- When you think nobody likes you, it’s probably your critical inner voice talking. This voice exists in everyone but is stronger in some people than others.
- Your inner critic doesn’t reflect reality. You have to separate what the voice is saying from the real truth of your life.
- Try talking back to these negative thoughts with positive affirmations. If it says, “Nobody likes me,” say, “I am a kind and interesting person who deserves love.”
Why You Feel Like Nobody Likes You
You may be listening to your critical inner voice. Everyone has an internal critic—that's what we hear when we feel like outcasts, rejects, or disliked by others. Some people hear and internalize this voice more than others, and there are certain periods in your life where this voice may seem stronger and meaner than before. Every time you think to yourself, “Nobody likes me,” it’s your inner critic talking, and it’s probably twisting reality. A “critical inner voice” doesn’t mean you hear an actual voice talking to you—it’s a subconscious part of your mind that colors how you see yourself and the world. It’s difficult to separate your inner critic’s voice from your accurate thought process: you have to work hard to “separate what’s actually going on from what the voices in your head are telling you,” asserts life coach Adina Zinn.
Your inner critic may have lowered your self-esteem. Once you start listening to your inner voice, you may feel poorly about yourself and even start to behave differently. Your inner critic may even tell you to avoid situations where you’d be able to connect with new people or make you nervous and withdrawn in these situations. Over time, you may even start to actually struggle to connect with others—just like your inner critic told you that you would. This is a self-fulfilling prophecy: your critical voice says people don’t like you, so you shut out people in your life, and then you feel like you have no friends. Remember that this voice is lying to you. You are the same person you’ve always been, and the people in your life love you for who you are.
You may have felt unloved or disliked growing up. Any hurtful and negative attitudes you were exposed to in childhood can strengthen your critical inner voice, especially if they came from parents or caregivers. Your inner voice may echo insulting things that adult family members said to you, or even things that they said about themselves. For example, you may have heard a parent repeatedly talk badly about their body or claim that they were unlovable, so you feel that way, too. You may have also struggled to connect with others or make friends outside your family or have been shamed by a peer or mentor. Sometimes this inner critic comes out of nowhere, and you have no clear negative experiences that connect to your mental commentary. In these cases, a particularly cruel inner critic may be a symptom of depression or social anxiety.
Overcoming Your Critical Inner Voice
Remember that you’re not alone. While you may feel completely alone in thinking that nobody likes you, many people (unfortunately) share this feeling. Surveys have found that more than three in five Americans feel lonely, left out, and poorly understood. That’s a huge number of people, and realistically, most of those people are probably well-liked and even loved by at least one person in their lives. However, their inner critic incorrectly makes them think that they're alone and unlikable, just like yours may be doing now. As family therapist Moshe Ratson points out, “everybody thinks that only they themselves are lonely, but we all seek connection.”
Reflect on what your inner critic is telling you. Notice what situations trigger this voice and what it’s saying to you in those moments. Write down what your inner critic is saying as “I” statements. Then, rewrite each “I” statement as a “you” statement on the same page. “I’m annoying. No one wants to be my friend.” → “You’re annoying. No one wants to be your friend.” This exercise helps you separate this voice from your own thoughts and recognize it as untruthful and manipulative. Pinpointing exactly what your inner critic is saying may also help you understand and address its origins. Maybe you’ll recognize a certain statement as something a so-called friend once said to you, and you’ll be able to distinguish it from the truth of your current reality.
Stand up to your critical inner voice. When negative thoughts creep into your mind, verbally reply or write down a response. Respond with an “I” statement that is calm, and that shows self-compassion. Suppose your inner voice says, “Nobody likes me.” Respond with something like, “I may feel disconnected from others right now, but I am liked and loved by my friends and family. I am an interesting, kind, and worthy person who deserves quality relationships.”
Find a middle ground. Both “nobody likes me” and “everyone loves me” are absolute statements—and they’re equally unrealistic! No one is universally liked or disliked by everyone they meet. Focus on finding the middle ground between these two extremes and accepting the reality of it in your life. Replace “nobody likes me” with “Some people like me, and others don’t. But that’s okay and normal!” Or, try “I can live a satisfying and joyful life even if a few people don’t like me.”
Remember that you can’t read people’s minds. You have no way to know what people are thinking and feeling (unless they tell you directly). If you feel like an interaction with someone went badly, don’t automatically assume that they don’t like you. And even if someone is actually upset with you, it doesn’t mean that they don’t like you. We all get irritated sometimes, even with the people we love the most. If they seemed quiet or irritated, they may have already been having a bad day. If they left the conversation abruptly, they may have been distracted by something or have been feeling ill. You may also be sensitive to certain body and facial cues that are meaningless to others, especially if you experienced verbal or emotional abuse as a child.
Avoid comparing yourself to others. Often, your inner voice may say something like, “Carly is so much funnier than you” or “Paco is so much more interesting than you.” These comparisons are damaging and unhelpful, explains life coach Adina Zinn, who advises that you “look at your own achievements and focus on what you've achieved. Don't get into that comparison game.” Raise your self-esteem by using positive affirmations at least once a day. Repeat them in the mirror or write them in a journal. Try affirmations like, “I am worthy,” “I am deserving of love and happiness,” “I care about myself,” and “I am worthy of having great relationships.”
Change your behavior. Challenge your inner voice by doing the opposite of what it expects you to do. If your inner voice tells you that no one wants you to come to that party tonight, find the courage to go anyway. If the voice says that you’re stupid and don’t have any skills, sign up for a class on something you’ve always wanted to learn. Challenging your inner critic can be very difficult. It may make you feel more anxious, embarrassed, or insecure. With time, however, you’ll become more confident, and the critical voice will fade. Keep pushing against your inner critic and refuse to give in.
Talk to a therapist. Mental health professionals like counselors and therapists can help you diminish this voice and improve your self-esteem. Therapists can help you separate your inner critic's thoughts from the reality of your life. Therapists can also help you work on areas of your life that you could improve in, without judgment or shame. If necessary, seeing a counselor may also help you identify the root causes of your inner critic, such as depression or bullying.
Coping with Feeling Lonely
Recognize loneliness as a state of mind. Sometimes, we feel lonely even when we’re surrounded by people who love us. In these moments, we're falsely perceiving ourselves as alone or isolated, and that’s the feeling that we need to challenge. If you’re already feeling lonely, breaking yourself out of that mindset can be hard. Feeling lonely has psychological effects that make you feel even lonelier. For example, you may remember all the times you felt excluded but ignore the more numerous examples of times that you were included. Loneliness may also make you more timid and hesitant to reach out and socialize, meaning you really do become more isolated from others. To combat these feelings of loneliness, you must be intentional about reaching out to others and developing your self-esteem.
Work on your relationship with yourself. Be kind to yourself and practice positive self-talk. Practice self-care and give yourself a break when you’re feeling down. Treat yourself to small gifts and do things that relax you, like going for a nature walk, spending the day at the spa, or dining at your favorite restaurant. If you start feeling anxious or insecure about doing things alone, remember that your goal is building a relationship with and loving yourself. That internal relationship and consequent self-worth will allow you to connect with others and feel less lonely later on.
Invest time in your hobbies. Focusing on your hobbies and interests will help you feel more fulfilled and may even help you meet more people. Join any sort of club that matches your interest: intramural sports teams, knitting circles, improv groups, or something else! Family therapist Moshe Ratson lists more examples like “if you like reading: book clubs. Or if you want to play pickleball, or tennis, or sports or swimming, or a group that discusses philosophy or psychology. You can find some people that have some kind of common interest.”
Learn a new skill. Developing a new skill both increases your confidence and occupies your time, taking your mind off feelings of loneliness. Life coach Adina Zinn suggests looking to Youtube and other “online educational forums like MOOCs, Udemy, and Coursera. Those places are good for getting new skills inexpensively.”
Strengthen existing relationships. Check in with friends and family who are still in your life. Ask them to get together for a bonding activity or to catch up over coffee. If any of your loved ones live far away, call them on the phone or ask them to schedule a video call. You could even arrange weekly or monthly scheduled hangouts with friends to play games, watch sports, or cook dinner together. In his practice, therapist Moshe Ratson encourages people to consider who they haven’t reached out to in awhile and call them up. It’s easy to get distracted with life, but “maintenance of friendship is very important,” emphasizes Ratson.
Find new connections. If you don’t have a close inner circle of friends, that’s okay! Many people don’t, especially as they get older. Don’t be afraid to put yourself out there and reach out to new people—it’s natural to feel vulnerable at first, but these new habits will feel easier the more you do them. There are people out there waiting to meet you that feel just as nervous as you! ”If you see someone that you like, you should approach them,” advises therapist Moshe Ratson. “Don't be intimidated. Have the courage to go out and ask them for coffee or drink or…to meet with them again.” Use social media to reconnect with relatives or friends you’ve lost touch with. Bring baked goods to your neighbor’s house or invite them for coffee. Ask a colleague to join you for a drink or bite to eat after work. Reach out to someone you’ve always thought seemed nice but never spent time with. If you’re looking to make new romantic connections, join dating apps, hire a matchmaking service, or ask friends to set you up on blind dates.
Get involved with your community. Participating in community projects and clubs will help you develop your sense of self and is a great way to meet new people. Plus, you could even join a cause that lets you give back to your community. Attend local events like street fairs, festivals, and workshops. Volunteer at a community garden, youth program, or emergency preparedness group. Organize or join a social event like community dinners, book clubs, hobby groups, or walking groups. Become a regular at local shops and cafés. Support local art initiatives like community murals, theater performances, or musical events. Join online community message boards for your neighborhood or town to learn more about what’s happening in your area.
Celebrate your resilience. Recognize that everyone goes through a period of loneliness, and you’re not alone in that. Your life is filled with good and bad moments, and you are working hard right now to get through a difficult one. That shows immense strength and vulnerability, and you completely control what happens next. You got this!
Connecting Better with Others
Stay positive. Try to bring positive energy and intentions into your conversations with others, both verbally and nonverbally. Use kind words and have a warm facial expression. Go out of your way to compliment others or acknowledge their achievements and good qualities. However, don’t try to be positive or compliment someone when it’s not going to come across as genuine. You shouldn’t have to be in a good mood all the time for people to like you.
Ask questions about others. Engage with others and show genuine interest in their lives. “Being an active partner in the conversation” is a great way to be more likable, according to life coach Adina Zinn. Dating coach Lisa Shield also recommends asking personal questions as a way to connect with others. Shield claims that “what really makes us likable is to like other people. The more I like you, you’ll like me. The more I flatter you, ask you questions…that’s the kind of stuff that’s going to make you like me.”
Be an active listener. Make eye contact when others are talking and use body cues like nodding your head and smiling. Make it clear that you’re interested in them and what they have to say. “If you want to be likable,” says dating coach Lisa Shield, “you have to be interested in them and what they're about.”
Be vulnerable. It’s difficult to open up to others, especially if you’ve been hurt in the past or felt disliked for who you are. But without vulnerability, licensed counselor Casey Lee argues, “you can’t receive or give love fully.” Connecting with others requires that you open yourself up emotionally, which can be really scary if you’ve been hurt in the past. Learn to recognize the triggers that make you feel shameful, embarrassed, or afraid to share with others. Be forthcoming with your needs and vocalize your feelings. Slow down if you need to, and be patient and compassionate with yourself.
Practice self-acceptance. If you don’t like yourself, you may be carrying a lot of shame, insecurity, or anger around with you. These feelings can manifest in negative traits like “pushing for attention, keeping to yourself, and being aggressive,” explains professional counselor Casey Lee. While these traits may be coming from an emotional wound inside your own self, they close you off to others. To better connect with others and come off as a kind and likable person, start by focusing that energy inward on liking yourself.
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