- Oneitis is an intense romantic obsession with a single person, or the belief that they’re “the one,” even or especially when that person is unavailable.
- Signs of oneitis include one-sided conversations, chronic and distracting relationship fantasies, and putting more effort into a relationship than your partner.
- Move past oneitis by exploring the dating pool, socializing with current friends or meeting new one, and cutting off contact with the person you fantasize about.
What is oneitis?
Oneitis is an unrealistic romantic obsession with another person. It’s a slang term that describes a sort of psychological condition (hence the “itis”) where a person decides that their romantic interest is “the one,” despite a lack of evidence or any meaningful relationship. It’s most often used when a man fixates on or idealizes a woman, to the point where it negatively affects his behavior. That said, anyone can have it, not just men. Often, oneitis occurs when a man focuses on a woman he barely knows, or who has already turned down his advances. Example usage: “Dude, you need to get over your oneitis. You’ve barely even talked to Stacy and you’re already convinced that she’ll marry you.”
Some say there are 3 “levels” of oneitis. Oneitis comes in a few different forms, and it might look different for one person than another. It’s often said that there are 3 different levels or degrees of oneitis. The first is more of a casual fixation, when you meet someone and just can’t stop thinking about them. Level 2 is the typical case, when the fixation becomes distracting or personally damaging. Level 3 oneitis is more serious, and is when the fixation veers into harmful behavior like stalking, making repeated unwanted advancements, or becoming visibly agitated or jealous.
What causes oneitis?
Oneitis can be caused by rejection or breakups. It’s no secret that we tend to want what we can’t have. When you go through a rejection or a breakup, it may make the other person seem even more appealing, since they hold the power of choice. But rejections and breakups happen to everyone, and it’s important to understand and move past that rejection to live a fuller, healthier life. This tends to be especially true if you’ve had a sexual encounter with the person, like a hookup. This sexual element makes them all the more alluring and distracting.
Oneitis can be caused by lack of self-esteem or other emotional hangups. Oneitis might also be the product of a sort of “savior complex,” or the belief that someone, someday, will come along and fix everything that’s wrong with you. This person will be perfect, and you’ll be perfect with them. But nobody’s perfect, and looking for a savior is bound to end in disillusionment. Instead, remind yourself that everyone is a work in progress, yourself included, and we’re all helping each other to become better people in our relationships.
Oneitis may be caused by perceptions of masculinity or “honor.” Sometimes, we might think that by pursuing a single person, we’re showing them that we care, or that we have “honor” or chivalry by not pursuing others. Or, we might look past the warning signs with the excuse of “unconditional love,” thinking that if it’s meant to be, it’ll be. But these are often just blinders that prevent us from accepting that maybe they’re not “the one,” and that love is waiting for us somewhere else. If masculinity is your concern, understand that the more positive and honorable thing to do as a man is to honor that person’s space and boundaries, rather than pursuing them despite their lack of interest.
Why is oneitis a problem?
Oneitis sets you up for disappointment. When you’re fixated on another person and convince yourself that things will work out between you, it’s hard to see that your obsession is based on illusion. In reality, you may not know that person as well as you think, and if you do get closer and find out they aren’t who you thought they were, that illusion comes crashing down. This can result in some serious disappointment, which only makes getting back into the dating pool harder.
Oneitis can damage your own self-esteem. Obsessive love can also cause—and be caused by—someone’s own low self-esteem. With oneitis, you’re placing all your respect with another person, often one that you hardly know. It becomes harder to see that you’re an independent and capable person who doesn’t necessarily need someone else to be “whole.” Similarly, oneitis also hurts your chances at a real relationship. When you’re too distracted to work on boosting your own confidence, you’re not not giving yourself the tools you need to form a genuine connection, like self-esteem, conversation skills, or a positive personality.
Oneitis creates unrealistic expectations for “the one.” Oneitis often leads you to make a sort of shopping list for your hypothetical soulmate. They have to be attractive, funny, smart, agree with you all the time, treat you as their number-one priority, etc. But idealizing “the one” this way only sets up unrealistic expectations that nobody is ever going to meet. Instead, you’ll find yourself constantly analyzing your romantic partners, and rejecting people who might be genuinely good for you when they don’t meet that impossibly high bar. This is especially a problem if you can’t seem to get over “the one that got away.” Nobody will be able to live up to the idealized version of that person you had in your head, even when that idealized person was more of a fantasy than a reality.
Oneitis can create a dependency on your relationship. If you’re already in a relationship, oneitis can cause a rift between you and your partner. Idolizing your partner can lead to intense jealousy, a need for constant contact, emotional dependence, violating their personal boundaries, and other burdens on your relationship. These all work to sabotage your bond with the person you love, even when you genuinely do love them. It’s important to take a step back every once in a while and ask yourself if you have emotional dependency. It might be time to reevaluate what you need from your relationship
Oneitis stifles your own potential as a partner and a person. You’ll have better luck finding a meaningful relationship if you have a growth mindset that aims to build a lasting connection and improve yourself as a person alongside your partner. But with oneitis, we tend to look for a partner who’s already the complete package, and assume that we don’t need anymore growth ourselves to be the best partners we can be, either. Romance requires plenty of learning and patience to understand and live with your partner, but oneitis makes that learning and patience pretty tough.
Signs You Might Have Oneitis
You tell yourself that they’re “the one.” Don’t get us wrong, we do believe that love is out there waiting. But when you jump right to “this is the only person for me,” you skip right to the end result without putting in the work. A healthy, mutual, long-term relationship takes effort, time, and growth. People are more likely to become “the one” over time, as you learn about them, get to know them, and form a life together, than they are to be “the one” right off the bat. At the start, your feelings are probably infatuation, not love. But you might turn infatuation into love by spending more time with that person and accepting them for who they are, not who you want them to be.
You reach out more often than they do. This comes in many different forms, but usually, you’re putting much more effort into texting, communicating, and making plans than they are. It’s often a sign that you place more value on the relationship, or potential relationship, than they do. You may think of them as a real catch, but they’re not interested in taking the bait. It may be time to reconsider your dynamic. Take a look at your text conversation, if you have one. Is it mostly your own chat bubbles, with only a few of their peppering the convo? If so, that’s a strong sign the relationship is one-sided.
They don’t seem interested in dates. A lack of interest in spending time together is another strong indicator of a one-sided relationship. You might be enthusiastic about going on dates or even just spending time alone together at home, but your partner may often have other ideas. It’s tough to hear, but it could be that you’ve placed greater value on the relationship than they have. You see them as a priority, but that priority might be unrequited. Also, you might find yourself turning down other potential romances or dates, with the hopes that this one will one day pan out.
They’re already taken or committed to another person. If the object of your romantic fantasies is already in the middle of their own romance, that’s a clear sign of unrequited love and, yes, oneitis. It’s unfair to both of you to root for the end of that relationship. If they’re already happy, what’s the point in making yourself unhappy by wishing for them to be unhappy in their current relationship? Take it from us, it’ll only result in more heartache. Similarly, it might be oneitis if you continue to obsess over them after they’ve turned you down. It hurts, but it’s important to handle rejection in a more healthy manner, for your own well-being.
Your relationship with them doesn’t make you very happy. If you’re in a relationship with the object of your oneitis, chances are it’s not an entirely happy or pleasant time. Rather than enjoying the relationship, you might be feeling possessive, suspicious, sensitive, or even a little controlling. You’re in the relationship and still hoping they’re “the one,” but your own emotions aren’t reflecting that belief. If they really were “the one,” chances are you’d be much more content than you are now. Ask yourself: Do you enjoy spending time with them? Are you more often glad to be with them than unsatisfied, or even worried about the relationship? Does thinking about them prompt more negative feelings than positive?
You cling to the idea of romance rather than romance itself. Often, oneitis has less to do with a specific person and more to do with the mere idea of romance. You might be waiting for the perfect partner to come and make everything in your life right. It doesn’t even really matter who, but as soon as the idea that this next person is “the one” plants itself, the oneitis sets in. This way, you could be bouncing from romantic interest to romantic interest, never actually finding one that sticks.
You tend to make excuses for liking them. When you’re dead-set on someone being “the one,” you tend to also try to convince other people that it’s true, despite the evidence. They might treat you poorly, but you make excuses for the behavior or wave it away as a minor issue. This blinds you to real problems in your relationship and only serves to make you both more unhappy as you fixate on them rather than finding a healthier and happier relationship. Even if you’re not in a relationship with them, you might find yourself making excuses for why they don’t always seem to be the one. For example, you might think they only give you the cold shoulder because they’re playing hard to get, but maybe they don’t want to be gotten.
Getting Over Oneitis
See other people to expand your romantic experiences. Seeing other people has 2 purposes. First, it shows you all the possibilities you might be neglecting by fixating on a single person who might be unavailable. And second, it puts the power back in your hands. Suddenly, you’re saying, “Actually, there are other possibilities. I don’t need to cling to this one.” As a result, you become more confident, in control, and even more attractive. Look for a partner on dating apps like Tinder or Bumble, or even just hit a bar or cafe and start a conversation with a stranger. Keep an open mind, and be polite and respectful. You never know where you might find love!
Make new friends to expand your social circle. One of the best cures for obsession is simply spending more time with other people. These can be strangers, friends, or even just family. This helps remind you that your other social bonds are just as important as the romantic bond that you’re chasing, and dull the intensity of your feelings. It also helps you build a social safety net that you can fall back on when you do have romantic trouble. Ask your current friends to hang out, or go out and make new best friends to fill your calendar and get your mind off of your fixation.
Distance yourself from “the one” and ask yourself what you really want. Often, an obsession can be an opportunity to learn more about yourself. You might not actually want that person in particular, but what they can offer you. You might simply want affection or intimacy, and have decided that this person is the only one who can give it to you, even if that’s not true. Cut down on your communication with “the one” and ask yourself: Do you actually like them as a person? Do they have something that nobody else (including yourself) could give you? Do you want to be in a relationship with them, or do you just want a relationship in general?
Re-focus on improving and appreciating yourself with hobbies or travel. Keeping yourself busy with hobbies, sports, travel, or other activities keeps your mind off your oneitis and also bolsters your own sense of experience and self-esteem. Expanding your horizons shows you that there’s more to life than romance, and your own personal experience can be just as meaningful and rewarding as meeting “the one.” Find a new hobby to lose yourself in, or join a special interest club like a book club, fan club, or club sports to meet new people while having a good time.
Rebalance the amount of energy you put into your relationship. If you’re in a relationship with the person you think is “the one,” but the relationship feels one-sided, reevaluate the effort you’re putting in. Are you making all the plans or initiating all the intimacy? It’s time to communicate your needs. You might ask your partner to be more proactive and plan a date night, or to be more proactive with their affection. If the dynamic doesn’t balance, it might be time to consider ending the relationship. For example, you might say, “Lately I feel like I’m putting more effort into the relationship than usual. Can we talk about balancing that?”
Set new boundaries, and respect other people’s boundaries. Setting boundaries for yourself helps protect against feelings of unrequited love. Think about the areas in your romantic life that are causing you undue pain, and draw clear lines to prevent that pain. For example, you might decide not to move forward with a relationship if they don’t make plans, or you might delete their number altogether if texting them causes you grief. Also, show your respect by respecting other people’s boundaries. If someone expresses that they don’t want a relationship, accept that and move past the possibility, which really isn’t a possibility at all.
Redirect obsessive thoughts with meditation. Whenever you find yourself stepping into those fixations or going down those obsessive roads, stop, take a deep breath, and meditate. Remind yourself why you want to curb the obsession—so that you can stop being preoccupied and wasting time. Or, so you can move past an unproductive romance and start working toward a more realistic and honest one. Whenever you have those thoughts, make it a habit to shut your eyes, put your hands in your lap, and visualize other personal aspirations, like traveling or advancing your career.
Take a break from social media to “reset” your mind. Research shows that taking just a week off of social media helps alleviate depression and anxiety, 2 conditions often associated with oneitis. What’s more, you may find that it’s easier to take your mind off of the person you’re fixating on when you’re not constantly seeing them on your feed. Instead, spend more time with yourself and the people around you, who already contribute to your life, rather than an idealized vision of someone. Get off of social media by logging out of your accounts or uninstalling social media apps from your phone. After a week, check in on yourself and ask yourself if you’re feeling better. If there’s an improvement, take note. It might be time to unfollow that person altogether, or even stay off the apps for good.
Talk to a therapist to get an outside perspective. You don’t have to deal with those agonizing romantic feelings alone. Talking to a therapist can give you some insight and clarity from an unbiased professional, who can help you identify and work through your feelings. Sometimes, even just externalizing those feelings by talking about them is enough to get a handle on the situation. Or, talk to a trusted friend or family member about your struggles. They may have personalized or intimate advice to offer you.
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