How to Get Your Boyfriend to Move In

Discussing Your Needs

Tell him that you want to live together. Expressing your desire to live with your boyfriend is the first step toward opening a dialogue about cohabitation. Telling him simply that you would like to move in together will leave little to no confusion in what you are saying. Set a time to sit down together and discuss the possibility of cohabitation. Timing is important. Don't pressure him to move in early on in the relationship and try to bring up the conversation without conflict. Allot a significant amount of time to this conversation. Not only will you have many things to discuss, but it will also demonstrate the conversation's importance. Start the conversation by expressing your satisfaction with the relationship and describing what you would like to continue, such as “I love spending time with you and I want to do more of it.”

Explain why you want to live together. Explaining your reasons, now that you've opened up a clear line of dialogue, around why you want to move in together will help put this phase of your relationship in perspective. There are many reasons why couples move in together, like financial convenience, a step toward marriage or partnership, greater intimacy, or having children together. Give serious thought as to why you want to move in together. If it's about finances, make a budget with both of your incomes. If it's about moving toward marriage or partnership explain how you see moving in together is a step in the right direction. Try to give specific examples, like “We could both save so much money by sharing rent,” or “I really want marriage and children in the future, and living together is the next step in realizing that goal.”

Describe what is currently missing from your relationship. Moving in together can also provide opportunities to experience missing elements in your relationship. Perhaps you both have busy professional lives and cannot spend much time together, have opposite schedules making quality time scarce, or your relationship is lacking stronger intimacy. Whatever the reason, explaining what you believe to be missing form the relationship and how moving in together can be a step in right direction will help your boyfriend understand your needs. Use “I” statements when describing what you think is missing from your relationship. Instead of saying something like “You do not spend enough time with me” try something closer to “I think our relationship could benefit from us spending more time together.”

Planning Your Future Together

Discuss your relationship's future. Discuss and determine your relationship goals with one another. Being on the same page with each other about the future of your relationship, whether that is marriage or partnership, children, or simply cohabitation, will ultimately strengthen your relationship and sort out priorities. If you both have different ideas of what your future holds, as in one of you wants a long-term cohabiting relationship and the other doesn't, then it might be best to end the relationship sooner than later. EXPERT TIP Elvina Lui, MFT Elvina Lui, MFT Relationship Expert Elvina Lui is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist specializing in relationship counseling based in the San Francisco Bay Area. Elvina received her Masters in Counseling from Western Seminary in 2007 and trained under the Asian Family Institute in San Francisco and the New Life Community Services in Santa Cruz. She has over 13 years of counseling experience and is trained in the harm reduction model. Elvina Lui, MFT Elvina Lui, MFT Relationship Expert Think about how you can each support each others' goals. Elvina Lui, Marriage and Family Therapist, tells us: "Even dreams that aren't directly intertwined can bond a couple. Each of you might have dreams that don't directly involve the other person, but if that is the case, you two can still be the biggest supporters of each other, giving constant encouragement and validation, as well as providing practical help at times that allow the other person to reach their goals."

Respect his space. Moving in together is a big step and many people take time to overcome their reservations about cohabitation. Acknowledge your boyfriend's experience and desires and give him space and time to come around. Giving him his space to sort out his resistance will show your care and commitment to the relationship. Avoid pressuring him into “wanting” to live together. Cohabitation is a big commitment and should be a mutual decision. Respecting your boyfriend's space does not mean forgetting about moving in together. Be sure to set a time to return to the conversation after he's had time to think about it.

Discuss finances. Finances can control a significant amount of timing in a relationship. You may not be in a place financially stable enough to move out of where you currently live, or one of you might make significantly more than the other. Whatever the issue or imbalance, discussing your finances will help you both be on the same page about the possibility of moving in together. Lay out all of your financial information: credit score, credit card debt or student loans, income, assets, and other financial obligations. Discuss how the rent and bills will be divided. Remember, fair is not always equal.

Introducing Cohabitation

Have your boyfriend move a few items into your house. Having your boyfriend move a few small items into your house will introduce the idea and routine of living together. Move small items that need to be used daily in order to have the full effect of living in the same space with one another. The more items he eventually brings over to your apartment the easier moving in together will be. Have him bring hygiene products, a change of clothes, and items he might need for work so that he does not need to go back to his house or apartment before starting his day.

Spend more nights together than apart. The more time you spend together in the same house or apartment the easier it will be to associate that place with home. He will also be able to get an idea of what it will be like to live together by having to share daily space, routines, and chores. Make sure that at least some of the nights he is spending at your apartment are work nights so that he can begin to get a feel for his new routine. Try giving him a task, like DIY repairs or rearranging the furniture, so that he can feel he has an active role in your house or apartment.

Give him a key. Giving him a key will both demonstrate your desire to live together as well as give him unfettered access to your apartment or house. A key might also be needed for more practical reasons, like checking up on your apartment when you are out of town or grabbing something for you before you decide to meet. However, once he has a key, tell him to let himself in when he comes over so that he can get used to using his key. The more he uses the key the more likely he will be associating your house or apartment with home. If he doesn't already have a key to your apartment, try to give it to him in a fun or meaningful way, like while on a date or a “special” delivery at work.