How to Tell if You Are in an Abusive Relationship

Knowing What Abuse Looks Like

Know the definition of an abusive relationship. An abusive relationship describes a relationship where one person consistently and constantly uses tactics to psychologically, physically, financially, emotionally, and sexually control and have power over another person. A relationship that is considered to have domestic violence is a relationship where there is an imbalance of power.

Recognize characteristics of an abuser. Everyone is different, but physically abusive partners tend to have certain characteristics that contribute to the cycle of violence and control. An abuser might have the following characteristics: Emotionally intense and codependent. Could be charming, popular, and talented. Fluctuates between emotional extremes. Might be a former victim of abuse. May suffer from alcoholism or drug addiction. Controlling. Bottles emotions up. Inflexible and judgmental. Might have a history of abuse and violence in childhood.

Arm yourself with information about abuse. Domestic violence and abuse is more common than people generally expect. This has significant short- and long-term health implications for the victims. Here are some statistics about abuse in the United States: 25-30% of women experience domestic violence. Domestic violence situations cause disability and deteriorate your health, similar to “the effects of living in a war zone.” A little over 10% of men were victimized by their partners. 1,200 women die each year from domestic violence. Two million women sustain injuries every year from domestic violence. Domestic violence occurs across all socioeconomic and cultural backgrounds. Domestic violence is most prevalent in the poorest of neighborhoods and people who went to college but did not finish school. Victims of domestic violence are more at risk for alcoholism. The risk of disability (emotional, mental and physical) for victims of domestic violence is doubled. The victim’s likelihood that they cannot walk without using a device for assistance (like a cane or walker), or need a wheelchair raises by 50%. The risk of stroke for victims raises by 80%, as well as the risk of heart ailments and arthritic joints by 70%, and asthma by 60%.

Recognizing Physical Abuse

Think about what happens when your partner fights with you. Fights occur from time to time in relationships. An abusive partner might call what they do “fighting,” but it’s much more than that. The yelling, the hitting, slapping, punching, pinching, and choking are not a result of disagreements, but a “pattern of behavior” your partner uses to control you.

Track physical attacks that your partner has made. Physical attacks can vary greatly. They can happen just once in a while, or they can happen with great frequency. They can also vary in severity. They can also be a one-time incident. The physical attacks may occur in a pattern, or can be an apparent, or a constant, underlying or overt threat. They can also make you fear for your safety or the safety of the people, things, or even pets you love. When this is the case, physical abuse can permeate and affect every aspect of your life. Keep in mind that physical attacks can “cycle.” This means that there can be a period of calm, followed by an escalation, and then the attack. After the attack, the entire cycle can begin again.

Look for signs of physical abuse. The actual acts of physical violence might seem like they are self-explanatory or too obvious to mention, but for people who grew up getting hit, they might not realize that this is not a normal, healthy behavior. Some of the signs of physical abuse are: Pulls your hair. Punches, slaps, or kicks you. Bites or chokes you. Denies you the right to meet your basic needs, such as food and sleep Breaks your belongings or the things in your home, such as throws your dishes, punch holes in the walls. Threatens you with a knife or gun, or uses a weapon on you. Physically bars you from leaving, calling 911 for help, or going to the hospital. Physically abuses your children. Kicks you out of your car and leaves you in strange places. Drives aggressively and in a dangerous manner while you are in the car. Makes you drink alcohol or take drugs.

Count how many times you’ve had a “honeymoon” period. An abuser tends to go through a “honeymoon” period, where they appear to be the ideal partner to draw you in. They apologize and treat you well, buying gifts and being friendly. Then their behavior shifts and they start abusing again. You are slowly conditioned to accept their behavior.

Count when you need to cover bruises or other injuries. As a result of physical abuse, you may experience bruises, cuts or other injuries. Think about if you’re wearing turtleneck shirts in the summer or wearing makeup to hide bruises.

Understand that physical abuse is usually accompanied by other abuse. It’s the physical acts of abuse that usually call the most attention to the problem of an abusive relationship. These behaviors usually occur along with emotional, mental, financial, and sexual abuse.

Realize that physical abuse may not happen immediately. Physical abuse may not be apparent at the beginning of the relationship. The relationship might start out with what appears to be healthy, ideal behavior. One woman recalls her husband meeting her at the train station after work at the beginning of their relationship with flowers. This story was recounted while undergoing treatment in the hospital for a broken nose when her husband threw a laundry basket at her face. She blamed herself for this injury. That perfect beginning is often what keeps victims in the relationship. Or, the troublesome behaviors can be very subtle at first. It might begin with extreme jealousy and controlling behavior, convincing the victim that this is what “real love” is like. The abuser might say that they care for the victim so deeply that they can’t help their bad behaviors: “You make me so crazy, I just lose control. That’s how much I care for you.”

Recognizing Emotional Abuse

Recognize what emotional abuse is. Emotional abuse usually contains verbal abuse, where the abuser systematically lowers your self-esteem by calling you names, picks on every single thing you do, doesn’t show any trust, treats you like a possession, threatens you, and uses your children against you or threatens to hurt them, among other behaviors.

Listen for criticisms. Oftentimes, emotional abuse comes in the form of double-edged comments. An abuser might say, “I love you but…” For example, they might say, “I love you, but if you don’t spend every weekend with me, I’ll think that you don’t love me.” With this type of comment, the abuser makes their love contingent on you acting a particular way. If your partner is constantly putting you down and making you feel inadequate, you may be experiencing emotional abuse.

Determine if the person is manipulating how you feel. An emotional abuser may try to make you feel certain ways, with the intention of controlling you. This manipulation might be: Humiliating or embarrassing you. Making you feel guilty. Making you feel like things are your fault.

Watch for threats. An abuser may use threats to try controlling your actions and behavior. Listen for threats made against you. An abuser may also try to threaten to use your children against you or threaten to hurt them. Threats can also include statements like, “I’ll kill myself if you ever leave me.”

Determine if you feel socially isolated. Social isolation is a form of emotional abuse that an abuser may use to control how you feel and what you do. Social isolation may take one or more of the following forms: Preventing you from spending time with friends or family. Acting jealous and suspicious of your friends. Restricting your use of the car or phone. Making you stay at home. Demanding to know where you’re at all the time. Preventing you from working or going to school. Preventing you from seeking medical care.

Recognizing Sexual Abuse

Determine if you are being sexually coerced. “Sexual coercion,” in simple terms, makes you feel like you are being forced to have sex. They may control the way you dress, rape you, purposely give you a sexually transmitted disease, make you view pornography against your will, drug you or get you drunk to have sex with you, and so on.

Determine if you are experiencing reproductive coercion. “Reproductive coercion” means not allowing you to have a choice in pregnancy. The partner may be tracking your periods. The person might get you pregnant against your will, or terminate your pregnancy against your will.

Learn to recognize unwanted sexual contact. Sexual abuse consists of unwanted sexual contact, which can exist in many different forms. It can range from violent, physical behavior to more subtle acts such as calling you offensive, sexually-based names (e.g., “whore” or “slut”). The following are some examples of unwanted sexual contact: Touching or fondling you without your permission. Forcing you to have sex with other partners. Videotaping or photographing sexual acts without your permission. Insisting that you do sexual things that frighten or hurt you. Using the legal system to label you a prostitute (e.g., your partner tells the police that you’re a prostitute). Demanding or forcing sex. Coercing you into sex and then degrading you later for it.

Recognizing Other Types of Abuse

Determine if you are being financially abused. Financial or economic abuse involves controlling you through money. This can entail an abuser not allowing you to have your own money whether or not you earned it. An abuser might take your credit cards. They could start a credit card in your name and ruin your credit history when they don’t pay the bill. On the flip side, an abuser also might move into your home and not contribute to paying any of the bills or expenses. They might withhold money for your basic needs (such as buying groceries or filling prescriptions).

Determine if there is digital abuse. Abusers utilize technology like cell phones, email accounts and social media accounts to threaten or bully you, or stalk or intimidate you. Abusers use social media to send you harassing messages, blackmail you, and stalk you. An abuser may insist you have your cell phone at all times. They might demand that you answer the phone the moment it rings.

Determine if your abuser is stalking you. Stalking, or “obsessional following,” is when an abuser monitors your actions and movements. This can happen with someone with whom you’re not romantically involved. But in an intimate partner relationship, your partner can still stalk you. Oftentimes, this happens when the relationship is ending. It can, however, happen when the relationship is still going on. This type of surveillance and over-possessiveness typically causes fear. Your partner may be stalking you if: They turn up at places that you regularly go to. They secretly follow you. They are spying on you. They send you threatening cards or letters in the mail. They leave threatening phone messages for you. They damage your personal property. They threaten or accost other people that you’re close to.

Determining Physical Abuse for Men

Recognize domestic violence against men. Male victims of domestic violence don’t just happen in gay relationships. Men can also be physically abused by women and suffer all of the signs of physical abuse and the accompanying abusive patterns. This often occurs in relationships where the men, for one reason or another, are in a financially inferior position to that of their female partners.

Assess if you feel social pressures about admitting abuse. Men who suffer from domestic violence and physical abuse often feel much more embarrassed of having endured the abuse. They might not be as likely to come forward because of social pressures. You may feel that you need to maintain a macho reputation, for example. You may be afraid of appearing weak, especially if your partner is a woman who is dominating and controlling the relationship.

Determine if you feel you can’t protect yourself. Men have been conditioned to not hit women, so they are less likely to fight back to protect themselves. If they do, they have the added worry of their partner claiming domestic violence against her. Since women are most often the victims of domestic violence, her case may be believed over the man’s case. Men may be less likely to call for help, even if the woman had a weapon and is willing to use it. The woman may threaten that she will injure herself in order to claim domestic abuse. She may also use an injury caused by the man protecting himself in this way. Then, she may tell the police that the man was the abuser and get him arrested instead. Abused men have an added stigma and often have no recourse when they are abused by women. They are often not believed, nor are people as sympathetic towards their predicament, which leads to further isolation and stigmatization.

Evaluating Your Relationship Tendencies

Track how you feel. As a result of enduring physical abuse and its counterparts, you might be feeling certain ways that are telltale signs that you are in an abusive relationship: You still love your partner, but you want your partner’s abusive behaviors to change. You feel lonely, suffer from depression, powerless, ashamed, anxious, and/or suicidal. You feel embarrassed and you think people will judge you. You are struggling with alcoholism or drug abuse. You can’t leave because you don’t have any money and you’re afraid of what they will do if you do. You still feel your partner will change if you just love them enough. You believe that you need to stay with your partner because you made a commitment. You feel isolated from family. You feel trapped and there is no escape. If you try to leave, your partner will find you, and then it will get worse. You’re afraid your partner will hurt your children or your pets. You worry that your partner will get custody of your kids. You feel distrust towards domestic violence services or law enforcement because of their poor handling of the situation in the past (whether it’s perceived or true). If you can write down your feelings in a journal, try that. If you worry that your partner will see your journal, you may need to find another way to identify and sort out your feelings. This might be through talking with a friend, writing on a piece of paper and then throwing it away.

Consider how you communicate with each other. When communicating assertively, people in healthy relationships communicate openly and honestly. This means that healthy couples can share their feelings with the other person. They don’t need to be right all the time, and they listen to each other in a loving, open, and nonjudgmental way. Healthy couples don’t play the “blame game.” Each person takes responsibility for their behavior, their thinking, and their emotions, as well as their own happiness and destiny. They also take responsibility for when they make mistakes and do what they can to make it up to their partner (apologizing is a good start).

Think about when you argue with each other. Not everyone agrees all the time, even in the healthiest of relationships. Misunderstandings, miscommunications, and conflicts are dealt with promptly and assertively. Assertive communication maintains a level of kindness and respect within the relationship, as well as encourages cooperation in solving problems and issues. There is a healthy amount of respect towards each other. Healthy couples are kind to each other. They do not name-call, put each other down, yell, or exhibit other signs of abusive behaviors. They support each other privately and in public. Because couples take full responsibility, they also work to improve the behaviors that aren’t working for the relationship. They try to be flexible and try to see things from their partner’s point of view.

Think about the personal boundaries in your relationship. Healthy couples have personal boundaries and can express their preferences and needs. They use assertiveness to express boundaries in a kind and loving way. Abusers methodically test their partner’s boundaries, continually working to break down your boundaries until you are completely under their control. You start to accept their abuse and behavior. You accept their power over you. Your fear of being hurt or killed keeps you frozen in the relationship and under their control.

Listen to how your partner talks about you in public. Does your partner insult you in front of other people? Do they put you down and call you names? Abusive partners often use derogatory comments to lower the other person’s self-esteem.

Determine how much you pursue your own goals. Oftentimes, abusive relationships have one partner who doesn’t pursue what makes them happy. They mistakenly believe that making sacrifices like this is what people do when they love each other. Think about whether your life centers around making your partner happy. Think too about demands that your partner makes that involve sacrificing your own goals.

Ask yourself if you’ve been isolated in your relationship. Isolating the victim is also often common in the beginning of an abusive relationship. An abuser might blame others for trying to break them up. They may also claim that they love you too much to share you with anyone else. It’s understandable why this would make a person feel special. That’s the abuser is counting on to draw you in and keep you tied to the relationship. They blur the lines of healthy emotional boundaries and rationalizes the erratic behavior.

Think about why you’re in the relationship. It’s easy to believe that your partner loves you so much that you make your partner lose their mind. This gives your self-esteem a boost. But it’s really often the first of many techniques an abuser will use to gain control over you. This self-esteem is short-lived, as the abuser employs a large number of tactics to gain control over the relationship. And, this control is the key to the nature of an abusive relationship. In a healthy relationship, each person takes responsibility for their own self-esteem. Each does their best to work on building a healthy self-worth.

Getting Help

Call emergency services. If you can tell your partner is going to physically abuse you, call emergency services immediately. Calling emergency services can ensure that you will be able to stop the physical abuse. This will ensure your safety as you and your kids leave the house. The police might arrest your partner.

Tell the police about the physical abuse. Describe to the police what happened in detail and show where you were hurt. Have them take photos of the marks immediately or the next day when they show up, so the photos can be used in court. Be sure to get the officers’ names, badge numbers. Ask for the case number so that you can get a copy of the report.

Call a domestic violence hotline. Domestic violence hotlines have staff available to talk with you 24 hours a day. They can offer advice and help you locate resources in your area. These services are confidential and anonymous. National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233 | 1-800-787-3224 (TTY) The National Domestic Violence Hotline also has a website (www.thehotline.com) where you can chat with someone online except for 2AM to 7AM central time. The staff will help you determine what your safest course of action is at this time. This website also has a list of 4,000 safehouses around the United States. They can help locate one for you and your children if need be.

Find a safe shelter. You may need a safe place to go if you want to get away. Make a list of all the places you can go. These might include: Friends or family: Think of friends or family who are not familiar to your partner. Safehouses: Safehouses are usually maintained by nonprofit organizations. They have a secret location and are usually accessible 24 hours a day, so if you have to sneak away while your partner is sleeping, you can. They can help you coordinate with government social services to get benefits to get you started. They can also help you with a court order of protection and with prosecution. Many offer counseling services.

Go to the hospital. If you have experienced physical abuse, you should get a medical examination immediately. It’s important to get checked out because you could have a serious injury. If you are pregnant and were punched in your abdomen, you should seek medical attention immediately. If you were hit in the head, and you have dizziness, nausea, your vision is blurry, or you have a constant headache, you could have a serious head injury. Nonprofit domestic violence organizations often work with hospitals. Ask for an advocate to be with you for support while in the hospital. This person can help you gain access into a shelter if need be. Going to the hospital for your injuries is important to document the abuse. This will also be very helpful for prosecutors, because it provides evidence for their case.

Make your personalized safety plan. The National Center on Domestic and Sexual Violence has a personalized safety plan form that you can print. Fill out this safety plan so that you know what you will do and where you will go. The National Domestic Violence Hotline website also has safety plans that you can print out. They are available in English and Spanish.

Get a personal protection order. A personal protection order (PPO) is issued by your Circuit Court. It protects you from a person who is abusing, stalking or harassing you. It can also restrict a person from coming to your house or workplace. Be sure to carry a copy of your PPO with you at all times. This will help you if your abuser violates the PPO and you need to alert police right away.

Helping Your Partner Stop Abusing

See if your partner is willing to change. Your partner has to really want to change their ways. Whether it’s their temper, their mood swings, or the way they use their hands, they have to be the one to initiate it. The saying goes, “You can bring the horse to the water, but you can’t force it to drink.” You can’t force your partner to go to therapy if they don’t want to. You can’t force them to change even just a little bit. They are the one who has to initiate and work on changing themselves. Unfortunately, since the abuser asserts power over the partner, the abuser feels a certain sense of “righteousness.” They may feel entitled to having all the control in the relationship and treat everyone around them. For instance, they might say they have to control everything because they're the only smart one. Or they might blame everyone else for getting them so angry all the time. Unfortunately again, this is not the best mindset for changing.

Try a certified domestic violence program. If your partner is willing to change, a certified domestic violence program for batterers could help. Research on batterer intervention programs does show mixed results, but this is most likely due to the fact that most batterers are forced to attend programs after they have been incarcerated and are still not willing to change the way they treat their partners and children.

Look for a batterer intervention program. These types of programs often help batterers find motivation for completing the program (“overcoming denial”). They also help batterers take responsibility for their abusive actions, learning how to use other techniques rather than violence, and patient education on equality of males and females.

Suggest that your partner attend counseling. Going to counseling after a batterer’s program would be a healthy choice for your partner. You and your children should be attending counseling also, if not at a domestic violence program, with a family therapist or individual counselor with domestic violence expertise.

Don’t expect change overnight. If your partner is willing to go to a batterer’s program, that’s great news! It’s a good start. But don’t expect your partner’s behavior to change overnight. Change can take many years, sometimes twenty or thirty years, for abusive behavior patterns to change.

Leave the relationship if your partner isn’t going to change. If it looks like your partner thinks everything is just fine and dandy, it’s most likely you holding out for a change is unrealistic at this time. If you are getting beaten and bruised, no matter if it’s only once a year or once a week, even though it’s difficult, you need to realize that the way to ensure your own physical and emotional safety is by leaving. If your partner has your purse strings tied tightly and is controlling the money, and watching every movement you make, this can seem daunting. Seek help from a safehouse or domestic violence hotline to figure out your first steps for getting out.