Processing Your Grief
Let it all out. Right now, while you’re in deep pain, it’s important to find some measure of relief or release and process your emotions. Slow down, give yourself some privacy, and let yourself cry, shout, or write about the person you’re mourning. When you get in touch with your feelings in the best way that you can, you’ll give yourself an outlet that’ll help your healing journey. If you find that you’re in shock and can’t cry, that’s also okay—everyone grieves in different ways. Writing in a journal during a time of sadness can also help you fully express yourself.
Allow yourself to be vulnerable. Release any idea of what you “should” do, like the idea that you “should” seem happy or peppy in social situations. Also free yourself from the pressure of setting unrealistic standards, like acting “composed” or “strong” when you really feel broken down or drained. Instead, share when you are enduring pain or a struggle so others know your emotional truth—remember, you deserve to be heard. Your friends and family members won’t need you to act “tough” or put on a “brave face”—instead, they’ll want to know when they should intervene and help you. Let your loved ones know when you’d benefit from a private moment to talk because you’d feel more comfortable in that situation. Ask for someone you trust to be by your side when you go to social events. They can help calm your nerves and take over conversations if you ever become overwhelmed.
Give yourself a break from your normal routine. When you try to get over the death of someone you love, your normal activities may feel unfulfilling. You may feel drained easily, and find things like work and school to be totally impossible. Right now, just take small steps to take care of yourself. "Bereavement leave" is a leave of absence for people facing grief. Consider asking your superior for time off while you grieve. If you're in the middle of a course or class, reach out to your professors or a school counselor to ask for time off. If you have a goal you've been working towards, like training for a competition or race, give yourself permission to take a pause.
Grief has no set timeline; it comes in waves, and everyone is unique. There may be some days when you feel better and other ones when you’re overcome with sadness. There’s no need to put a timeline on when you’ll heal from your loss. Just allow yourself to fully experience all your feelings and how much you miss your loved one. Show yourself compassion. For example, if your heart still hurts even though years have gone by, embrace how much love you still feel for the person who passed on. Also understand that you’re on your own special journey. Even if some people seem like they “healed” more quickly from grief than you have, all that matters is that you’re honest with yourself and your feelings.
Celebrate your loved one to honor their life. You might want to plan a memorial where everyone comes together to share heartwarming stories, or you may wish to write poetry dedicated to the special person who has passed on. When you make these meaningful gestures, you express gratitude for this individual's impact on your life. You also give yourself the opportunity to focus on the best moments you had with them. Create a scrapbook full of your favorite pictures of this amazing person. Donate to a charity or volunteer for an organization this individual supported. Take part in activities your loved one adored, such as gardening or chess. Plant a tree in honor of the dearly departed to symbolize your eternal love.
Seeking Support
Reach out to your loved ones. Make sure you have a shoulder or two to cry on. Talk to your friends, family members, or even people in your extended social network—like acquaintances on Facebook—and let them know that you’d value their company and consolation. Remember that your friends love you unconditionally, even when you’re sad or would benefit from some space. Express what would comfort you. For example, say, “I’d love it if I could grab tea with you and share our favorite memories of Mom.” Describe how others can lift a burden from you. You might share, “I’m overwhelmed packing up all of Todd’s clothes. Is anyone free this weekend to help me?” Try not to isolate yourself. Instead, tell your friends if you’re not up for big get-togethers and just need one-on-one time.
Join a support group to heal with other mourners. Talking to multiple people who are dealing with similar experiences can help you feel less alone and find new ways to cope. When you develop new relationships in your support group, you'll find individuals who can join you on your journey as you navigate life after loss. Plus, having a support group to go to at least once or twice a week can give you something to look forward to since you’ll be around allies who understand you. Visit GriefShare to find a support group near you. You may find that you feel relieved to share your story with those who are also mourning. You might even make lifelong friends who also honor your loved one and help you enjoy new experiences.
Seek comfort in your faith if you’re religious or spiritual. If you follow a religious practice, spend more time in your faith-based community. Speak about your grief with a spiritual leader and ask for guidance or lines of scripture that can give you a new perspective on death. They may offer wisdom about how to cope in this world or describe beautiful sentiments about an afterlife. When you’re alone, engage in your faith by calling to a higher power through prayer or meditating on your favorite verses. Going to your religious establishment just once a week can give you something positive to look forward to and help you with your routine. Your faith-based community may promote special events, like volunteering opportunities, which can offer a way to lift your spirits by helping others.
Seek out information about the supernatural world if it comforts you. Tons of people report sensing their loved one’s presence in their daily life—it could be in dreams, feelings, or natural events. If you’ve felt this yourself, know that it’s totally normal. And if it feels right to you, consider leaning into this even more. For example if you consult a psychic, you can ask about ways to contact the spirit of your loved one. Research psychic mediums and reach out to the one you feel most drawn to. Write down a list of questions you can ask the spirit of your loved one. Read books that review paranormal activity and encounters with spirits. Consult Tarot cards and pose questions about the dearly departed. Search for everyday signs that your loved one is with you, such as a familiar scent when no one else is in the room or a dream where you speak to the individual who's passed on.
Seek therapy if you're struggling with your mental health. Grief can feel so overwhelming and powerful. But for so many grievers, therapy can be a huge help—and even offer genuine feelings of hope. For extra support, contact a knowledgeable professional—like a trained counselor from BetterHelp—who can talk about your emotional state and recommend the best course of action. Mental health professionals specialize in treating "complicated grief"—intense sadness that lasts longer than 12 months—as well as symptoms associated with it, like clinical depression.
Adopt a pet as a comforting companion during a period of grief. Caring for an animal like a cat or a pet during a time of great loss can improve your mental health and lift your mood. Plus, having a beloved pet can give you a buddy to cuddle and spend time with. Not only does a cute animal provide great company, but looking after one can also give you a renewed sense of purpose. Go to a pet shelter to bring home a rescue animal. If you meet a critter who really needs help, you may feel inspired to give it the best life you can. Raising this pet may also offer you a more hopeful chapter after your period of mourning.
Try to accept people's consolations even if they're not worded perfectly. People may offer sentiments that don't feel helpful to you even if they mean well. Try to subtly and kindly let these people know what kind of support you prefer. For example, tell them if you'd rather talk about a loss than act like your loved one is "in a better place." Your gentle honesty will help others understand your needs. People might share an experience completely different from yours like, "You'll be fine soon! I got back into the swing of things after a couple of months." If your timeline for dealing with loss seems different, feel free to politely tell them this. It may help to tell yourself, "It's the thought that counts." Even if people struggle to find the right words, they definitely want to try to help take away your pain. It's okay to distance yourself from anyone who you feel uncomfortable around—if their words make you feel negatively, then limit the time you spend with them.
Moving Forward
Try not to make big life decisions right away. You may feel like the death of your loved one has made you realize that you need to quit your job, sell your house, or move immediately. While it's understandable to crave a sudden change, take care to reflect on any major transitions. Instead, make sure you talk about your plans with your friends, think about the pros and cons, and wait a few months to see if you're still interested in a shift in circumstances. Since a dramatic transition can take a lot of mental, physical, and emotional energy, they may leave you more exhausted when you're in the middle of grief. Right now, just focus on creating as much balance in your life as you can.
Focus on self-care as well as your health. Though getting 8 hours of sleep or eating a balanced diet may be the furthest thing from your mind when you’re coping with grief, these habits can help you remain emotionally and physically resilient. In order to protect your body and maintain your energy levels as you mourn, try to: Get quality sleep and aim to go to bed and wake up around the same times of the day. Eat a balanced diet with three healthy meals a day that include proteins, organic fruits, vegetables, and healthy carbs. Pay attention to your hygiene. It’s important to shower, bathe, and groom yourself regularly so you feel more ready to face the world. Exercise for at least 30 minutes a day if you can. Even going for a walk can help get your adrenaline pumping and give you a boost of energy.
Slowly work on becoming more social again. As you start feeling like you’re moving forward, try to get out of your comfort zone a bit more. Instead of just spending time watching TV with your friend, venture out to a restaurant with a few people, or even go to a small party if you’re feeling up to it. Though you don’t need to force yourself to go out there before you’re ready, prioritize spending time with your loved ones whenever you crave connection. Remember, you don’t have to fill your social calendar in order to heal. Even if you just accept a small number of invitations, you’re still making great progress. If you’re normally a social drinker, avoid alcohol until you're feeling more balanced and calm. Alcohol is a depressant, and while it may numb the pain at first, it can actually make you feel more sad shortly after you drink it.
Pursue your hobbies and interests. Once you begin to gather your strength, you can go back to activities you love and focus on passions that make you happy. Though you may not feel like watercolor painting, doing yoga, or playing guitar while you're still in the initial shock of grief, you might eventually find yourself missing your favorite pastimes. Set aside at least a few hours each week to do the things you love and let yourself get immersed in them. Devoting yourself to something you care about can help you heal because you may feel a strong sense of purpose. If you’re not up to throwing yourself into a passion, be patient with yourself—it's okay to just distract yourself with activities that require less mental effort, like watching TV.
Continue to pay tribute to the person’s memory. Look over photos or prized possessions that remind you of them, or just take some contemplative walks while you think about this special person. To honor the individual who was special in your life, make it a tradition to honor your loved one with meaningful rituals. On their birthday, flip through pages in the scrapbook you made. During the holidays, share funny or heartwarming stories with your relatives. Every year, visit the tree that you planted to represent your love for this person.
Search for the joy in life again. This step may seem like it’s the hardest to achieve, but you will be able to do it, especially with support from your loved ones. This doesn’t mean you have to “find closure” or stop thinking about the lost person in order to find happiness. No matter where you are on your healing journey, try to find small moments to appreciate, such as a beautiful sunset to an afternoon spent with a good friend. You may feel like it’s impossible to do this from where you’re standing now, but one day, you’ll see that there’s so much to be thankful for in life. If you take the time to appreciate the little things, from the loving touch of your kitty rubbing against your shin to an amazing home-cooked meal, you’ll be moving toward not only living your life again but also living it to the fullest. Be patient with yourself. As long as you take small steps to move forward and nurture yourself, you will be able to feel joy again.
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