- Use the 3-day rule with your partner to take a break from an argument for 3 days.
- The 3-day rule gives you and your partner time to reflect and cool off so you can avoid saying things you don’t mean and so you can remember why you love each other.
- After the 3 days are up, reconnect with your partner and reinvestigate the issue with clear heads, being sure to actively listen to one another and attempt to compromise.
What is the “3-day rule”?
With the 3-day rule, a couple agrees to take a break from an argument. Sometimes, after a really heated argument that’s left both partners in a couple reeling or reconsidering where the relationship is heading, they may agree to put a pause on the argument (and maybe even each other) to reflect and calm down. Couples commonly take 3 days apart—hence, the 3-day rule. The 3-day rule gives both parties in the relationship time to think before acting or speaking. During a heated argument, it may be necessary to give one another time and space to collect your thoughts and cool down. Not taking space may result in one or both partners saying things they don’t mean or rushing to resolve the disagreement prematurely for the sake of being on good terms again, without taking time to really reflect.
Does the 3-day rule work?
The 3-day rule can be a healthy way to navigate conflict. While on the surface taking a break from your partner after a fight or disagreement may seem like avoidance, this technique is actually rooted in patience, self-awareness, consideration, and personal accountability. Partners who employ the 3-day rule realize that things said or done in the heat of an argument are usually short-sighted and later regretted; the 3-day rule is an attempt to avoid lashing out or acting irrationally.
Why 3 days?
3 days is a general guideline; some couples need more or less time apart. The exact amount of time needed depends on the particular couple and the particular argument. For some couples, taking a 20-minute break is helpful, while for others, a break is unnecessary. Some couples may generally resolve all or most of their arguments in the moment and not typically need a 3-day rule. Meanwhile, depending on the argument, other couples may need to take a break of longer than 3 days to resolve their issues. Some couples cut off all contact for 3 days, but depending on your relationship, logistics, and the nature of the argument, you may opt to go low-contact or see each other as usual, but avoid discussing the argument.
How to Use the 3-Day Rule
Ensure both you and your partner agree to the rules. Speak to your partner about going no (or low) contact for a few days prior to disconnecting from them. Agree to any ground rules ahead of time, and plan out when and how you’ll reconnect at the end of the break. For instance, will you talk at all (if you live together or have kids, you'll likely have to)? Or will you take a total break from them? Establish where you’ll meet again after the break. Depending on the subject, you may want to meet at home or in a neutral space such as a park or café to resume your discussion. Regardless of what rules you implement, be sure you and your partner are both aware of them and consent to them—otherwise, it’s not “the 3-day rule,” it’s just “the silent treatment.”
Avoid discussing the argument for the duration of the break. Whether you opt for 3 days on the nose or more or less, be sure to follow all the rules you and your partner pre-established for that time. This may mean limited or no texting, calling, or social media interaction. Depending on your relationship, you may have to interact sometimes—such as if you have a kid together or live together—but you can control in what ways you’ll interact. Some couples agree to take a break from the argument for 3 days, but otherwise still speak to one another as they normally might.
Practice good self-care while you’re apart. Part of cooling off after a big blowup involves being kind to yourself: exercise, see friends, and take time for your hobbies and passions. This way, when you and your partner come back together, you’ll feel more relaxed and like yourself. Spend time outside in nature or meditate to feel calmer and more collected. Be sure to get good quality sleep so you feel rested and rejuvenated when you reconnect with your partner. Engage yourself in a new hobby or any activity that makes you feel more like yourself. It'll help to calm you down, as well as offer a helpful distraction from the fight.
Reflect on the argument. In the midst of your 3 days of self-care, be sure to spend time thinking over the disagreement and your relationship. Consider how you feel about the situation—and how you felt in the heat of the moment. Now that the adrenaline from the original argument has worn off, do you feel any differently? Do you regret anything you said or did in the heat of the moment? Try to understand where your partner is coming from as well. Consider how their perspective on things may have affected their behavior during the fight. While distractions can help you calm down, you also need dedicated time to reflect on the argument and your feelings about it. It may be uncomfortable to sit with the tension, hurt, or regret leftover from the argument, but it’s essential in order to move through it. Journaling is a great way to work through tough emotions. Try free-writing what you’re feeling to overcome writer’s block and get to the heart of your emotions. You might even consider writing a letter to your partner. This could be an effective way to get your feelings out, even if you don’t end up giving it to them.
Address any underlying issues. Unresolved problems are often the impetus behind big fights. In your time apart from your partner, consider what issue(s) lying under the surface might have contributed to your disagreement, and think about how you and/or your partner might go about discussing and improving the issue(s). Speaking to a therapist may help you work through underlying problems. If you’re not already seeing a therapist, it may not be feasible to schedule an appointment during your 3 days, but depending on the issue, it may be worth looking into even after your break is up. You and your partner may also find couples counseling a useful tool to address underlying problems in your relationship.
Meet up with your partner to talk once the break is over. Plan when and where you will meet in advance, and try to shoot for a time when neither of you is feeling tired or stressed, such as right after or before a major work meeting. Talk about the disagreement and what you learned in your time apart. Make sure you both get the opportunity to express your perspectives. Consider a comforting, safe space like one of your homes, or a neutral space like a park or café. You may not have all the answers at the end of the 3 days, and your partner may not either. The point of the 3 days isn’t to solve all your problems in 72 hours, but to think over your role in the disagreement, your partner’s role, and how you feel about the situation and your relationship.
How to Work Through an Argument
Use “I” language. Try using “I” statements when communicating your perspective. In a tough discussion, “I” statements can help your words seem less accusatory, making your partner more likely to be receptive to your viewpoint. For instance, “I feel like things have been a little stressful lately,” or “I think this might be an issue.”
Practice active listening. Many disagreements are exacerbated because one or both partners in a relationship believe the other person just isn’t listening to them. Practicing active listening when your partner shares their perspective will help them feel heard, cared for, and respected. Show your partner you’re listening by maintaining eye contact, nodding, and offering occasional responses that indicate engagement, such as, “I understand” or “Thanks for sharing that.” If you need clarification on something, politely ask: “Sorry, I’m not sure what you mean by that—can you say that again?” or “Did I hear that correctly? I interpreted this to mean you felt I overreacted, but let me know if I’m misunderstanding.” Listen to their viewpoint without making any judgments. Try to get as thorough of an understanding of their side of things as you can before offering your perspective. That means listening without interrupting. An occasional “Mmhmm” or “I see what you mean” may be helpful as a way to show you’re really considering what they’re saying, but jumping in to express your viewpoint may make your partner feel disrespected and unheard. Reader Poll: We asked 460 wikiHow readers about the most effective ways to heal a relationship after a tough argument with a partner, and 83% agreed that healthy communication, including active listening, an apology, and taking accountability for your actions, is key. [Take Poll]
Avoid bringing up irrelevant issues. When you’re in the midst of a heated disagreement, it can be tempting to dredge up your partner’s past offenses, but this will only expand the argument and cause you both to lose focus on the actual issue at hand. More importantly, it can cause you both unnecessary hurt and stress. Sometimes past wounds may contribute to conflict in the present, and they may need to be addressed. But if you've resolved a past issue and/or it has no bearing on the current conflict, avoid rehashing the argument—even if you really want to. If you do feel it's necessary to address a past issue, introduce the subject gently so your partner doesn't feel blindsided or attacked, and clarify how the issues are connected: "You canceling our date because of work hurts even more before because it reminds me of how things were at your last job. I felt really abandoned back then, and I'm worried it'll happen again."
Try not to discuss important issues when you're tired or stressed. When you’re feeling overwhelmed, distracted, or otherwise unprepared to discuss a serious topic, it’s likely not the time. This tends to be when couples say or do things they don’t mean—and when it may be a good time to delay a discussion or put it on pause, even if not for a full 3 days. As a general rule, try to avoid having a tough conversation right before bed or right before one of you has plans to do something else, like go to a party or go on vacation. If you need to delay a discussion because you're tired, stressed, or otherwise not able to engage fully and patiently, gently communicate this to your partner: "I want to talk about this with you, but could we wait until after dinner? I had a long day at work and I need to unwind and eat something first."
Manage stress in the moment. Even if you try to plan your discussion for a time when you're feeling calm and collected, arguments are stressful, and that stress can cause us to say or do things we don't mean. Having some stress management "quick fixes" in your emotional toolbox can help you prevent your emotions from getting the best of you in times of conflict. When you start to feel wound up during an argument, pause and count to 10, or practice the 54321 ground technique to help you calm down: identify 5 things in the room that you can see, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell, and 1 thing you can taste. Squeezing a stress ball, smelling a comforting scent (such as lavender or your favorite perfume or cologne), or looking at a photo of a loved one may help you calm down as well.
Do not employ the 3-day rule…
...in abusive relationships. The 3-day rule is meant for couples wherein both partners need space to assess a disagreement, their independent roles in the conflict, and a way forward. If you’re in a relationship that is toxic to your mental, physical, or emotional help, it’s imperative to seek outside assistance. Consider reaching out to a support group for domestic abuse in your local area, calling the National Domestic Violence Hotline, or reaching out to friends for aid.
...in time-sensitive situations. If the issue you’re arguing about is urgent, the 3-day rule may not be effective. You and your partner may need to do your best to come to a resolution in the moment. In this case, even taking a break of 10 minutes can help you both get some distance from the issue. Take a walk around the block, do some laundry, or chat with a friend on the phone before coming back to resolve the issue. Depending on the issue, once the immediate problem at hand is solved, it may be worth it to take a 3-day break afterward to cool down.
...to avoid conflict. The point of the 3-day rule is to reflect on conflict so as to more effectively resolve the problem—not to avoid the issue entirely. If you or your partner feels compelled to implement the 3-day rule out of a desire to get out of a fight, avoid taking accountability for your actions, or avoid discussing painful or difficult subjects, it’s unlikely to work.
...without both partners' consent. Both partners must be on the same page about the 3-day rule. If one partner insists on a break, the other partner may be left feeling rejected, abandoned, or unheard. If partners disagree about taking a break, they may need to come to a compromise—say, taking a break for an hour before returning to the discussion, or putting the discussion on pause until the morning if it’s late at night. The partner who needs a break from the discussion might say something like, “I’m feeling worked up and I think I need a timeout. Can we talk about this in the morning?” Regardless of whether you and your partner unanimously opt to employ the 3-day rule, if you want to put a discussion on pause, it’s important to give your partner a timeframe by which you’d like to return to the subject, for accountability: “Could we talk more tomorrow evening?” is more specific than “Can we continue this another time?”
How to Reconnect with Your Partner After Conflict
Prioritize physical intimacy. You and your partner may have resolved the argument, but even after you've made peace, you might still feel a little awkward or distant from them. You can feel more intimate again by becoming physically close: hugging, kissing, holding hands, having sex—whatever works for you. Even after a fight is over, you might still feel a little on edge, even if you know, logically, that the argument has been resolved. Touching your partner activates your parasympathetic nervous system, which can help you both feel calm and safe and promote mutual trust.
Share a laugh. During and even after conflict, you're likely feeling raw and vulnerable, and the last thing you want to do is laugh. But studies show a quick way to feel safe and intimate with your partner again is to find something to laugh about together. This might mean throwing on a comedy special or sitcom. Better yet, combine laughter with physical touch and tickle each other.
Spend quality time together. Your fight might be private, one-on-one time, but it's hardly "quality time." Celebrating the end of an argument by doing something special together can help you both feel more loved and cared for as well as reignite your romantic spark. Go out on a date to your favorite restaurant, or get yourselves laughing by enjoying a comedy show. You can also get quality time in the comfort and privacy of home: cook a meal together, order in from your favorite restaurant, watch your favorite movie, or play your favorite board game together.
Final Thoughts
Time apart can help couples work through disagreements. Rather than being a means of avoiding conflict, the 3-day rule can be an effective way to engage with conflict in a healthy way. Many of us are prone to acting rashly during a heated argument, but the 3-day rule minimizes the risk of saying or doing something you don’t mean or will later regret. Taking a break from the issue for a few days can help you cool off and reflect on the problem—with the reassurance that your partner is doing the same thing and that you’ll both reconnect once the break is done. A break from your partner is also likely to remind you why you love your partner and give you a chance to miss them, making it all the more likely that when you reconnect, you’ll be able to sort through the disagreement peacefully.
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