- Narcissists find ways to position themselves as the superior person in relationships with comments like “You don’t deserve me” or “You’re lucky to have me.”
- Due to their fear of feeling shame, narcissists may also gaslight you or shift responsibility by accusing you of overreacting.
- The best way to maintain a relationship with a narcissist is to accept their limitations and find another, more empathetic support system to rely on.
Common Narcissistic Comments
“We don’t need anyone else.” Most narcissistic relationships begin with an intense stage of idealization. They’ll often love bomb you with extremely affectionate comments that make you feel as adored as they want to feel. However, this warmth and loving demeanor rarely last and can feel too much, too soon. They want to rush intimacy so they can feel treasured, using comments like: “You’re my soul mate.” "We'll be together forever." “We understand each other better than anyone else." “You’re the only one for me.”
“Stop being so insecure.” After the first few weeks of love bombing, most narcissists slip into a phase of devaluation. They begin slipping mean-spirited comments into conversations. They’ll then find ways to make you feel bad for expressing that your feelings are hurt. They might say things like: “You’re too sensitive.” “Stop crying. What do you have to cry about?” “You’re crazy.” “Stop being so dramatic.”
“I’m like this because my parents never gave me attention.” Narcissists are masters at rationalizing their actions. They’ll often find excuses to explain their unkind, manipulative behaviors. Oftentimes, these rationalizations will have some validity. However, suffering in our past is never an excuse for mistreating others. Be on the lookout for defenses like: “My ex cheated on me. That’s why I’m so insecure.” “I’m only acting this way because I’m scared to lose you.” “Relationships are hard. This is just me trying to make it work.” “I’m just dealing with a lot emotionally right now. I can’t help it if I lash out.”
“I can’t believe you’re wearing that; it’s so ugly.” Narcissists often use harsh criticisms to control people. Their entitlement makes them think our tastes should bend at the will of their tastes. Oftentimes, they’ll try to make it seem like their comments are constructive and in our best interest. However, they often sound something like: “Ew. I can’t believe you like this restaurant.” “We shouldn’t go there. We’re too good for that place.” “If you listen to this kind of music, people will think you’re dumb.” “Nobody wants to see you post this.”
“Your friends give me weird vibes; you should stop seeing them.” Narcissists feel most powerful in 1-on-1 settings when they feel they can control a relationship. Thus, they’ll often try to find ways to isolate you so they can have you all to themselves. They’ll try to break up anyone who might get between you two with comments like: “She’s crazy. You can’t trust her.” “Stop telling your friends stuff about me.” “Your kids are too needy. It’s time you cut them off.” “I don’t think your family likes me, so maybe we should avoid them for a while.”
“I’ve been in more relationships, so I know how they should work.” Narcissists rationalize by placing themselves in positions of false authority. They’ll look for partners with less life experience than them or find ways to place themselves above you intellectually. In some cases, they may even lie to achieve a sense of superiority. “You don’t know anything about business. I used to work in marketing.” “I’m older. You’ll understand why I’m right once you get to my age.” “I’m the local here. I know what I’m talking about.” “Trust me. I know what I’m talking about, unlike you.”
“You’re overreacting.” One of the most common forms of narcissistic manipulation is gaslighting. They’ll lie or question your reality so you’re constantly second-guessing yourself. They do this most often to avoid responsibility or to mold you to fit their distorted sense of self. You might hear them say gaslighting phrases like: “I never said that.” “Stop exaggerating.” “It’s not a big deal.” “Can’t we just focus on the positives?”
“You did this to yourself.” Narcissists will find ways to shift the blame to you whenever they can since accepting responsibility would require them to take responsibility and admit shame (which they struggle with). They’ll point out your flaws or shift the topic to something completely different like: “Well, you’re not perfect either!” “You should’ve said something earlier.” “You’re better than attacking me like this.” “Why are you always so dramatic? You’re hard to be with.”
“You’re lucky I love you so much.” Narcissists will find ways to posture themselves as the superior person in the relationship. They’ll build themselves up or, in particularly unhealthy dynamics, find ways to tear you down. “You should be thankful I give you this much attention.” “This is the best you’re ever gonna get.” “You don’t deserve my kindness.” “Nobody else will love you like me.”
“You don’t know what you’re talking about.” The final phase of narcissistic relationships is usually one of dismissal. They’ll stop taking your opinions into account altogether. Conversations may stop feeling mutual since they’re often just waiting to make things about them again. They may shut you down by saying: “Shut up.” “What I say is final.” “Nobody asked for your opinion.” “We’re doing this because I said so.”
Signs of Narcissistic Behavior
Narcissists have a grandiose level of self-importance. Narcissists generally believe they’re better or more unique than everybody else. This doesn’t necessarily mean they’re arrogant. Rather, they believe they deserve better than the rest of the world. They regularly toot their own horns and find ways to make conversations about them.
Narcissists may deceive themselves into believing their own fantasies. To protect themselves from insecurity, shame, and loneliness, narcissists trick themselves with delusions of having unlimited power, success, and love from others. Unfortunately, this inflated (and unrealistic) sense of self limits their empathy, since other people’s feelings take place outside of their fantasy world where they have full control.
Narcissists have a constant need for praise and admiration. In a narcissist’s mind, they’re the center of the universe. They often seek relationships with people who are able to constantly affirm them (though they rarely reciprocate). When the people in their lives stop filling their compulsive need for love and approval, they become hostile, manipulative, or just leave without warning.
Narcissists have an unearned sense of entitlement. They believe they’re right about everything and deserve more opportunities than everybody else. This makes communication with them difficult since they can rarely see other points of view. It also means that, when they’re not given every opportunity (i.e. a friend receives a promotion, meets someone special, has a cool celebrity encounter instead of them), they find ways to devalue everyone else so they can rationalize themselves as above others.
Dealing with a Narcissist
Gather a support system of empathetic, like-minded people. Since narcissists have distorted senses of reality, it can be difficult to reason with them. The best way to handle a narcissistic loved one is to find other loved ones who display compassion, see your point of view, and understand the difficulty of being in a narcissistic relationship. Let these people become a home base for you to affirm your identity and self-worth any time you’re mistreated by narcissistic behavior. There are several therapy and support groups for loved ones of narcissists. Look into one in your local area or visit the Help Within Reach for resources on handling narcissistic behaviors.
Try to accept narcissists the way they are. Not every narcissist is capable of change. If you’re in a situation where you have to be in close proximity to a narcissist (a parent, a boss, a sibling), you may have to do some mental gymnastics on your own to keep your peace. Recognize narcissists’ limitations: they likely won’t be able to fulfill your emotional needs, or give you attention. Try not to hold this against them and, instead, find other people in your life who can. Oftentimes, it’s best to just avoid expressing your needs with narcissists altogether. While this may sound hurtful, it’s simply not worth the emotional pain of being vulnerable and having them constantly turn your feelings back on them.
Avoid internalizing their negative comments and feelings. Narcissists’ larger-than-life personalities mean they may lash out at you when something doesn’t go their way. Operating from a place of insecurity, they’re also likely to get defensive if you try to call them out for their hurtful behavior. Remind yourself after each negative interaction that their comments aren’t personal. They’re not accurate reflections of who you are and it’s best to simply let it go. For example, you may say “I am worthy of love. This insult is due to their insecurity” a few times after a frustrating argument. Reach out to other friends and loved ones if you need external reminders not to internalize a narcissist’s comments.
Focus on your needs and build a life outside of them. Narcissists have a tendency to make your needs feel like they aren’t as important, but they are. Prioritize time alone and engage in activities that allow you to discover your own emotional needs away from your narcissistic loved one. You could try meditating to get in touch with your inner thoughts or painting so you can express your feelings in a creative way. You might also try: Journaling. Writing down your feelings on a day-to-day basis can help provide clarity and get you more in touch with your emotions. If you like, you can use 2 separate journals: one to vent your frustrations about your narcissistic relationship and one that’s just about you. Exercising. Getting your body moving can help relieve anger, anxiety, and stress. Working your muscles instead of your mind can also provide clarity to repressed emotions. Reading. Reading up on other people’s experiences (fiction or non-fiction) can help give you new tools to articulate your emotions.
Seek counseling to talk about your experiences dealing with narcissists. There are hundreds of thousands of therapists who have professional experience helping people build their lives outside of narcissistic friends, partners, and family members. Look into a professional in your area who specializes in narcissistic behavior. Talking to them a few times a month can help you express your feelings in a healthy way and learn coping strategies for future problems.
Establish firm boundaries and stand by them. The best way to fight back against narcissistic behavior is to establish healthy boundaries that clearly explain what you will and won’t tolerate. Try and be as gentle as possible, but make the consequences clear if your narcissistic loved one violates them. For example, you might say “I’m not okay with you getting between me and my friends. I love you, but if you continue disrespecting them, I don’t think I can have you in my life.” Your narcissistic loved one might be hurt by you setting these boundaries and use strategies to try and get you to revoke them. They may say you’re being unreasonable and likely resort to mean-spirited insults. Ignore these manipulation techniques and stand your ground. If this person continues to violate your boundaries, this is often the last straw. It may be time to end your relationship.
How to Leave a Narcissist
Document any patterns of narcissistic abuse. Once you’ve decided to cut a narcissist from your life completely, start keeping a discreet list of all the narcissistic behaviors that you can identify. This will help you articulate to others why you need to get out. Plus, you’ll be able to refer back to these notes any time you have second thoughts and remind yourself why this was a healthy decision in the first place. For example, you might write “Brandon has called me lazy and ugly multiple times this week. He doesn’t listen when I say it hurts my feelings. I can’t handle this disrespect.” Having a record of their behavior can also provide an objective account of their actions if they try to manipulate you into staying.
Gather a support system to help you leave. Leaving a loved one is trying; have a group of friends ready to help you deal with the emotional turmoil of cutting this person out of your life. Ask to have them on speed dial so, on days when you’re sad and lonely, they can reinforce why you made the right decision. You can also ask to sleep at one of their places for a few nights if you’re leaving a co-living situation with a narcissist. Start discreetly assembling people to help you leave a few weeks (or even months) before you decide to actually get up and go. The more prepared you are, the easier the process will be.
Leave with as little confrontation as possible. Telling a narcissist you’re ending your relationship can be volatile. When telling them why you’re leaving, try to keep your explanation about yourself and why you’re unhappy, rather than telling them why their behaviors are unacceptable. Even if they’re the problem, it’s unlikely a narcissist will listen to criticism; it may even make things worse. If you’re dealing with narcissistic abuse, it’s totally reasonable to leave without an explanation altogether. Block their number, and prioritize your safety.
Seek help if you’ve dealt with narcissistic abuse. Narcissists can leave emotional scars behind, even after we cut them out of our lives. It’s totally normal if you’re suffering from low self-esteem, a lack of identity, or codependence after a close relationship with a narcissist. There are plenty of people who want to help you discover your value and sense of self. Talk to a therapist or a friend, or seek out fellow abuse survivors to recognize you’re not alone. While talking to others can help you heal, practicing self-care alone can also help you get in touch with the inner you. Try spending some time in nature, taking a nice bubble bath, or simply listening to peaceful music.
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