy club where there is lots of laughter. Focus on laughing together rather than at each other, which can make the experience negative and prevent you from bonding with your partner.

Don’t allow others to interfere in your relationship. Unhappy in-laws, overbearing parents, and bossy friends can all wreak havoc on the relationship you and your significant other are building. Work with your significant other to keep negative interference to a minimum. You don’t need to cut these people out of your life, but don’t tolerate anyone who refuses to be supportive or who is negatively affecting your relationship. If you or your significant other have concerns about someone intervening in your relationship, talk about it openly and honestly. Work together to brainstorm about potential solutions. For example, if your in-laws insist on coming for Christmas every year, you and your significant other can plan a trip and enjoy some time away from family pressures. You can listen and respond to concerns people may have about your relationship, but you can also politely and calmly explain how their involvement is negatively affecting you and your significant other. An exception to this guideline is if you are in a relationship that is abusive or if there is validity to their concerns. In these cases, don’t isolate yourself or dismiss the people who want to help and support you.

Resolving Problems

Don’t try to win an argument. Oftentimes people enter an argument feeling like they need to “win,” and prove they are “right.” This attitude, however, seriously limits your ability to work through the issue or problem you’re disagreeing about. If you are determined to “win” an argument, you are showing your partner that you don’t really care about his thoughts and feelings. This behavior makes the relationship more adversarial and will shut down lines of communication. This attitude also suggests the argument is more about feeling dominant and justified than resolving any underlying problems that started the argument. Trying to defeat your partner won’t help you establish a long and happy relationship. People on the “losing” end of an argument often feel the need to retaliate, react, and respond and it is likely you won't walk away feeling pleased with the end result.

Fight fair. Just like entering an argument with the attitude that you will “win” it is detrimental to a relationship, so is using unfair tactics in an argument with your significant other. Yelling, giving the silent treatment, placing blame, and intentionally making comments you know will hurt your partner are destructive tactics that will not resolve any relationship problems. You can articulate that you are upset and frustrated without resorting to these unfair tactics. For example, instead of placing blame or making accusations, focus on how you are feeling, and be as specific as possible. Rather than emphasizing, “You did this to me,” explain what you feel hurt by or upset about. Resorting to accusations often makes the other person defensive and they won’t want to invest time in listening to your concerns. Don’t use words such as “never,” and “always,” because these expressions are rarely accurate and often increase tension. If these behaviors emerge during an argument, take a break from the discussion and return to it when you and your partner are feeling more calm. Go for a walk, take a few deep breaths, write in a journal, or play with your children. You’ll have your emotions more in check when you return to the discussion with your significant other.

Focus on one problem at a time and be specific. It’s often tempting in an argument to throw other issues into the mix, and pile on complaints. This approach, however, will make your problems seem overwhelming and limit your ability to resolve any of them. Concentrate on what the specific issue or problem is so you’re able to tackle it without things getting more complicated and negative.

Admit when you make a mistake. It’s normal to make mistakes in a relationship, but refusing to admit you may have done something wrong or hurt someone will not help you maintain a long and happy relationship. To resolve problems that may arise and to build confidence and trust in your relationship, both individuals should be able to acknowledge when they make a mistake. If your significant other has a concern or issue, consider it carefully. Since they probably know you better than anyone, there’s a good chance their concern is valid. Ask them for specific suggestions on how to prevent this from happening in the future. If you can accept your own mistakes, your significant other will be more willing to acknowledge their mistakes.

Try to forgive. Holding grudges and refusing to let go of past hurts will make both you and your significant other unhappy. While it can be challenging to learn to forgive, it will result in a longer-lasting, healthy relationship. It can be helpful to reconsider why you felt hurt in the first place. Ask yourself if what happened is as significant as you felt at the time, and be willing to acknowledge that something you said or did may have played a role in the situation. Ask yourself if something in your past may be causing you to hold on to a grudge. Think about the benefits you might gain from forgiveness. Holding on to negative feelings will make you upset, anxious, and stressed, and forgiving someone will probably make you feel better. If you keep bringing up things that hurt you in the past, both you and your significant other can feel overwhelmed and hopeless about the future of your relationship.

Accept that you may not resolve every relationship issue. Although you might feel like you and your partner need to resolve every issue that arises in your relationship, this isn’t necessarily realistic in the long term. People can have a long and happy relationship while still disagreeing with each other. Sometimes what we identify as issues in the relationship aren’t the major problems we initially think they are. Try to gain some perspective on the situation by asking yourself if the issue is really a deal breaker and needs a clear resolution. Successful couples will be able to compromise, adapt, and acknowledge when something isn’t worth jeopardizing a relationship over.

Know when to ask for help. If you are having trouble resolving a situation with your significant other or communicating about your relationship, don’t hesitate to seek help from a couples therapist, relationship counselor, or other mental-health professional. Waiting until the issue becomes serious and threatens your relationship will only make it harder to resolve. It can be helpful to have someone who is objective and experienced in dealing with relationship issues mediate or facilitate the discussion.