How to Find a Cuddle Buddy (and Make It Work)

What is a cuddle buddy?

A cuddle buddy is someone who offers platonic, non-sexual physical affection. Cuddling doesn’t have to be reserved for romantic or sexual relationships—we all need affection and physical touch now and then! Cuddle buddies are people who will give you that, but without the expectation of things progressing further. Your cuddle buddy might be someone you know and with whom you’ve set up some ground rules about the nature of your relationship, but there are also cuddle buddy social events in which you cuddle with consenting strangers. You could also hire a professional cuddle buddy to offer you physical affection, or even become a professional cuddle buddy yourself!

Cuddle Buddy vs. Friend with Benefits

Friends with benefits engage in platonic sexual activity. Part of the point of a cuddle buddy, on the other hand, is that there’s no expectation for sex—just good old-fashioned snuggling up together! A friends with benefits relationship involves sex, but without the emotional intimacy or commitment of a romantic relationship. Of course, these are the differences in broad strokes—the particulars of a friends with benefits or cuddle buddies relationship depends on the people involved and the rules they’ve outlined together. For instance, some friends with benefits may agree not to hang out outside the bedroom to avoid becoming more emotionally intimate and endangering the platonicness of the relationship. Cuddle buddies, too, may establish rules around what sort of cuddling is allowed—for example, maybe they’d allow hugging

Cuddle Buddy Rules

Avoid picking someone you have feelings for. To clarify, that means romantic or sexual feelings, not positive, warm feelings generally (you probably should cuddle with someone who you like and feel safe around!). But picking an ex you’re not over or someone you’ve got a crush on and hope to date someday isn’t advisable. It’s not just unfair to you to agree to a relationship that can’t give you what you want, it’s unfair to your buddy to agree to be platonic when you’re harboring secret more-than-friends feelings.

Agree on ground rules with your buddy. Before embarking on a cuddle buddy journey with someone, set some basic ground rules about what you want from the relationship and what you expect from the other person. Be sure you both clarify exactly what you’re looking for (and not looking for) and what you’re comfortable with, and that you understand the other person’s boundaries. It’s imperative to respect your cuddle buddy’s boundaries and to find a cuddle buddy whom you trust to respect your boundaries as well. For instance, maybe in your cuddle buddy relationship, kissing is allowed, but French kissing isn’t. State this from the get-go and be sure your buddy understands and agrees.

Keep your clothes on while cuddling. The point of a cuddle buddy relationship is that things don’t cross over into sexual territory. Generally speaking, removing clothes crosses that line, so unless you and your buddy have explicit rules stating that it’s OK to remove clothes, stay dressed during your snuggle sesh!

Groom yourself before cuddling. Practice good hygiene before snuggling up with someone: shower regularly, apply deodorant, wear clean clothes—basic stuff. Depending on your cuddle buddy, they may appreciate you doing more or less than this. Make sure you have a solid understanding of what you both expect as far as hygiene goes.

Avoid watching sexy movies together. Cuddle buddies often meet up to literally Netflix and chill, but one steamy sex scene can compromise the integrity of the cuddle buddy relationship. As a general rule, avoid movies with explicit sex or anything that might set either of your loins aflame. Maybe this also means not lighting candles or cuddling in your bed or anything that might signify “sexy time.” It’s up to you and your buddy, but be aware of what might trigger sexy feelings or impulses and try to avoid them.

Try not to get jealous of your buddy’s other buddies or lovers. You and your buddy might be exclusive, or you might not be. In either case, if jealousy rears its ugly head, it’s a sign you’re feeling more emotionally attached to your buddy than you probably should be. If you find yourself getting possessive of your buddy, take a step back and reevaluate whether you should continue with the relationship. If you get jealous, don’t beat yourself up about it—it happens to the best of us! But like a friends with benefits relationship, the cuddle buddy relationship is most successful when both partners aren’t possessive of one another.

Check in with your buddy regularly. Remember that the rules of the cuddle buddy relationship aren’t hard and fast, and your boundaries can change over time to become more or less flexible. Plus, your feelings towards your buddy will likely change over time as well. For these reasons, checking in every few weeks or months (your mileage may vary) to see how your buddy is doing with the relationship and to see if any rules need reevaluating is always a good idea. Try asking something like, “Now that we’ve been doing this for X weeks, I wanted to see how you’re feeling about everything. Any rules need revisiting or tweaked?” If you want to address something, try, “When we first started doing this, I felt fine with lying down and cuddling, but I actually think it’s feeling a little too intimate to me now. Can we just stick to sitting up and cuddling?”

Benefits of Cuddling

Cuddling is good for your health. The physical and mental health benefits of hugging and cuddling—even with strangers—are well-documented: hugging can decrease stress, boost your immune system, and help you feel more connected to others, which can help you feel safe and less alone.

It’s a great way to stay warm. Cuddle buddies are great to have year-round, but especially during those cold winter months. Snuggling up with a friend can provide you with some welcome extra body heat!

Cuddling helps you sleep. Cuddling releases oxytocin, the feel-good chemical, which can help you feel calm and safe. Cuddling before bedtime tells your brain that you're secure, which can lower anxiety and defensiveness, priming you for a great night's sleep.

It’s less stressful and requires less commitment than a relationship. Relationships can be amazing, but they also take dedication and energy. So if you don’t want to deal with that (or are just between partners and in need of some physical touch), a cuddle buddy could be just what the doctor ordered: some no-strings-attached, expectation-less snuggling. Cuddle buddies are also great if you’re asexual or aromantic, but still want to enjoy the snuggly benefits that tend to accompany romantic or sexual relationships—minus the sex and romance.

Cuddling boosts your self-esteem. Not only does cuddling with someone make you happier, it can also make you feel better about yourself. Cuddling isn’t inherently sexually intimate, but it’s still a form of intimacy, and being touched intimately can make us feel wanted, worthwhile, and loved.

How do I find a cuddle buddy?

Ask a friend if they’ll be a cuddle buddy. Have a friend you don’t have romantic or sexual feelings for but who you’d love to cuddle with while watching a movie? Consider asking directly if they’d be up for a platonic cuddling arrangement. You could also ask a family member you’re close to if they’d cuddle with you. Some people fall into cuddle buddy-esque relationships with platonic pals naturally, but it’s typically best to be straightforward about your needs, expectations, and boundaries to make sure no lines get crossed. Hey, Jeff, we get along so well, and you’re so friendly and fun, that I was wondering if you’d be interested in a cuddle buddy relationship, where we sometimes cuddle while we’re hanging out but without things moving beyond the platonic cuddle zone? Ally, you’re one of my best friends and I feel so safe with you! Since we’re both pretty physically affectionate people, do you think you’d be down for a cuddle buddy arrangement, where we snuggle but without things escalating any further?

Use an app to find someone in your area to cuddle with. Apps like Cuddle Comfort match you with a professional cuddler in your area, similar to a dating app—but without the dating part. So the next time you feel in need of some physical attention (or just want a hug without the expectation that things will go further) scroll the app to find a cuddle buddy in your area! Apps are great ways to find willing buddies if you don’t have a friend you can start a cuddle buddy relationship with, or if you’re nervous about approaching a friend to be your cuddle buddy.

Check out cuddle buddy internet forums for available buddies near you. Cuddling is a two-way street! There are loads of people online interested in platonic snuggling without the possibility of the relationship turning sexual. Check out the cuddle buddies subreddit, for instance, to find postings by available cuddle buddies in your area. Just practice extreme caution when meeting up with anyone from the internet, and be sure to meet in a public place first before agreeing to meet them in private, let alone cuddle with them.

Consider cuddling with a body pillow. While body pillows aren’t the same as real people, snuggling with a body pillow—especially if it’s shaped like a person or animal—can help you feel safer and more secure. Whether you’re missing a person you’re used to cuddling with (like an ex, a partner who’s away, or an actual cuddle buddy), a body pillow can be a solid substitute. Body pillows are also great options for people who’d rather not cuddle with a real person.

Can I pay someone to cuddle me?

You can attend a cuddle buddy party with consenting strangers. Companies like Cuddle Party facilitate cuddle buddy social events around the country, at which you may cuddle with other consenting adults. Cuddle buddy events not only offer needed physical interaction and affection, but teach participants about how to explore their own boundaries and assert them and to practice consent with others. Ticket prices to attend a cuddle party vary, but you can generally expect to pay between $30-$40.

You may be able to hire a professional cuddle buddy. Depending on where you live, there may be professional cuddlers you can pay to cuddle with you. Try searching “professional cuddle buddies in [your area]” for available cuddlers—but thoroughly research any company before agreeing to meet with anyone or paying any money. Some cuddle buddy companies have been known to scam clients.