Noticing Strange Behaviors
Notice an immediate and persistent need to contact you. A stalker may begin to immediately reach out to you and contact you incessantly. This person may begin to call, text, email and visit you to a degree that feels invasive to you. If the contact feels outside of social norms and exceeds your comfort level, the behavior may be related to stalking. Perhaps the person reaches out to you over several social media platforms and “friends” you, then begins to text you non-stop. You may begin to feel uncomfortable.
Recognize someone who is clingy or keeping tabs on you. A person with stalker tendencies may insist you bring him or her to events, or to tag along to meetups with friends or family. The person may insist on knowing where you’re going or knowing your plans. You may begin to feel uneasy with someone always wanting to know your whereabouts or plans for the day. If someone insists on knowing what you do each day, this can be a red flag. There’s a difference between being interested in your life and becoming obsessed with your whereabouts. If you begin to date someone who shows these traits, reconsider seeing him or her again.
Be aware if they know more about you than you’ve told them. A stalker may have information about you that you have never provided. The person may research you and know information about you, your workplace, your friends, family members, and favorite places. They may know your route to and from work, what time you go to the gym, and any other patterns in your schedule. You may notice that the person slips up and says something you never told them. This can be a warning sign.
Identify social awkwardness. A stalker may not know the boundaries of acceptable social behavior. The person may be socially awkward, have little to no social awareness, and not “fit in” in groups. The stalker may have little awareness as to how people interact with others or make assumptions for how others see them. Often, the person has no or few personal relationships and has low self-esteem. Some people are simply awkward, not stalkers. If the person doesn't seem to obsess over you, isn't threatening, and doesn't seem attached to you in particular, then they probably just aren't good at socializing.
Consider how they respond to boundaries. Notice what happens if you politely set a boundary with them, such as "please don't talk to me when I'm working" or "please don't call after 9pm; I need this time to unwind alone." While regular people will respect this, a stalker will not. They may ignore your boundaries, try a different technique to invade your space (e.g. spying), or intimidate you so that you are afraid to set boundaries. Some socially awkward people, and people with developmental disabilities, have trouble reading body language. But, if you clearly ask them not to do something, they are capable of respecting that.
Be alert to unannounced visits. Someone with stalking tendencies may drop in and visit you unannounced. This is troubling if you tell someone you have plans and the person shows up without telling you first. Pay attention to this warning sign that the person is not attending to your boundaries or respecting your privacy. The person may act innocent enough, but pay attention to your own feelings. Do you feel uneasy or threatened, even just a little? Does the visit feel a bit aggressive or invasive to you? You might also notice that you bump into the person often when you are out. This may be because the person has memorized your schedule and knows where to find you throughout the day.
Recognize physically aggressive behavior. A stalker may want to have you all to themselves. If you begin to distance yourself, the person may become increasingly aggressive and intimidating. Any thoughts of you leaving can cause severe distress to the person and trigger feelings of abandonment. The person may get physically aggressive. This person may follow you closely or stand near you as if to say, “you cannot get away from me, even if you try.”
Watch out for other serious behaviors. Stalking can take many forms. If you feel that the behavior someone if showing you may be considered stalking, then seek help from your local authorities. Some other serious behaviors that you should report immediately include: Vandalizing your property. Sending things to you in the mail, such as pictures, letters, or other items. Driving by your house frequently. Making false police reports about you.
Respond to the stalking. If you believe you are being stalked, take some action. If someone is familiar to you and begins to feel threatening, clearly communicate on no uncertain terms that you wish to be left alone. Limit your social media usage and increase your security everywhere: change your house locks, lock your windows, change your phone number, and adjust your daily patterns. Avoid going places alone and tell your friends, family, coworkers, and neighbors about your situation and ask for their help in keeping you safe. Never confront your stalker alone. Always have someone - a friend, a family member, or an acquaintance - present with you. If necessary, alert the police.
Observing the Stalker’s Personal Traits
Recognize delusions. Many stalkers suffer from delusions. The delusions may be that you have something the person needs or wants, that you are this person’s one and only soulmate, or that you hold secrets that the person must know. The delusions may feed the stalking behavior, and the person will believe the delusions as true.
Identify intensity. Most stalkers come off as very intense people. When you first meet a stalker, you may notice that they maintain intense and enduring eye contact. This may feel flattering at first but can begin to feel threatening. This person may believe that the two of you hold a very strong bond or are meant to be together. This intensity may come out through a barrage of texts, frequent visits, or elaborate ways of getting your attention.
Notice obsessiveness. A stalker may have obsessive tendencies. They may not take no for an answer, and may show behaviors or have thinking that is highly fixated. This obsessiveness can be very off-putting for others, yet the person lacks awareness of how the behavior affects others. The person may become so fixated in thoughts and behaviors that the stalking behavior becomes central to their life. For example, a stalker may become obsessed with seeing you every day, or knowing what you will do next.
Pay attention to a need for control. Feeling in control feeds stalking behaviors. The more the person knows about you, the more they feel powerful or in control of or over you. Often, control is obtained by knowing as much information about you as possible. This is especially true regarding social media. A stalker may ask you about photos or events in very specific ways. If someone asks you multiple times about the person you were with in a photo or about a specific location of a post, this can be a red flag.
Be aware of grand gestures. Often, a stalker will believe that you are the only person they can love. This romanticism can quickly turn to obsession and stalking behavior. This person, who you are not romantically involved with, may seek you out or try to win you over by doing grand gestures to prove feelings of love. This can include buying you expensive things, traveling far distances to see you, or lavishly proposing to you.
Identifying a Stalker
Recognize common demographics. Some patterns have emerged regarding stalkers within the USA. Some things to look for include someone who is unemployed or underemployed, in the late 30s to 40s, and intelligent (often a high school and/or college graduate). Stalkers tend to be male but can also be female. Substance abuse and personality disorders are common in people who stalk.
Identify if it’s someone you know. Most often, people are stalked by someone they know. The most common stalker is an ex. This can be especially dangerous if the ex has a history of domestic violence. An ex may show up at your workplace and put you and other people in danger. Someone you know may know what places you frequent and threaten you there. If you have an ex you think may be dangerous, alert workplace security and provide a photo of the person. You may want to alert your coworkers to any potential danger by saying, “A dangerous person is trying to reach me. Please do not let the door open for this person.” Some people stalk for revenge and may be an ex-coworker, vindictive relative, or scorned friend.
Identify whether your stalker is a stranger. Being stalked by a stranger may be just as much a reason for concern as being stalked by someone you know, since it’s impossible to know the stranger's motives and whether the person is dangerous. Some common reasons a stranger may stalk you include if he or she lusts for you, agrees or disagrees with your political views, considers you a celebrity, or feels loved-scorned by you. If you suspect you are being stalked by a stranger, report this concern to the police.
Seek help to get rid of a stalker. If you are being stalked, then it is important for you to seek help as soon as possible. If not stopped, then stalking can escalate into a dangerous situation for you. Contact your local authorities as soon as possible to get help. If you feel like you are in immediate danger, then call emergency services right away.
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