How to Respond to Bad News (With Love & Support)

Reacting to Bad News

Listen without interrupting them. Before you start thinking about replying, make sure that you actually focus on listening. Fully understanding the nature of the bad news is essential, as it will help you reply in a way that makes sense and expresses empathy. Make eye contact while you listen. This will help the other person know that you’re not focused elsewhere while they talk. If you don’t understand something, ask for clarification before you say anything.

Acknowledge the news. It’s important to indicate that you heard what they said, so offer up a simple acknowledgement. For rougher news, this also affirms the other person’s experience. If it’s relatively mundane bad news, like “I’m not feeling well and have to go see a doctor,” a simple “OK” can suffice. If it’s something more serious, acknowledge the news with a little more empathy. “That’s terrible, I’m so sorry,” for example.

Validate their feelings. Let them know that you respect their feelings and understand where they’re coming from. This way, they’ll feel more comfortable sharing their feelings with you in the future, as well. As Bosch puts it, “expressions of empath are about demonstrating that you understand where they're coming from … understand what they're feeling, what they're thinking, why they might be thinking and feeling that, sort of just validating their experience, whatever it is.” Phrases like “I completely understand where you’re coming from” and “I sympathize with what you’re going through” are phenomenal, straightforward options.

Offer an action or support. Let them know that you’re there for them by offering something. Either tell them you’ll do something (“I’ll be praying for you and your family”) or offer to do something (“Let me know if you need help babysitting or something”). This will make them feel supported without forcing them to do anything. Do not overstep your bounds by requiring them to oblige your offer or by saying you’ll do something that’s inappropriate for you (like offering to watch someone’s child when you’re their work supervisor).

Check in with them later. Give the other person plenty of space to deal with whatever is giving them trouble, but after a few days, consider checking in on the other person to see how they’re doing. Even if everything has been resolved, they’ll appreciate the gesture. You might reach out and say, “I just wanted to say I’ve been thinking of you. Is everything going okay?” or, “How are things going? I know you’ve been dealing with a lot, so I thought I’d pop in and see how you’re doing.”

Examples of What to Say

“That is a lot. Can I do anything to help?” Bosch says, “If they're having a hard time, how can you help?” This is a simple and straightforward way to let someone know you’re a resource in a time of need. Alternative phrasing: “That sounds like a lot. If you need help with anything, I’ve got you covered.”

“I don’t know what to say, but I’m here for you.” It’s okay to be honest and admit you don’t know exactly what to say. In fact, sometimes being real and authentic about not knowing what to say will mean more than any other kind of message. Alternative phrasing: “I really don’t know how to reply to that news. I’m so sorry. If you need anything at all, please don’t hesitate to let me know.”

“We’re going to get through this together; you aren’t alone.” If the news is something that implicates you, or this is a really close friend or family member, make it obvious that you’re going to be there. Alternative phrasing: “The two of us will figure this out. I’ll be there every step of the way to support you.”

“I’m so sorry that you’re dealing with this.” There’s nothing wrong with keeping it simple and straightforward. Bosch reminds us that “a lot of people want to shut down in grief. In our culture, there's not a lot of support for people to grieve that they kind of just expect you to buck up and move on, suck it up, be strong.” As a result, even simple messages of empathy can make a huge impact. Alternative phrasing: “I’m really sorry about what you‘re facing. It sounds like a big challenge, but I’m sure you can handle it.”

“Thank you for sharing this with me, I know that was hard.” Depending on the nature of your relationship, it’s possible the other person was nervous about sharing this news with you. If that’s the case, acknowledging this will likely be a huge comfort. Alternative phrasing: “I can imagine you were probably pretty nervous to come to me with this, and I really want you to know that I see that. It took a lot of bravery.”

“Don’t even think of apologizing, you’re totally fine.” If the bad news impacts you somehow, show them some grace if you can. Remember, they had to work up the courage to admit they’re potentially interfering with your life, so take it easy on them. Alternative phrasing: “It’s completely okay. I appreciate you being honest with me. I’m not going to hold anything against you.”

“I care about you and I’m not going anywhere.” Let the other person know they have your unbridled support while they deal with whatever is going on in their life. Alternative phrasing: “You know I love you. You’re going to get through this, and you’ll do it with my support.”

“I wish I could take the pain away for you.” This kind of earnest response will mean a lot depending on the nature of your relationship. Alternative phrasing: “If it were possible for me to switch places with you, I would in an instant.”

“If you need someone to talk to, I’m here.” Sometimes, the best thing you can do is just let a person know you’re a resource for them. Bosch says that this is sometimes the best thing you can do if someone shuts down when they’re grieving or upset, since it can be hard for people to open up without some space. Alternative phrasing: “Call me whenever you need something. Seriously, day or night. I’m here for you.”

“You know we’ve got your back, so don’t even sweat it.” Depending on the nature of the news, the other person might feel like this is a bigger deal than it actually is. Letting them know that may give them a breath of relief. Alternative phrasing: “I get that you feel like this is the end of the world, but it’s not. You’re going to get through this faster than you could imagine.”

Examples for Specific Scenarios

Cancelled plans Say that you had a dinner date or hangout session planned and someone texts you that they have to cancel because something came up. Here’s how you might respond: “No worries at all! We can totally reschedule for another day when you’re free.” “Ah, I was looking forward to hanging out, but I totally understand.” “Thanks for letting me know, I hope everything is okay!” “Life happens! No need to sweat it, we’ll figure out when to reschedule later.”

Health issues Imagine someone is breaking bad news to you: they’ve been diagnosed with a health condition. Alternatively, you might use a reply like this to respond to someone who is dealing with undiagnosed issues, or someone who is telling you about their recovery from an injury: “I’m really sorry you’re dealing with this. I can’t imagine how hard it is to have your world turned upside down like this.” “That really sucks. Let me know if you need help handling any smaller tasks that might be harder for you now.” “I’m sure you’ll be better in no time. There’s nothing that can keep you down for long!” “I can’t imagine how hard that must be. If you need anything at all, please let me know. I’ve got your back.”

Bad breakup If someone is telling you about a relationship that they were in and how it ended, you might respond with one of the following: “I’m really sorry you two couldn’t make it work. If you want to eat your feelings out, dinner is on me.” “You’ll be back on your feet in no time, but don’t feel bad about taking some time to mourn. I know you two were together for a long time.” “That just sucks. Really. I’m so sorry things didn’t work out.” “Who needs boys anyway?! Let’s go out this weekend. Just you, me, and the girls.”

Loss of a loved one In the event that someone is sharing news about a death, you might offer support by saying something like: “I’m heartbroken for you. I can’t imagine losing someone like that.” “I’m so sorry for your loss. I’ll be thinking of you and your family. Let me know if there’s anything you need.” “If there is anything I can do to make life even a little bit easier for you, please let me know. I know how important they were to you.” “That’s devastating. I’m so sorry. If you ever want to talk about it, I’ve got an ear for you to bend.”

Housing issue Say someone shares news about losing their apartment, a rent increase they can’t afford, or trouble finding a house to buy in today’s market. You might reply with something like: “I’m so sorry you’re struggling to find a place. You’re more than welcome to stay with me for a month if you need it.” “Is there anything I can do to help? I know how hard it is to feel like you’re being pushed out of your home.” “I can imagine how irritating this is. Have you spoken with a local housing attorney? I think the city offers free services for struggling renters.” “If you ”

Job struggles If a friend or family member is having trouble finding work, you might say something along the lines of: “I know it’s hard out there. You’ll find something soon. I believe in you!” “Yeah, I’ve been there, too. If you want someone to take a look at your resume, I’ve got you!” “I’m so sorry you’re struggling. I think my buddy is hiring at his place if you want me to put in a good word.” “Ah, that’s brutal. I know a lot of people are struggling out there, so you’re not alone.”

Money issues Say a friend or family member opens up about money issues they’re having. You might reply with: “Ugh, I know how scary that can be. Let me know if you need help taking care of little stuff, I’ll try to see what I can do.” “If you need some extra work, I know a friend who is looking for temporary workers.” “I’m so sorry you’re struggling. If you need help with bills, I’m always looking for help with yard work.” “I’ve been there. I know it’s scary right now, but you’ll definitely get through this.”

Phrases to Avoid (If Possible)

“When I was…” People who share bad news with you aren’t looking for stories. Unless they specifically ask you for guidance or they’re open to a personal story, it’s best to avoid making the interaction all about you.

“Look on the bright side…” People going through something difficult may want upbeat news or positivity, but telling them not to be sad is not going to help anything. Sympathy and empathy are key, which means that going out of your way to try and tell them they have reasons to be happy are going to come off the wrong way.

“Other people have it worse.” Even if it’s true, nobody ever felt better about their own difficult situation by hearing that other people are going through something worse. It just doesn’t register the way you want it to, so try to focus on the person’s feelings instead.

Final Thoughts

Listen, validate their feelings, and offer to be a resource. You aren’t going to solve every single problem a person has, but you can make things easier for them by responding to bad news with empathy, love, and support. As Bosch reminds us, “expressions of empathy” help calm someone down and “reset their nervous system.” If someone feels safe talking to you, you’ve done your job!