Setting Limits and Curbing the Behavior
Give your child some privacy when at home. Everyone needs time alone, teens and young children included, and this kind of private time is when masturbation is generally appropriate. However, if they decide to masturbate right in front of you or in front of others, the behavior needs to be curtailed. With an increase in privacy, the inappropriate behavior may decrease. Ignore it at bedtime. If you catch them masturbating at bedtime or when they are alone in the bathroom, you should not punish them, and should just leave them be instead. Remember that masturbation does not necessarily mean that your child will become sexually active with another person soon. It is just a sign of personal body discovery. Until inappropriate behavior in front of others has been addressed, provide your child with some privacy at home, but continue to supervise them in front of other children.
Distract your child. When you are in public, you might not want to address the behavior directly as this will call even more attention to it. However, you can distract your child to snap them out of it and shift their focus to something more appropriate. If they are younger, you might use a game to do so. For example, you could play "I Spy." If they are older, then you can ask them a question or ask them to do you a favor, such as: “Can you go get me a few napkins, please?" If this doesn't work, say "Please stop that" and then redirect them.
Provide them with a security object to take in public. Providing a younger child with a blanket or stuffed animal can be a great way to occupy their mind and their hands to distract them from masturbation. This can also help to soothe children who are anxious or who have any developmental disabilities. If this is an older child, consider a fidget toy, such as a fidget box, fidget spinner, or even a piece of clay.
Send them to their rooms. If you are close to your home, you might want to send your child to their rooms so that they can be alone and have their privacy. Perhaps you are at a neighbor’s home with your child and they are old enough to walk home on their own. If so, send them home and have a conversation afterwards. If they are too young, then go home with them and have a conversation then.
Get updates from their teacher. Your child might be masturbating in public when you are with them or when you are away, such as when they are at school. If your child is masturbating at school, then you should work to provide them with some solutions so that they can dissipate the desire and wait until they get home. Connect with their teacher to see how they are performing at school and if they have any concerns. Do not directly ask about masturbation because you might embarrass your child or put their teacher on alert. Instead, try: “I wanted to check how Henry is doing in your class. Do you have any updates about his grades or his behavior that I should know about?” If his teacher tells you that he has been masturbating in class, thank them and let them know you are working with your child and to call you if it happens again.
Talk to your child's caregivers. If your child has any additional caregivers including before or after-school program instructors, babysitters, nannies, or any other form of additional support, speak with them about the situation. Ask them for updates on your child's actions, and let them know how you want them to handle any inappropriate situations. Consistency is important, so any other caretakers should be on the same page regarding handling your child's masturbation.
Foster self-esteem. Masturbation may occur more often in children who are looking for comfort or pleasure. To help curb that behavior, try to provide your child with a well-rounded set of activities they can turn to when they are seeking enjoyment, and help bolster their confidence so that they can provide themselves with other forms of comfort. Give them a healthy amount of praise, one-on-one time, and positive attention. Allow your child to try a number of different hobbies and activities. Finding some that they truly enjoy can help keep them engaged and boost their self-esteem. Let your child know that they are capable, valued, and accepted in your home. Create a warm, supportive environment to help bolster your child's confidence.
Having a Discussion With Your Child
Monitor your tone. Don't confront them harshly or in a way that might make them close up or feel shame. If they're very young, it is likely that they don't realize what they're doing or what sexual implications it has, so being understanding and gentle is key to how they'll view their sexuality in the future. It will also make them more likely to have discussions with you in the future about sex rather than turning to others or keeping secrets. Remember: don’t shame them or make them feel guilty for masturbation; simply explain to them that doing it in public is problematic.
Pick your timing carefully. You will want to address the action immediately when it happens, but you shouldn’t have a serious conversation about it in public. Simply tell your child to “stop” or distract them from the behavior. When you get home, have a conversation with them in private about what they did and why it is inappropriate. Say something like “Jeremy, your body is yours and you can touch it if you want. Your private parts are private, so if you want to touch it, you need to do it when you're alone. People will feel embarrassed and uncomfortable if you do it in public. If you want to do it, you can do it in your room. Do you understand?” Don’t raise the issue in front of others. You don’t want your child to feel humiliated in public or in front of their siblings.
Explain to them that there's nothing wrong with exploring their private areas. The actions that they're actually taking aren't a problem, just the location. Let them know that it's not appropriate to expose or touch their private parts in public or around other people. Compare it to other things that should be done in private, like bathing or using the restroom.
Give them options. Rather than focusing on what they shouldn't do, turn the discussion to what they can do. Explain to them that if they choose to masturbate, they can do so in a private area such as in a bedroom or bathroom. Tell them that they need to clean up after themselves if they make a mess. If your family bathroom(s) can be very busy, then tell them to only do it in their room. (You don't want them masturbating in the bathroom for a long time when other people need to use the bathroom.)
Be understanding and as age-appropriate as possible. With older children, this talk might lead to more questions about sex and sexuality, so be open to hearing questions and providing honest answers about the acts and your family values surrounding them. With younger children, you might want to talk to them more about their private parts and how they function. With younger children, don't get more intense than they're ready for; be honest, but keep it simple. For example, you might just say, "Touching there is okay, but only in private. It's not okay to do that in class or when other people are in the room at home. Do you want to go to your room to take a break and do that?" Think about who would be the most effective person to talk to your child. Some children may respond better to the parent of the same gender, or may be more willing to engage with the parent to whom they are closer.
Be wary of signs of abuse. If you notice your child masturbates constantly, to the point where they injure themselves, tries to make other children masturbate, or if you suspect someone has taught them to masturbate, call a pediatrician or therapist. Sexual abuse may have occurred and could be the root of the problem. Note that repeated urinary tract infections may also be a sign of excessive masturbation and potential ongoing abuse.
Take away privileges if they don’t abide by the rules. After having clarified when it is appropriate to masturbate and when it is not, should your child choose to act out of these boundaries, you must take away certain privileges. Doing so will reinforce to them that masturbation in public is not okay and will curb that bad behavior. Consider taking away their phone or TV privileges. Say something like “Amy, you know we have talked about masturbation. It’s okay for you to do in your room, but it’s not okay to do at school. Since you did that today, you cannot use your phone or tablet today.”
Establishing a More Positive Dynamic
Increase affection to your child. Some children masturbate out of a desire for physical contact, a desire which is not always sexual. Hug your child more, sit by them on the couch when you watch TV, and just be a bit more physically affectionate in general. If they begin to touch themselves near you, ask them to go to their room or to the bathroom.
Don’t go into their room without knocking. As you are setting boundaries with your child, also set boundaries with yourself and allow them their privacy. Once you have explained to them the appropriate spaces for them to masturbate, be sure to not enter into any of those spaces without knocking first. Respecting your child's boundaries will make it more likely that they will respect yours in return. Consider giving your child a "Do Not Disturb" sign to hang up on their door when they need privacy.
Be positive and supportive. This process is likely new both for you and your child. Be firm with them but be gentle and supportive, as well. Remind your child that masturbation is okay in private and tell them that they can always come to you with questions or if they just want to talk. Be prepared to answer any questions that your child may have. It would be unfair to them to make promises that you don't intend to keep.
Teach your child coping skills. Some children may turn to self-pleasuring behavior as a means of coping or tension release. Teach your children how to communicate their feelings using emotional terms such as "sad" or "angry," and let them know that there is nothing wrong with having hurt feelings, as long as they are able to vocalize them. Practice proper coping in your daily life, especially when your child is around, to help them better understand how to properly deal with emotionally stressful situations.
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