Writing Good Responses
Send short, concise responses to their messages. When you're excited about a match, it’s normal to want to share a lot of information. However, this might feel overwhelming to the other person, regardless of whether you are starting the conversation for the first time or just trying to keep a recently-started conversation going. Try to share 1 bit of information or ask 1 question in each response. Additionally, cut out any unnecessary details. For instance, let’s say they ask you, “What did you do last weekend?” Don’t type out a whole paragraph describing every detail. Instead, write something like, “I spent Saturday at the beach, then got margaritas with my friend. Sunday I took my dog to the park. How about you?”Tip: Read over your response and look for words you can eliminate. If you can say something using fewer words, revise your response to shorten it.
Keep your responses positive because negativity can be a turn off. It's normal to have bad days, and sometimes you just need to vent. However, it's too soon to talk about your problems with your Tinder match. Instead, focus on positive topics or put a positive spin on your day. This helps keep the conversation engaging and upbeat. For instance, say something like, “Today was super busy, but I feel like I accomplished a lot” rather than “Today was so draining." Similarly, avoid saying things like, "I feel like I have no one to talk to," "I'm worried that I'm never going to find the one," or "Right now I'm working in marketing, but I hate it."
Share information about yourself in between asking questions. It’s good to ask your match questions because it shows them you’re interested. However, it might feel like an interrogation if you bombard them with questions. Instead, answer their questions with personal details about yourself. If they aren’t asking questions, give your own response to the questions they ask before asking another question. They might ask, “What music have you been listening to lately?” Say something like, “I'm really into new music, so I mostly listen to Pandora to sample recent releases. What about you?” Let’s say you asked them, “What was your favorite part about today?” They might reply, “I really enjoyed lunch because I met my friend at a local cafe.” Don’t immediately ask another question. You might say, “That sounds like a great time. My best moment was closing a sale with a new client.”
Include enough detail in your response for them to build off of it. While it's important to be concise, make sure you give enough details to keep the conversation going. Provide a detail that they can follow-up on, ask them a question, or introduce a new topic. This helps them think of what to say next. For instance, instead of saying, "I like comedies," you might say, "I like comedies that have dark humor, like Burn After Reading or Horrible Bosses. What about you?" Similarly, don't just say, "I have a cat." Say, "I have a cat named Cacticus Finch. I got him when I was in college and wanted to impress the other English majors."
Try to make them laugh with a joke or a funny story. Humor is a great way to impress your match! Don’t worry about making good jokes. Use silly jokes that you find on the Internet, make jokes about yourself, or tell a silly story about your past. You might say, “What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? It said, ‘Dam!’” You could tell a brief story like, “Last week I went to do karaoke with my friend but they mixed up the songs. I was trying to sing “Rainbow” but they played the Beastie Boys. I’m pretty sure my friend is ghosting me now, lol.”
Finding Interesting Topics
Bring up something you saw in their profile. Your match worked really hard on their profile, so they’re hoping you read it well. Look for interesting details on their profile or things you have in common. Then, ask them a question about it or mention why you have it in common. Say, “What was the last trail you hiked?” "I see you go to a lot of concerts. Who have you seen recently?" or “I also like Harry Potter. Which book is your favorite?” You might also say, "I work in the medical field, too. What got you interested in it?"
Talk about something they mentioned in an earlier message. If you’ve sent a couple of messages but the conversation is fizzling, read over what’s already been said. Then, build off of their prior comments. This shows them that you’re paying attention, so they’re more likely to respond. For instance, they might have said, “Today has been hectic because I had to take my cat for an emergency vet visit.” You might send a message saying, “How’s your cat recovering after the vet visit yesterday?” Similarly, let's say your match talked about a big presentation at work. You might say, "Wasn't your presentation today? How did it go?"
Ask open-ended questions so they give longer answers. Open-ended questions require more than just a “yes” or “no” answer, so they open up the conversation to more topics. Plus, they help you get to know the other person better. Do your best to only ask questions that are open-ended, then follow-up on their response. For instance, “Have you seen any movies lately?” is a yes-or-no question. On the other hand, “What are the last 3 movies you saw?” is open-ended. If they said, “I just saw the latest superhero movie,” you could follow up with, “Do you consider yourself a Marvel or DC person and why?”Tip: Avoid yes-or-no questions because they can shut down the conversation. Try to ask questions that require them to give more than a 1-word answer.
Focus on topics that help you learn about each other. Try to avoid mundane questions like "How was your day?" or "How's it going?" These questions can feel boring to the person you're talking to and don't move the conversation along. Instead, ask questions that will reveal personal details or opinions. This helps you both learn more about each other so you can create a connection. Ask something like, "What would you title a movie about your life?" "Which movie would you choose if you had to watch the same movie every day for a week?" "What 5 books would you take with you to a deserted island?" or "What would you do on a dream vacation?"
Discuss what you both want in a relationship. You’re on Tinder to find a potential romantic partner, so it makes sense to talk about what you both want. Be honest about your intentions up front and what you expect from them. Then, ask them what they’re looking for. You might say, “I’m looking for a long-term relationship, but I want to take things slow. How about you?” or “Right now I’m exploring my options. I’m hoping we can have some fun and see if this goes anywhere.”
Avoiding Common Pitfalls
Wait to make sex comments so you don’t seem creepy. It’s understandable that you’d want to make sexual advances toward your Tinder matches. However, getting sexual too early in the conversation can be a turn-off. Instead, focus on getting to know them. For instance, don’t say things like, “It sounds like you’d be fun in the bedroom,” or “I hope I get to see what’s under that outfit.” Additionally, avoid comments like, “You look so sexy in that picture where you’re dressed up.”
Don’t dominate the conversation by talking about yourself. While it’s important to let them get to know you, they might get bored if you keep talking about yourself. Make sure your conversation is balanced between the both of you. For every personal detail you provide, ask them a question about themself. Try not to get too much into your backstory, the problems in your life, or your hopes for the future. This is information that you’ll share later as you’re getting to know each other in your first few dates.
Be careful with compliments until you get to know each other better. While it’s really nice to compliment people, doing it too soon can be a big turn-off for some people. At first, compliment them on the things that they do or accomplishments they’ve shared with you. Don’t compliment their looks until after you’ve met. For instance, “Your smile is so pretty” might creep out some people. However, you could say, “Your job sounds really interesting!”
Avoid using emojis until you get to know each other better. You probably want to use emojis to flirt or make your message more interesting. However, they don't add anything to the conversation and can be a big turn-off for some people. Additionally, it's possible that your Tinder match will interpret them in a different way than you intended. Don't use emojis when you're first starting to get to know someone. For example, you might want to include a heart-eyes emoji to indicate that your match said something you like. However, they might interpret that as you trying to be suggestive. Similarly, they might think that you use emojis because you don't have much to say.
Going Beyond the App
Ask them for their number so you can transfer to texting. Once you’ve sent at least 10 messages back and forth, it’s the right time to take your conversation to text. Give them your phone number and ask for theirs. Say, “Would you be interested in continuing this conversation over text? My phone number is 555-5555. What’s yours?”Variation: You can ask them for a date before you take your conversation to text. It’s up to you!
Invite them to meet you for a low-key date within a week of chatting. It’s good to get to know someone a bit before you go on a date. However, they might think you aren’t that interested in them if you don’t ask about meeting in person soon after the chat starts. It’s okay to ask after about 10-15 messages between the 2 of you. Just be sure to ask within a week of starting the conversation. Say, “I’m really enjoying this conversation. Can we continue it over drinks one night this week?” You might also say, "We really seem to click. Would you be interested in meeting me this Friday at the gelato shop on Acorn Street?" EXPERT TIP Maria Avgitidis Maria Avgitidis Matchmaker & Dating Expert Maria Avgitidis is the CEO & Matchmaker of Agape Match, a matchmaking service based out of New York City. For over a decade, she has successfully combined four generations of family matchmaking tradition with modern relationship psychology and search techniques to ensure her professional clientele are introduced to their ultimate match. Maria and Agape Match have been featured in The New York Times, The Financial Times, Fast Company, CNN, Esquire, Elle, Reuters, Vice, and Thrillist. Maria Avgitidis Maria Avgitidis Matchmaker & Dating Expert Our Expert Agrees: Ask them whether they'd like to meet for drinks soon after you start chatting and see where it goes from there. The goal is to meet each other in person and get to know each other that way instead of only through online chatting.
Keep your chat going after you schedule your date. The conversation isn’t over just because you have plans to meet. Continue to message them to get to know them better. This shows them that you’re really interested in them as a potential partner. If you stop chatting with them, they might think that you’ve lost interest. Similarly, they might worry that you’re ghosting them.
Comments
0 comment