Dark Psychology & the Dark Triad
What is dark psychology? Dark psychology is a formal term for the art of manipulation. A person using dark psychology will lie, cheat, steal, and use every other trick in the book to get whatever they want. However, most people are incapable of using dark psychology—they have too much empathy and/or respect for others to engage in these dark arts. In formal studies, most psychology professionals use the “dark triad” to determine who is or is not capable of dark psychology.
What is the dark triad? The “dark triad” refers to the three personality traits required for someone to have a dark psychology personality (narcissism, psychopathy, and Machiavellianism). Dark triad personalities are especially nefarious because they’re willing to do basically whatever it takes to get what they want. This makes them dangerous as friends, family members, or romantic partners. Narcissism: Narcissism is a personality trait (or disorder) where someone has an unreasonably high level of self-importance. Narcissists often need all eyes to be on them and they’ll get frustrated if they aren’t admired or listened to. Psychopathy: Psychopaths have a distinct lack of empathy. They’re incapable of understanding that other people have emotions, which makes them comfortable behaving in a way that most people would never be able to stomach. Psychopaths have problems with impulse control, a tendency for conflict, and a lack of emotional affect. Machiavellianism: Named after the infamous Italian politician Niccolo Machiavelli, a Machiavellian personality refers to someone who is naturally manipulative, strategic, and goal-oriented. Specifically, they’re uninterested in how their machinations impact others so far as it helps them get what they want. Machiavellianism is probably the least common trait of the dark triad, but it’s potentially the most catastrophic for people close to a dark triad personality.
Dark Psychology Techniques
Love Flooding Also known as “love bombing,” people who flood you with love will shower you in care, appreciation, and affection to butter you up for a request. People who love flood aren’t in the habit of showing you genuine care—they’re only nice to you when you want something, which can be very draining and painful. Example: You get a promotion at work and one of your coworkers suddenly starts being really nice and asks you to hang out. Just when you think you two are friends, they ask you to let them off the hook if they show up late to your birthday party. Countering this behavior: Dismiss any requests with kindness, but do it quickly and move on. If they stop being nice to you, you know they’re love bombing you.
Love Withholding Someone using dark psychology may also be prone to love withholding. This is sort of the opposite of love flooding—they’ll deny you any care or affection until you do what they want. Example: Your cousin stops talking to you when you refuse to loan them $50. They get cold, distant, and stop replying to your texts. Countering this behavior: Don’t take the cold shoulder personally. Do your best to ignore any love withholding. They obviously need you more than you need them.
Lying This one isn’t particularly unique to people with a dark triad personality, but they’ll rely on lies all the same. They might lie about small things to make themselves sound more important or cool than they really are, or lie about bigger things to try and cover their major indiscretions. Example: You start dating someone you met on Tinder but you see the app on their phone despite the fact that they said they’d delete it. Countering this behavior: Call out lies when you catch them and stop assuming that they’re telling you the truth. If you always expect they’re lying, you won’t fall into any traps.
Gaslighting Gaslighting refers to a form of manipulation where a person tries to convince someone that they’re going crazy, or that their memory is failing them to get them to believe something beneficial for the gaslighter. It’s insidious because gaslighting can be harder and harder to catch once it starts, and it can have serious ramifications if you fall for it. Example: Money goes missing from your wallet. Your roommate claims not only did they not take it, but that you mentioned having zero cash to begin with yesterday. This happens again and again until eventually, you think your memory is just bad when it comes to money. Countering this behavior: Stop second-guessing yourself. This can be hard to do if you’re already being gaslit, so consider leaving yourself notes or recording your behaviors.
Choice Restriction Someone with a dark triad personality may use choice restriction to warp your sense of freedom or choose to do something they want (not what you want). This can distract you from making the right choice, or make you think you’ve got a fewer number of choices than you actually do. Example: Your partner wants to go out for pizza, but you want to stay in and watch a movie. They tell you, “We can either go out for pizza together, or I can leave and you can watch a movie by yourself.” Countering this behavior: Don’t accept the false options presented to you. The world is rarely so straightforward that there are only 2-3 options, so if someone tells you you’re backed into choosing something, reject the premise.
Reverse Psychology You don’t want to read this. Seriously, read no further. Did we get you? If you are still reading this, you’ve just been tricked by reverse psychology. By coyly acting like you don’t want something to happen, you can make it come true—but only if you’ve got the chops to put on a convincing show. Example: You want a friend of yours to come to your birthday party next week. They say, “Well, I was supposed to go see my grandmother and she’s real sick, but…no, I guess I can blow her off.” You feel bad so you go, “Oh, no way. Go see your grandma, it’s totally okay.” Countering this behavior: If it’s in your best interests, take the option being presented that’s best for you. Reverse psychology works by making you think you don’t want something, but if you actually do, just take it!
Semantic Manipulation This is a fancy phrase for “word games.” Basically, if someone is twisting your words (or their words) to make it sound like something else was actually said, they’re manipulating semantics. This can be nefarious if someone tries to hold you to a promise you never made, or trick you into thinking you said something you never meant. Example: You mentioned one time wanting to lose weight. Your friend keeps making jokes about you being overweight. When you ask them to stop, they say, “You wanted to lose weight! I’m just encouraging you to change!” Countering this behavior: Even if you said something, you can always change your mind. If someone tries to use your words against yourself, just tell them you’ve changed your mind.
Confidence Breaching People with a dark triad personality will have no problem revealing your personal secrets if it benefits them. Your secrets will never be safe with someone with a dark psychology, so don’t share anything important with them after the first time it happens. Example: You’ve got a crush on someone and your friend tells everybody about it just to get a laugh at lunch. Countering this behavior: Once someone shares a secret of yours, it’s a clear sign you should no longer tell them any secrets. Just don’t tell them anything personal going forward.
Avoiding Dark Triad Behavior
Always reflect on your behavior. Dark triad types are incapable of recognizing when they’re being unempathetic or cruel, so if you just reflect on your motivations and behavior, you’ve already won half the battle. Reflecting on the things you do and asking yourself if you’re being kind is essential to avoiding manipulative behavior. You can reflect silently in your head, or try journaling every day to see how you really feel about what you’ve done. This is one of the big reasons people see a therapist. Therapy presents an opportunity for you to talk through what’s going on in your life and avoid making any major mistakes.
Ask for forgiveness when you make a mistake. If someone is psychopathic, narcissistic, and Machiavellian, they’re never going to apologize for something unless it directly benefits them. So, if you’re the kind of person who goes out of their way to right their wrongs, you’re automatically ahead of the curve. Always apologize in private if you can. Making a public show of it can make your apology feel less genuine.
Spread love everywhere you go. Whether it’s an unexpected gift, a genuine compliment, or a written note explaining how much you appreciate someone, make an effort to make other people feel good. Not only is it affirming to know know you’re a force of joy in the world, but it’s a great way to keep your more selfish urges in check.
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