How to Groom Your Personality

Setting Personality Goals

Become self-aware. You are a complex human being who is faced with many complex experiences daily. Because of this, you may forget to focus on your inner-self, and pay attention to how your words and behaviors not only affect you, but others as well. Becoming more self-aware of your current personality traits and how they affect you and others will help you to identify areas you may want to change. The primary areas of self-awareness include: personality traits, values, morals, and beliefs, habits, emotional and psychological needs. Self-awareness of your personality can help you navigate your world better by gravitating towards situations that provide you with positive experiences and rewards, and avoid those situations that can be destructive and cause you too much stress. In other words, self-awareness of your personality will help you analyze how you react and feel about things to help you make better choices in life.

Make a list of personality traits you want to develop or strengthen. These can be traits you already possess to some degree. They can also be traits you don’t currently have, but wish you did. For instance, you might be a naturally shy person who wants to become more outgoing. If you’re already a creative person, you could decide to work on applying your creativity in more areas of your life. Don’t work on too many personality traits at once. Choose just one or two at first, so you don’t get overwhelmed.

Jot down some habits you want to minimize. If you have any qualities that you don’t like, write them down. Traits that bother you or make your life more difficult are good candidates for this list. For instance, if you have a tendency to interrupt people, you might decide you want to break that habit.

Go from small to big. Personality traits are constructs that make up who you are as a person. These traits are further broken down into daily habits. Keep in mind that your habit change should involve the overarching personality traits that influence negative habits. For example, you might dislike your habit to disrupt people. This habit aligns with the personality trait of self-centeredness. Such a trait may show up in other habits like throwing tantrums when you don't get your way or gossiping. Look closely at your habits to find the bigger trait. Then, try to identify other similar habits indicated by that trait.

Create a plan. Look over your lists and think about how you can make them a reality. Make a new list of specific actions you can take to improve your personality. Make sure your actions are focused around everyday situations you deal with frequently.

Put new actions into practice. After you have devised a list of feasible actions, start implementing them into your everyday life. New habits are developed by replacing the negative ones with more positive, adaptive choices. Add in more positive habits, and you'll gradually extinguish the old. For instance, if you’re trying to become more punctual, you could commit to leaving for work every morning five minutes earlier than you currently do.

Developing Positive Traits

Be attentive to your needs. Just as Maslow discussed in his hierarchy of needs, humans have a variety of psychological needs that determine their behaviors and how they may react or respond in various situations. These are needs such as: power and control, belongingness, affection or love, esteem, achievement, and self-actualization. Becoming aware and attentive to your needs and how they affect your behaviors will help you with understanding how this affects your interpersonal relationships. Your needs drive your motivation. If your needs are not being met, you may experience a decrease in motivation, become more frustrated, and have more conflict and stress in your life.

Adopt a positive mindset. Positivity is an essential trait for a well-groomed personality. To become more positive, get into the habit of looking for the good in people and situations, instead of finding reasons to criticize them. When things go wrong, focus on the things you can change, instead of the things you can’t. A positive mindset will attract people to you, while a negative one will repel them. Having a positive mindset doesn’t mean you have to be happy all the time or enjoy bad situations. Rather, it means looking for the silver lining and doing what you can to improve things.

Develop your interests and hobbies. Maintain a balanced personality by exploring a variety of interests and activities. If you already have hobbies, set aside some time daily or weekly to work on them. If you think your personality could use some rounding out, teach yourself a hobby or two you’ve always wanted to learn, or look for a class or a club you can join. For instance, if you’ve been spending most of your time and energy on work, try taking a cooking class or a dance class to improve your work-life balance. Classes, clubs, and groups are a great way to meet new people while you expand your horizons.

Have a purpose. Most people with strong, appealing personalities have some kind of mission in life. Think about what you want to achieve, and then set goals that will help you get there. Avoid squandering your time on things that don’t really matter to you. Your life goals don’t have to be big and grand, as long as they’re meaningful to you.

Learn as much as you can. Staying well-informed is an important aspect of grooming your personality. Keep yourself up-to-date on important events in the world by reading newspapers and magazines. If you’re particularly interested in a field like history or technology, read books and watch documentaries on the subject. Learning about the world will give you more things to talk about with other people.

Present yourself in a way that reflects your ideal personality. The way you dress, style your hair, and carry yourself sends a message to other people about who you are. Make sure that your posture is good, your clothes are well-kept and appropriate, and you’re proud of your general appearance. If you’re not happy with the way you present yourself, invest in something that will make you feel more confident, such as some flattering clothes or a good haircut. This doesn’t have to be expensive.

Strengthening Your Interpersonal Skills

Smile. When you smile, you immediately appear friendlier, more likable, and more trustworthy to other people. Smiling can also improve your mood and help you stay in a positive frame of mind, both of which will improve your interactions with others. Don’t try to smile all the time – that will look unnatural. Focus on smiling when you greet people and during conversations.

Connect with professional support for guidance. Sometimes you may need a little extra coaching to help with developing improved interpersonal communication skills. For instance people with mental health concerns such as social anxiety, borderline personality disorder, and others may require the assistance of a professional therapist or coach to help them effectively interact and develop stronger relationships. How you communicate with other people has a significant impact on the quality of your relationships. Professional support can be in the form of individual counseling or group counseling. The type of therapy usually used in such settings is dialectical behavioral therapy (talk therapy) and mindfulness training. The goal is to teach clients skills that will help with engaging in conversations in a more thoughtful and deliberate way, instead of reacting to their internal stress and emotions in a negative way.

Use good listening skills. Be interested in other people, and focus on what they have to say. Take their body language and tone of voice into account as you talk. Ask questions to guide the conversation and find out more about them. When you’re genuinely interested in people, you’ll have more fulfilling conversations, and others will instinctively like you more.

Practice good manners. Follow the standards of etiquette, and always treat other people with courtesy. Don’t forget the basics, such as saying “please” and “thank you” and not interrupting people when they’re talking. If your manners need some polishing, look for an etiquette book at your local library, or search for manners tips online.

Avoid gossiping. Gossiping about other people makes you seem petty and insecure. It undermines other people’s trust in you, and it could even cost you important relationships. Don’t say anything behind a person’s back unless you would be willing to say it to their face. If other people try to get you to gossip with them, redirect the conversation. Ask a question like, “What are you doing this weekend?”

Help others. Whenever you can, go out of your way to do someone a favor or brighten up their day. You’ll feel good about lending a hand, and other people will see you as a thoughtful, dependable person. For instance, take a friend out for lunch when they’re feeling down, or give your coworker a ride to work when their car is in the shop.