How to Use Modern Psychology to Understand Romantic Love

Give the myth a miss. The modern myth of true love, upon which most Western-educated youth are raised, involves these beliefs: true love is passionate love that never fades; if you are in true love, you should marry that person; if love ends, you should leave that person because it was not true love; and if you find the right person, you will have true love forever.If true love is defined as eternal passion, it is biologically impossible. To see this, and to save the dignity of love, you have to understand the difference between two kinds of love: passionate and compassionate.

Understand the difference between "passionate love" and "companionate love". Passionate love is the forest fire; companionate love the cool, cool river that saved the two dears Passionate love is a "wildly emotional state in which tender and sexual feelings, elation and pain, anxiety and relief, altruism and jealousy, all exist in a confusion of feelings". Passionate love is the love you fall into. It is what happens when Cupid's Golden Arrow hits your heart, and, in an instant, the world around you is transformed. You crave union with your beloved. You want, somehow, to crawl into each other. Companionate love is "the affection we feel for those with whom our lives are deeply intertwined". Companionate love grows slowly over the years, as lovers apply their attachment and caregiving systems to each other, and as they begin to rely upon, care for, and trust each other.

Say no to drugs. Passionate love is a drug. Its symptoms overlap with those of heroin (euphoric well-being, sometimes described in sexual terms) and cocaine (euphoria combined with giddiness and energy). Passionate love alters the activity of several parts of the brain, including parts that are involved in the release of dopamine. Any experience that feels intensely good releases dopamine, and the dopamine link is crucial here because drugs that artificially raise dopamine levels, as do heroin and cocaine, put you at risk of addiction.Since passionate love is a drug, it must wear off eventually. The brain reacts to a chronic surplus of dopamine, develops neurochemical reactions that oppose it, and restores its own equilibrium. At that point, tolerance has set in, and when the drug is withdrawn, the brain is unbalanced in the opposite direction: pain, lethargy, and despair follow withdrawal from cocaine or from passionate love.

Understand the life cycle of passionate love. Passionate love does not turn into compassionate love. Passionate love and compassionate love are two separate processes, and they have different time courses. Their diverging paths produce two danger points, two places where many people make grave mistakes. Passionate love ignites, it burns, and it can reach its maximum temperature within days. During its weeks or months of madness, lovers can't help but think about marriage, and often they talk about it, too. Sometimes they even offer and commit to marriage. This is often a mistake. People are not allowed to sign contracts when they are drunk, and people should not be allowed to propose marriage when they are high on passionate love. The other danger point is the day the drug weakens its grip. Passionate love doesn't end on that day, but the crazy and obsessional high period does. Breakups often happen at this point, and for many couples that's a good thing. But sometimes breaking up is premature, because if the lovers had stuck it out, if they had given compassionate love a chance to grow, they might have found true love.

Understand the life cycle of compassionate love. Companionate love looks weak in the six-month graph because it can never attain the intensity of passionate love. But if we change the scale from six months to 60 years, it is passionate love that seems trivial, a moment's flash, while companionate love can last a lifetime.True love does exist, but it is not, and cannot be passion that lasts forever. True love - the love that undergoes strong marriages - is simply strong companionate love, with some added passion, between two people who are firmly committed to each other.

Understand your Attachment Styles. Attachment theory designates three main "attachment styles", or manners in which people perceive and respond to intimacy in romantic relationships: Secure, Anxious, and Avoidant. People with each of these attachment styles differ in their view of intimacy and togetherness, the way they deal with conflict, their attitude toward sex, their ability to communicate their wishes and needs, and their expectations from their partner and the relationship. To choose the right mate, or to improve your relationship with the one you already have, it is important that you understand each other's attachment styles, and learn how to work through your differences. Secure people feel comfortable with intimacy, and are usually warm and loving. Just over 50% of people, both children and adults, are Secure. Anxious people crave intimacy, are often preoccupied with their relationships, and tend to worry about their partner's ability to love them back. Around 20% of the population are Anxious. Avoidant people equate intimacy with loss of independence, and constantly try to minimize closeness. Around 25% of people are Avoidant. "Disorganized" people, who are both anxious and avoidant, represent around 3 to 5% of the population.

Understand Effective Communication. You can use effective communication (a) to choose the right partner - it's the quickest, most direct way to determine whether your prospective partner will be able to meet your needs; and (b) to ensure that your needs are met in the relationship, whether it is brand-new or long-standing.Effective communication works on the principle that we all have very specific needs in relationships, many of which are determined by our attachment styles. If you are Anxious, turn to effective communication when you feel you are starting to resort to protest behavior. When something your partner said or did (or did not say or do) has activated your attachment system such that you feel that you are on the verge of acting out (by not answering calls, threatening to leave, etc.) stop yourself. Then figure out what your real needs are, and use effective communication instead (but only after you have thoroughly calmed down, which may take a day or two).If you are Avoidant, you will know for sure that you ought to use effective communication when you feel the need to bolt. Use it to explain to your partner that you need some space, and that you'd like to find a way of doing so that is mutually acceptable. Suggest a few alternatives, making sure to take care of your partner's needs. By doing so, you're more likely to get the breathing space that you need.FIVE PRINCIPLES OF EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION Wear your heart on your sleeve – be genuine and completely honest about your feelings. Focus on your needs – get your needs across. Take your partner's well-being into consideration as well. Focus on what you are trying to accomplish, and not on your partner's shortcomings. Be specific – state precisely what is bothering you. Don't blame – never make your partner feel selfish, incompetent, or inadequate. Be thoroughly calm before you communicate. Be assertive and unapologetic – although people with different attachment styles may not see your concerns as legitimate, they are essential to YOUR happiness, and expressing them authentically is crucial. To be assertive, you need to change your interpersonal habits. Know your limits or boundaries clearly. Let people know those limits and where you are willing to be more flexible. Stay firm on the non-negotiable things.