Showing You're Trustworthy
Be responsible. Before you even seek out your parents' permission for an activity, show them how responsible you are. You need to be doing this for a while, too, not just in the few days leading up to your asking. Your parents are more likely to say yes to you if they perceive you as responsible and trustworthy. Here are some ways you can indicate you are responsible: Do all your chores without needing to be asked or reminded. Take on additional responsibilities around the house. Help out with your younger siblings and pets. Entertain your siblings, help them with their homework, or take the dog for a walk. Showing your parents you can be responsible for others helps them see that you can be responsible for yourself. Be active in your community. Volunteer somewhere, or be involved in sports or school activities. This shows responsibility by keeping your commitments or working toward a goal. Be conscientious. Let your parents see how you take the initiative to take care of others: Rake your elderly neighbor's leaves, call your grandma every week, or visit a sick friend in the hospital.
Make sure you're doing well in school. Stay up to date on your homework and class projects, and make sure your grades are good. Not only does how you're doing in school reflect your trustworthiness, but it also gives your parents a great reason to say no. If you have bad grades, they might use that as a reason why you can't do the activity! Keep track of your assignments and show your parents what you have to work on. Bring home graded papers and exams and show your parents how you did. Take the initiative to get extra help from your teachers if you need it. Stay after school or get help during lunch. Your parents will be impressed with your willingness to work hard.
Tell the truth. Have a track record of honesty before you ever ask permission for an activity. Your parents need to know that they can count on you to be honest about who you will be with and where you are going. Make sure you come clean when you are caught. Apologize and be honest about your screw-ups. Your parents might be angry, but this will help them see that you want to do better and learn from the experience. Acknowledge that you have hurt their feelings if you have been caught in a lie. Expect it to take a while for your parents to regain their trust in you. If you were caught lying, understand that you have broken a bond with your parents. That can't be repaired overnight. It will take you consistently demonstrating you are honest and trustworthy (perhaps by taking some of the actions above) in order to build that trust level back up.
Providing Your Parents With Information
Set a time to talk. Tell your parents that you have something you want to discuss with them. Ask when would be a good time to sit down and talk. It's a good idea to set aside some time so that your parents will be focused on talking to you. If you try to ask them about something as everyone is getting ready to leave in the morning, for example, you might find them flustered and distracted. Calling a meeting also indicates to your parents that you take their permission seriously and that you understand it is important for them to be involved in your life. You want to show them you are mature enough to accept their input. For example, you could mention you want to talk when they get home from work. “Do you think we could talk for a few minutes after dinner tonight? I want to ask your permission for something.” If they ask what for, you could be more specific: “I want to ask your permission to go to a party.” But tell them you'd rather give them all the information at once, when they are focused and ready to hear it.
Be specific. Give them a specific event you want to go to or activity you want to do. They will be more likely to say yes if you can give them details about one particular activity. For example, you could say “Brian has an extra ticket to the baseball game on Friday night. Can I go with him?” Your parents will be more likely to approve this request than “Can I start going to games with my friends?”
Be patient and polite. Your parents are going to have a lot of questions. It might be annoying, but getting irritated with them is not going to help your cause. Remember, you are trying to get them to agree to something! Answer all their questions, even if they ask them several times. Don't say, “I already told you!” Just repeat your answer politely. Don't get confrontational or defensive. A bad attitude is going to sour your chances to get what you want.For example, you might want to say, “I feel like you don't trust me when you say I'm not allowed to stay out until ten o'clock,” instead of “You never let me stay out later! All my friends can stay out until 10:30!”
Answer their questions. Come prepared to your conversation with all the relevant information. Be prepared to answer the following questions: Who? Let your parents know who will be at this event and if there will be parents present. Give them contact information. What? Tell them what specific event you are interested in attending, or what specific activity you want to do. Say “I want to go get coffee and see a movie with Brandon,” not “I want to go out with a friend.” Where? Give the location of the event or activity, including a specific house address if needed. When? Let them know the date and time of the event, and how long you'd expect to be gone. How (much)? Be prepared to answer how you will get to the activity, and how much it will cost. Why? This question might not come up. You should answer it anyway. And it might be more annoying to answer, but it will showcase your maturity if you answer it thoughtfully, not reluctantly. For example, you could say, “The reason why I really want to go the party on Saturday is because most of my friends are going to be there. We don't get to hang out outside of school much because everyone is always busy with sports or jobs after school.”
Making Your Case
Anticipate your parents' concerns and find solutions. Be proactive and problem-solve ahead of time. This helps show your parents that you are responsible and understand their concerns. You might know your parents are always concerned about you being home by your curfew. Let them know you've thought ahead to how you will ensure that won't be a problem. For example, “If you're worried about my ride being unreliable, I will use the Uber app on my phone to make sure I get home on time.” If you have a friend they don't like who is going to be at the event, you could say, “I know you don't like me hanging out with Kyle. He'll be at the party, but I won't go anywhere with him.”
Give them time to think about it. Even though it might not seem like a big deal to you, it might be a big deal to your parents. Don't expect an answer right away. After you have your discussion, give them a day to think about it before you bring it up again. The next day, you could say, “Have you guys had a chance to think about letting me go to Peyton's party on Saturday?”
Let them talk to other adults involved. Just like you may talk to your friends before you make a decision, your parents might want to learn more about what you want to do from your friends' parents or your teachers (if it is a school activity). Be patient with them, and help them connect with the other adults if you can. Get them your friends' parents' phone numbers and/or email addresses if you haven't already. Let them know how they can contact your teacher or coach, if this is a school-related event.
Respecting Their Decision
Agree to their conditions. Maybe your parents are willing to say yes to you, so long as you are willing to compromise. Remember that they have the upper hand in this situation, so it's probably best to not argue and agree to what they want. For example: They may want to meet your friend and/or your friend's parents. They may want to drive you somewhere and pick you up, instead of you getting a ride from a friend. They may want you home at a certain time.
Follow through. If your parents gave you permission, you need to hold up your end of the bargain. Do everything you said you would do. You are building up your level of trust with them, and they will be more likely to say yes to you again! For example, if you said you would be home at ten and your friend Jamila was driving, get home at ten in Jamila's car. It's okay to be a few minutes late, but more than fifteen minutes might look like you are trying to take advantage of them.
Ask questions. If they decided to say no, ask them why. Do it when you are calm (so probably not right after they tell you no, since you will likely be upset). Try to keep your emotions in check and not get angry with them. You could say, “I'm trying to understand why I can't go out with Jackson on Friday night. Why did you decide to say no?” Ask what you could do in the future to get them to say yes. See if there is an alternative they would agree to. For example, “Would it be okay if Jackson comes over here?”
Accept their decision. It is extremely disappointing when you are not allowed to do something. However, sneaking behind your parents' back, as tempting as it is, is not the answer. Getting caught means breaking their trust and not being allowed to do something else in the future. Think of other things you can do instead. Find other friends to do another approved activity. Get some perspective. It seems like a huge deal now, but this is probably not something that will matter much down the road. Think back to a time when you were younger that was disappointing (like not getting invited to a birthday party, or not making the soccer team). How much does that matter to you now as you're older? Remember that accepting their decision means that your parents will think you are trustworthy, which means that you will have a better chance of them saying yes next time.
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