Getting to Know an Individual Woman
Avoid making assumptions about her. You’ll have a hard time understanding any person if you assume that you know everything (or anything!) about them. When you’re getting to know a woman, start by letting go of any assumptions about what she is thinking or feeling. Don’t jump to the conclusion that you know anything about her life, preferences, or core beliefs. For example, if she’s single, don’t assume that she’s lonely and looking for a relationship. Not all women are interested in being with a romantic partner. It can be hard to recognize your own assumptions. If you find yourself thinking something about a woman in your life, stop and ask yourself: “Why do I think that? Is there any reason for me to believe that about her?”
Recognize that she is an individual. Remember, every woman is a unique and individual person, just like you. She has her own life story, circumstances, and experiences that have shaped who she is. As you get to know her, try thinking of her as a person first before looking at her gender or any preconceived notions of what a woman “should” be like. This doesn’t mean you have to ignore her gender—it’s a big part of most people’s identities, after all. Just recognize that it doesn’t totally define who she is.
Ask her questions about her feelings, thoughts, and beliefs. One of the best ways to get to know and understand any person is to talk to them. If you’re interested in understanding more about a woman, ask her questions. Just don’t make the questions too personal or invasive, especially if you don’t know her very well. For example, you might ask her things like: “What do you like to do for fun?” “How do you feel about this issue?” “Why did you decide to go into that profession?” “What are some things you hope to accomplish one day?”
Listen actively to what she has to say. Asking questions and making conversation will only help you understand a woman if you really pay attention to what she says. When she speaks, make an effort to listen and make sense of what she’s saying. Then you will know how to handle her. Don’t spend the whole conversation planning what you’re going to say next. Instead, hear her out and then decide how to respond. If you don’t understand something, try repeating it back to her in your own words or asking for clarification. For example, you might say, “It sounds like you don’t want to vote for Johnson because you don’t like his stance on environmental issues. Is that right?”
Pay attention to her body language. Listening to someone’s words isn’t the only way to understand them. It’s also important to pay attention to her non-verbal cues, like her facial expressions and posture. When you’re spending time with a woman or conversing with her, watch what her face and body are doing. For example, if she’s making eye contact, smiling, and letting her arms hang at her sides, she’s probably feeling comfortable and relaxed. If she’s looking at the floor and crossing her arms, she may feel nervous, shy, or preoccupied.
Spend time with her socially if that’s an option. Spending time around someone can help you understand them better. If you can hang out with the woman socially, you’ll have a chance to observe how she behaves in different situations and around different people. Depending on how well you know her and how comfortable she is with you, try inviting her to spend time with you one-on-one or in a group. Make your invitation specific. For example, instead of a vague question like “You want to hang out sometime?” you might try, “I’m going to a trivia night with some friends on Friday. Would you like to come?” For one-on-one time, try asking her to do something low-pressure that will allow you to chat with her and get to know her a bit. For instance, you might invite her to chat over coffee or lunch.
Talk to other people who know her to get other perspectives. If you’re having trouble understanding someone’s behavior, sometimes it can help to talk to her other friends or acquaintances. They might be able to shed light on why she acts, thinks, or talks the way she does. For example, you could say, “You’ve known Sarah for a long time. Why does she get so annoyed whenever the topic of parrots comes up?”
Try to put yourself in her shoes. Developing a strong sense of empathy is an important part of understanding any person. Try to imagine yourself in her circumstances. Ask yourself what you would think and feel in the same situation. For example, you might think to yourself, “Monica seems really forgetful sometimes, but she’s working double shifts and taking care of a kid at home. She’s probably pretty overwhelmed and tired most of the time.”
Educate yourself about the unique issues women face. Even if you live in a society where the genders are legally and socially considered equal, men and women deal with their own unique problems and challenges. To understand individual women, try to look at the big picture and understand what kinds of pressures and biases they deal with that you don’t. For example, you might read articles, books, or opinion pieces about issues such as the differences in how men and women are treated by medical personnel or the challenges that women face in the workplace. If a woman complains about the challenges and frustrations of being female, resist the urge to get defensive or dismissive. Keep an open mind and try to see things from her perspective.
Being Understanding in Romantic Relationships
Give your partner your full attention when you’re together. Even if you’re in a close relationship with a woman, you’ll have a hard time understanding her completely if you’re not present and paying attention. You don’t have to be fully focused on her 24/7, but give her your attention when you’re spending quality time together. Put away your phone and other distractions, and really listen to what she has to say. When you’re conversing, try to understand what she’s saying before you respond. Follow up what she says with questions. If she feels that you are really paying attention and making an effort to understand her, she’ll be more likely to do the same for you.
Take an active interest in the things she cares about. You’ll understand your partner better and get more out of your relationship if you take at least a little interest in the things that are important to her. Ask her about what she likes to do, what her goals and dreams are, and what causes and beliefs are most meaningful to her. Look for ways to participate in some of her favorite hobbies. This could be as simple as watching her favorite show with her or joining her occasionally when she plays her favorite video game. Ask her questions about the things she’s interested in. For example, “What do you like best about this book?” or “How did you get into rock climbing?” Getting to know the things she cares about will not only bring you closer together, but will also give you more insight into who she is as a person.
Avoid making accusations or jumping to conclusions during arguments. If your partner does something you don’t understand or don’t agree with, don’t rush to complain or make accusations. This will put her on the defensive and will make it harder for you to see her perspective and resolve the situation. Instead, communicate with her about how you feel and calmly and respectfully ask her to explain her behavior. For example, you might say, “I felt really hurt and confused when you made that comment about my brother. Why did you say that?” Avoid using language that makes accusations or assumptions. For example, don’t say, “You’re always trying to put me and my family down just so you can feel better about yourself!”
Ask her how she’s doing. If you’re not sure how your partner is feeling or what she’s thinking, the best way to find out is to ask. Make sure to really pay attention to her answer, and ask for clarification if you still don’t understand. You can ask open-ended questions, like “How are you feeling right now?” or more specific ones, like “Are you upset about that argument we hard earlier?” If she gives an evasive answer or says she doesn’t want to talk about it, don’t push it or act resentful. Instead, say something like, “Okay, I understand. I’m here if you want to talk, though.”
Get in touch with your own thoughts and feelings. It may seem strange, but understanding yourself better can make it easier for you to understand your partner. If you’re not sure what’s going on in your own head and heart, you’ll have a harder time connecting to what she’s thinking and feeling. Take time each day to mindfully pay attention to your own emotions, thoughts, and physical sensations.Did you know? Research shows that people who do mindful meditation have an easier time being empathetic and compassionate to others. Don’t try to judge or analyze your thoughts and feelings. Just notice and name them. For example, you might think to yourself, “When I argue with Susan, I feel scared. I worry that I might lose her. My shoulders get tense and my heart races.”
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