Making a Good First Impression
Show her that you’re good with children. When her kids are around, make it a point to say hi and get them to smile. Try complimenting some aspect of their appearance, like their favorite toy or new pair of shoes, or pointing out things you have in common, like your mutual love of ice cream. Getting her kids to like you is a surefire way to win her approval. Having your own child or a younger sibling with you can provide you with a convenient icebreaker and help you make that initial introduction. Make sure it’s alright with her before you give her kids gifts.
Take an interest in her kids. Instead of making the conversation all about her, bring up the little ones yourself. Ask about their names, ages, hobbies, and personalities. This will give her a chance to gush and reassure her that her responsibilities as a single parent won’t scare you off. Try not to seem too eager to get to know her kids right off the bat. It will take time for her to feel comfortable enough with you to set up that first meeting. Steer clear of sensitive or invasive questions, like why the child’s other parent is no longer in the picture. She might view this as a violation of her privacy. EXPERT TIP Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC Marriage & Family Therapist Moshe Ratson is the Executive Director of spiral2grow Marriage & Family Therapy, a coaching and therapy clinic in New York City. Moshe is an International Coach Federation accredited Professional Certified Coach (PCC). He received his MS in Marriage and Family Therapy from Iona College. Moshe is a clinical member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT), and a member of the International Coach Federation (ICF). Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC Marriage & Family Therapist Your main consideration should be the wellbeing of the children. Marriage and family therapist Moshe Ratson says: "While there are no guidelines on how long you should wait to meet someone's children, you should take into account how serious you are about the relationship and how ready all of the parties are to make that step. When you feel the time is right, tell the mom that you'd be happy to meet her children whenever she's ready."
Treat the people around you well. Put your best manners on display—smile politely, hold doors for strangers, and remember to say “please” and “thank you.” As a single mother, she spends most of her time tending to another person’s needs. The key to wowing her is to demonstrate that you’re capable of thinking of someone other than yourself. If you’re out for dinner or drinks, be polite to the waitstaff and tip generously. Your generosity won’t go unnoticed.
Cut out habits that aren’t kid-friendly. If you’re guilty of a particular vice, such as smoking, drinking, or listening to inappropriate music, now may be the time to give it up. The same goes for harmless but inconvenient behaviors like staying out too late. There’s little chance of her thinking that things between you could ever work if your lifestyles are just too different. Avoid using curse words or making crude jokes when her kids are around. Keep the language PG.
Getting the Most out of Your Time Together
Be willing to adapt to her schedule. Single moms rarely have the luxury of keeping regular hours. She might stick to a fixed calendar week in and week out, or only be able to go out when a night opens up unexpectedly. Do your best to be flexible with your time to fit in with her own. If you’re attempting to plan a date or outing, give her plenty of notice so she’ll be able to pencil you in. Be ready for last-minute changes or cancellations in the event that something comes up with one of her kids.
Pamper her whenever you get the chance. Surprise her by booking an appointment for a massage or manicure for one of her rare moments of downtime. If she hasn’t had a day off in a while, offer to keep the kids busy for an hour or so while she enjoys a soak in the tub or takes a much-needed nap. She’ll appreciate that you’re putting forth the effort and come to see you as someone she can rely on for care and affection. If nothing else, offer to pick up takeout or rub her shoulders after an exhausting day of shuttling back and forth to schools, practices, and recitals. Even the smallest gestures will make her feel special and show her that you consider her needs as important as your own.
Help her find a babysitter. Securing the services of a reliable babysitter can be a difficult task, one that she’s probably all too familiar with. Give her a break by seeing to it before she even has a chance to worry about it. Hiring a babysitter is a win-win. Not only does it make her life easier, it also allows the two of you to spend more time together. If you’re not sure where to look, try browsing the listings on nanny-for-hire sites like SitterCity.com, UrbanSitter.com, or Care.com. Choose a sitter that comes recommended. Mom will be reluctant to leave her kids with someone who’s not trustworthy.
Treat her to a relaxing night in. Instead of a more traditional date, consider cooking her dinner at her place or spending a quiet evening on the couch watching movies after she puts the kids to bed. The occasional night out is nice, but what most single moms want more than anything else is a chance to rest and recharge. Take care of all the details yourself. That way, all she’ll have to do is kick back and take a breather. Staying in will save you the trouble of having to coordinate your schedules, hire a babysitter, and deal with the stress of being away from home.
Meeting Her Emotional Needs
Offer her support and encouragement. With so many different responsibilities to juggle, sometimes all a single mom needs is to hear that she’s doing a good job. Take every opportunity you can to express how much you admire her dedication, strength, and independence. A kind word can help remind her that it’s all worth it. Look for opportunity in times when she might be feeling self-conscious about her situation. If she’s forced to break a date, for instance, you could respond by saying “I think it’s wonderful that you do so much to keep your kids happy” rather than acting disappointed.
Keep your parenting opinions to yourself. Support isn’t the same thing as advice. Unless she specifically asks for your input, it’s best to stay out of the way and let her raise her children the way she sees fit. Stepping on her toes as a parent could lead to an argument, or worse, irreconcilable differences that could spell the end for the relationship. There's no need to assume the role of parental figure just because you're seeing a mom. You're simply there to provide companionship until she specifically asks for more. If you feel the need to question one of her decisions, do it as though you're trying to learn more about the way she does things. For example, instead of saying "You really shouldn't feed your kids so much sugar," try asking "Is it okay for Alex to have candy this close to dinnertime?"
Give her space when she needs it. Your attention is one of the most thoughtful gifts you can give, but knowing when to pull back can do wonders for her mental health. She only has so much free time available, and she may want to spend some of it reading, exercising, or being alone with her thoughts. A big part of proving that you care is letting her care for herself. She might be hesitant to tell you when she needs some time to herself. To ease her mind, ask her so she won’t have to. Think of space as an investment into your relationship. The better she feels, the more fruitful your time together will be.
Avoid playing games. The ordinary rules of courtship don’t apply when it comes to single moms. She has more important things to do than wonder whether you’re going to text her back or follow through on your word. Respect her enough to be straightforward about your motives. If you don’t intend to be there for her in some way, don’t waste her time. Don’t make promises you can’t keep. Letting her down will send the message that you’re not dependable, and that’s not the kind of person she wants to have around.
Understand that her kids need her more than you do. A mother’s children are never far from her mind. That doesn’t mean that she isn't interested in you. It just means that she needs someone who understands how seriously she takes her role as a provider. If you’re willing to stick around and be patient, you’ll discover how rewarding it can be to form a connection with someone as caring and nurturing as a single mother. There’s no reason to be resentful of her kids. They’re not something that’s getting in the way of her life—they are her life.
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