Try new activities together.
Novel experiences mimic the old days when everything felt new. Plan a date where you and your partner do something neither of you has ever done before. It could be as simple as trying a new restaurant or as adventurous as bungee jumping. As long as you feel a spark of excitement together, renewed passion will follow. Try things like: Traveling to a new place for a weekend getaway Taking a cooking or art class together Taking up a new hobby together like hiking or crossfit When we're learning something new, it naturally evokes nervous and excited feelings, which is likely how you felt about your partner when you first met them. By doing a new shared activity together, you can reignite those old feelings you had when you first met.
Surprise your partner.
Small surprises keep spontaneity and excitement alive. Grand gestures like surprise vacations or lavish gifts aren’t necessary. Small, thoughtful things like sending your partner a card in the mail or surprising them at work for lunch will keep things fresh and fun for both of you.Experiment with little things like: Bringing your partner coffee or breakfast in bed Leaving short love notes in their work bag or stuck to the bathroom mirror Revealing a secret stash of their favorite snacks after a hard day at work Planning a surprise date Treating them to dinner at a new restaurant
Take a mini-vacation together.
It’s important to prioritize quality alone time together to reconnect. Choose a location that interests both of you and stay for at least one night and 2 days. Remove as many distractions as you can—cell phones, work emails, your mental to-do list at home—so you can fully enjoy each other’s company. A trip itinerary isn’t necessary. Strive for as much relaxing, unpressured time as possible so you can truly do whatever you want together in the moment.
Stay curious about your partner.
The spark stays alive when you're genuinely interested in your partner. Human beings are complex and ever-changing. Ask them questions and explore the depth of their personality and experiences—you might know them very well, but you can’t possibly know what they’re thinking or feeling 100% of the time. Learning about someone is an ongoing process, not a to-do item you can check off. The spark will return as you start getting to know them again with fresh ears. Curiosity builds when you get time apart to have separate experiences. Bonding happens when you make time to get together and share those experiences.
Communicate, communicate, communicate.
It’s healthy to tell your partner what you want and need. It might feel embarrassing or vulnerable, but remember that comforting you is a pleasure to your partner (not a burden). By communicating your needs, you’re avoiding confusion and giving your partner the tools they need to make you feel loved, excited, and passionate again. Be very open—communicate your emotional, social, or sexual wants. It’s the first step of moving forward and reinvigorating your relationship. Being vulnerable by taking risks and opening up emotionally about your fears, joys, hopes, and dreams is extremely important. Be a good listener for your partner. Make them feel valued and understood so you can address their needs and strengthen your connection. Watch your partner’s body language during these talks. Their eye contact, tone, posture, gestures, or hand motions communicate even more about their feelings than their words do. For example, if they say “I’m not mad” with a clenched jaw, chances are they actually are mad.
Re-create your first date.
Reliving the moment you met will make you feel that initial spark all over. Travel back in time and go on your first date again. Capture as many details as you can—go to the same bar if it’s still open, wear the same outfit, listen to the same music. If you arrived separately or had friends with you when you met, include them too! You’ll get to see your partner the way you did in the past—mysterious, charming, new, and exciting. A good reenactment takes time and planning. That’s OK! Working together to set up your date will open you both up to getting in the right mindset when the time comes. If a full recreation is too complex, spend some quality time reminiscing about old times. Tell stories about how you met, what attracted you to each other, or when you knew you were in love.
Tell your partner what you love about them.
This will remind you why you love them and make them feel loved, too. Over the course of a day, both of you can make an “I love you” list of everything you love about each other. Write down anything you can think of, no matter how insignificant or silly. At the end of the day, sit close and share your lists with each other. Include things like: “I love how you sing to yourself while you cook.” “I love when you make a snow angel every time you shovel the driveway.” “I love the way you misspell ‘achieve’ every time it comes up.”
Express your appreciation for your partner.
Your partner needs to know you’re glad to be with them. Being loved and feeling loved are two different things, and your passion will rekindle when you both feel needed and appreciated every day. Tell each other “I’m glad you’re here” at least 3 times daily and watch as the excitement and jitters return to your relationship. Make sure your body language matches your words. Eye contact plus a kiss, hug, or stroke of the face or lower back shows your partner you mean what you say.
Dream big.
Fantasize about all you could do together to keep the passion alive. Each of you can make an “It would be amazing if…” list one day. Jot down anything you’d love to do together or that you’d love for your partner to do for you. At the end of the day, share your lists with each other and pick a few dream scenarios to do for real! Your list can include anything from the mundane to the extravagant, like: “It would be amazing if you could stop answering work calls at home.” “It would be amazing if we finally went on that Italian vacation we’ve been dreaming about.” “It would be amazing if you’d let me spoil you now and then.”
Do activities that get your heart pumping.
When your heart races around your partner, your brain attributes that arousal to them. Do something active together, like exercising or dancing—when you look at your partner and feel that adrenaline, you’ll be transported back to a time when just a glance at them made your heart flutter. Try arousing activities like: Going to an amusement park Watching a scary movie or psychological thriller Challenging each other to a race or other athletic competition
Play games together.
Having fun and laughing gets you excited to spend time together. Relationships are supposed to be entertaining! Don’t feel afraid or “too mature” to play silly games and make fools out of yourselves—things like snowball fights, board games, and playful dares can shake things up and bring you closer to each other (and often lead to intimacy afterwards, too). The possibilities are endless: Challenge each other in video games Play games of wit or humor like Cards Against Humanity or Jackbox Games Add a sexy twist to a classic game, like strip poker
Touch more often.
Affectionate touching bonds you physically and emotionally. It doesn’t have to be sexual in nature—something simple like hand holding or hugging produces comfort and arousal for both of you at the same time. Any reminder that you’re physically connected will bring you closer and instigate a fresh wave of passion. Try things like: Cuddling on the couch during a rainy afternoon Holding your partner’s waist while you’re standing around at a party Placing your hand on your partner’s thigh while you’re sitting next to each other
Take the pressure off of sex.
Sometimes, sex causes more stress than pleasure. Communicate your anxieties or needs and then take a break. There are other ways to be physically intimate without having intercourse like cuddling, showering together, or just enjoying foreplay. When the pressure’s gone, there’s more room to explore, enjoy contact, and let yourself feel arousal. Make a goal to reconnect physically regardless of whether sex is on the table or not. If spontaneity is not working, try scheduling sex dates for times when you’re both relaxed and receptive to intimacy. Keep your expectations low. When full intercourse isn’t the goal, performance anxiety is relieved and you have space to explore each other’s bodies and luxuriate in new sensations.
Spice things up in the bedroom.
Grow closer to your partner by exploring new sensations and pleasures. For starters, try switching up who initiates sex—if it’s the same partner each time, flipping the tables once in a while can be a fun and spontaneous idea. Communicate your sexual fantasies and try them out. Role playing, using toys, and watching porn or masturbating together are erotic new ways to spice things up. Try a “no sex” day to let the tension build. Dress in a way that makes you feel attractive. Keeping your work clothes on all evening can inhibit your arousal or energy for intimacy.
Focus on yourself.
Personal growth is linked to high levels of intimacy in relationships. When you experience growth or expansion, you feel invigorated and optimistic and bring that energy home to your relationship. Explore hobbies and activities that make you feel interesting and your partner will find you more interesting, too. Try activities that help you gain more personal insight and self-awareness, like meditation, journaling, or just changing up your daily routine. Make time every week to do something just for yourself. Even if you can only spare an hour or less, it’ll still work wonders for your relationship.
Be prepared for ups and downs.
Intimacy and passion are ongoing projects. People and circumstances change over time and present new challenges. Be open to change—it’ll happen whether you want it to or not—and stay flexible so you and your partner can grow together during good times and bad times. Outside stressors can affect your relationship. During rough times, try not to take your problems out on your partner or to force a solution. Remain a team and problem solve together.
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