Becoming More Confident
Accept yourself for who you are. Be yourself, improve yourself where you can, and accept aspects of yourself that you can’t change. Don’t try to change who you are just to please others. Make a list of all the things that you like about yourself and another of things you’d like to improve. You can ask friends and family to help you build your list, since they may think of things you might not. Think of specific steps you can take to improve, for example: “Sometimes I overreact and snap at other people. Every time someone makes a statement, I should pause before responding and think about what to say before saying it.” Keep this list somewhere you will see it often, such as on your mirror or closet door. Read over it at least once every day. Accept things about yourself that you can’t change. For example, you might wish you were taller, but that's not something you can change. Instead of focusing on why you wish you were tall, try to think of little things that are nice about being shorter, like the fact that you’ll bump your head less. Try to think of things about yourself that other people would likely envy and want to replicate.
Visualize successful outcomes instead of fearing embarrassment. Try not to focus on failing, embarrassment, or on what other people will think if you do something wrong. If you find yourself reliving embarrassing moments, consciously redirect yourself to something you have accomplished instead. Break down goals into small pieces, and visualize yourself succeeding at each step. For example, if you want to be more confident when having conversations, break the goal into small parts: maintain eye contact, listen to the other person, nod when they make a point, ask them questions, and offer honest responses based on your own experiences. If an outcome doesn’t turn out according to plan, try to learn from it instead of getting embarrassed. Write down what you would do differently next time to help solidify what you have learned. Remember that everything is a learning process and that no one is great at everything, especially on the first attempt.
Avoid second guessing every step you take. Try not to assume that everyone is judging every little thing you do. Before getting lost in a cycle of self-doubt, remind yourself that anyone worth your time has more to worry about than criticizing your every thought and action. Also, remind yourself that mistakes serve a purpose and are a necessary part of growth. Do your best to notice when you start to overthink or second guess yourself. Tell yourself, “Stop over-analyzing. Calm down and don’t worry.” Self-reflection and learning from your mistakes are good things, provided you focus on positive growth instead of negative overthinking.
Don’t let someone’s negative judgment define who you are. Keep a balanced perspective and don’t view a negative judgment as a permanent, absolute fact. If you think there’s some truth in their judgment, use it as an opportunity to improve instead of letting it define you. For example, suppose someone says that you have a bad temper. If you’ve barely interacted with them and they don’t know you at all, brush off their judgment. However, if they’re a classmate or coworker who spends a lot of time with you, consider why they think you have a temper. Work on developing strategies for keeping your cool, like counting while slowly breathing when you start feeling angry.
Consider if a person judging you has good intentions. How a person expresses an opinion of you can let you know whether you should brush it off or take it to heart. Ask yourself, “Does this person have my best interests in mind? Is this something I can work on to become a better person, or is it just a petty judgment that’s meant to insult me?” For example, your good friend might say, “You seem to be disconnected lately - you don’t seem like yourself.” That’s a judgment you’d want to take to heart. On the other hand, you’d want to just brush it off if someone you don’t know well says, “You never pay attention - you’re so dumb!” Also, remember that petty judgements are usually meant to make the person feel better about themselves and not to hurt you. Consider if you can find some empathy for the person and their self-esteem issues.
Forming Your Own Opinions
Get the facts from multiple sources. When forming an opinion on something like a news topic, try to look for multiple sources. Read articles published by different news outlets, and try to include perspectives that challenge your own beliefs. Try to gather your own information rather than instinctively agreeing or disagreeing with what someone else thinks. For example, your parents might have an opinion about a news story. Instead of just agreeing with them because they’re your parents, you might search online to find articles on the subject from multiple news bureaus. After reading a few perspectives on the topic, you can form your own opinion based on what you’ve learned.
Decide if a person is informed about a topic. Before getting too concerned about what someone thinks, consider their expertise and the way they express their opinion. If your teacher wrote their graduate school thesis on a particular historical event, you’ll want to value what they think over someone less informed. In addition to considering the source, think about its package: is someone informed about a subject speaking to you in a clear, thoughtful way? Or are they just hurling insults and criticizing your opinion just for the sake of disagreeing with you? You may also consider whether someone might have a personal motivation for feeling one way or another.
Avoid faking agreement just to please others. Don’t be afraid to have an opinion that goes against the norm, especially if you've put time and thought into forming that opinion. Balance evidence with your gut instincts instead of trying to conform and satisfy others. Respect what others think, and accept that not everyone will think the same way you do. For example, if you prefer dogs over cats, don't pretend to like cats more just to please your friends who think cats are better. You should form your own opinion, even if all of your friends prefer cats. It can be healthy to challenge your core beliefs, but you should avoid compromising them just for the sake of popularity. For instance, if you were raised in a religious tradition, you might find that a healthy dose of doubt will deepen your faith in the long run. But that doesn’t mean you should change your beliefs just because someone criticizes them out of ignorance. Also, keep in mind that it is okay to disagree with people. You can express your opinion in a non-challenging manner and listen respectfully to their opinion as well. However, it is important to consider your goal for the conversation before moving forward.
Discovering Yourself and Your Style
Work on getting in touch with yourself. Consider the similarities and differences between how you act in private versus when you're around lots of people. Ask yourself, “How do I represent myself to strangers, to people I’m more comfortable with, and to myself?” Try to think of what really makes you who you are. Write down a list of character traits that are important to you, like honesty, loyalty, or humor. You can also ask trustworthy friends and family members to help you think of things. Spend some quiet time reflecting on your traits, talents, and favorite things. Try to develop an appreciation for what makes you a unique individual.
Make decisions based on your own values. Make choices that are consistent with your priorities instead of doing what other people think is cool. For example, suppose your friends want to go to a party and get drunk, but you have a soccer game the next day, and soccer is really important to you. Instead of going to the party just to look cool, choose to be well prepared and well rested for your game because it's important to you. Do not feel like you have to defend yourself or your values to other people!
Represent yourself in ways that make you happy. Think of how to incorporate your interests, likes, and dislikes into your clothes, surroundings, and lifestyle choices. Focus on creating a style that makes you happy instead of just going for what's trendy or popular. For example, if you find that you love to mix and match patterns in your wardrobe, don’t be afraid to wear what you love just because of what one person might think. Decorate your apartment or room with knick-knacks that have sentimental value, even if someone suggests you should use trendier items or go for a more minimal look. On the other hand, skip out on decorative objects altogether if you can’t stand clutter. Just go with whatever will make your space most livable for you.
Create an inspiration folder to get in touch with your own style. When developing your sense of clothing style, check out fashion magazines and blogs to search for inspiration. Save or cut out images that motivate you, and use them to put together a digital or paper "look book" or inspiration folder. Using your new library, assemble looks that make you feel unique and confident. Signature items like a particular piece of jewelry, scarves, funky hats, or pattern can also help put a unique stamp on your style. Think of a specific item or aesthetic element that makes you happy and expresses something you love about yourself. For example, if you love sailing or boats, maybe an anchor necklace and bold nautical stripes would be a unique touch.
Remember that taste is subjective. If someone says something about your taste, remember that their style opinion isn’t the final word. Taste is subjective, and you might not love everything about their fashion or decor. Variety is a great thing: imagine how boring it would be if everyone’s clothes and houses looked exactly the same! While it’s great to dress in a way that expresses your individuality, remember to consider degrees of appropriateness for every situation. Dressing professionally or in accordance with the dress code at work will probably earn you more respect than wearing a tee shirt and ripped jeans.
Avoid uninvited judgments. Social media is a great way to stay connected with people. However, it also gives people plenty of opportunities to judge your lifestyle choices. For example, if you don’t want to invite people to criticize your clothes or image, consider sharing fewer selfies on social media platforms. You can also unfollow or unfriend people who are judgmental, rude, or who make you feel bad about yourself. Selena Gomez Selena Gomez, Founder, Rare Beauty Don't let social media affect your well-being. "You are not defined by an Instagram photo, by a like, by a comment. That does not define you."
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