- Many people choose not to date, and that’s totally fine! People may opt to stay single for any number of valid reasons.
- People may not date because they’re asexual or aromantic, they value their independence, they’re celibate, or they just have other priorities.
- There are loads of great alternatives to dating! You can cultivate your platonic relationships or get into a new hobby, or focus on self-love and take yourself out on dates.
Is it normal not to want to date?
There’s no “normal” when it comes to dating—but not dating is totally fine! Lots of people date and get married, lots of people date and date and date and never marry, lots of people date one person forever, and lots of people just don’t date at all. Although some folks (your parents, your teachers, the media, the church, Carrie Bradshaw) may have strong opinions on dating and relationships, at the end of the day, they’re just that: opinions. There’s no right or wrong way to do relationships, and whatever way works for you is your normal. It’s also fine and normal and healthy as heck to change your mind along the road (or not!). You may not want to date ever for various totally valid reasons, or you may just not feel like it right now, and eventually you’ll feel differently.
Why Some People Choose Not to Date
They have other priorities. Someone with a strong career drive or personal goals may feel they just don’t have the time or energy to dedicate to dating. It could be temporary, and they may be up for dating when their life calms down a bit more, but it could also just be part of their personality.
They aren’t emotionally available. Maybe they’ve recently broken up with someone and aren’t ready to put themselves out there again, or maybe they’re just naturally really independent and not emotionally available for romance. Either way, totally fine.
They think dating is too much drama. To be fair, some relationships are a lot of drama. But even the healthiest of relationships have more emotional ups and downs than a single person generally has to suffer. This could be particularly true of someone who has had bad relationship experiences in the past. If they've been through a difficult or toxic relationship, they may hesitate to date again, at least for a while.
They're too picky. Too tall, too short. Too chatty, too quiet. Too outgoing, too shy. Too work-focused, not work-focused enough. Some people just know what they want when they want it, and unless they find someone they really feel a connection with, they just won't bother dating.
They have low self-esteem. In this case, “not dating” may be a choice, but it may not be what the person actually wants. If someone doesn’t think highly enough of themselves or doesn’t believe they’re worthy of love, they may hesitate to put themselves out there.
They’re aromantic or asexual (or both). Everyone has different needs and preferences. Some folks may identify as aromantic, meaning they aren't interested in romantic relationships, or as asexual, a sexual orientation defined by a lack of sexual attraction. Or both! Some people may want sex but not romance, and they may try to find a casual sexual relationship that works for them; others may want romance but not sex, and they may try to find a relationship that isn’t very physical. Asexuality and aromanticism aren't black and white. For example, some folks may identify as asexual and not experience any sexual attraction, and others may only experience very infrequent sexual attraction.
They’re tired of rejection. Hey, it happens to the best of us and it never stops doing major ego damage. Still, if someone’s gone through more than a few rejections lately, especially if they were super invested in the person who turned them down, they may just swear off dating for good (or at least for a while).
They’re choosing to be celibate, and it’s easier to just not date. Some people decide to be celibate for religious reasons—maybe their church discourages premarital sex, or maybe they hold a position of religious authority. But non-religious people may also opt for celibacy for any number of personal reasons. It’s possible to date and still be celibate, but some people may avoid dating just to make things simpler.
Pros of Not Dating
Not dating gives you more time to focus on your own interests. When you're not dating, you have more time to cultivate your own hobbies and interests and just generally get to know yourself better. You can take up an instrument, get involved in local politics, catch up on Love Island—there are numerous things not being tethered to another person affords you the time and energy to do. This isn’t to say (healthy) relationships are controlling, or that you couldn’t do these things in a relationship. It’s just that…well, time, energy, and attention are finite resources. So when a significant portion of your time, energy, and attention is dedicated to another human being, it may limit the amount you can spend on growing as an individual.
Being single may give you more independence. Even if you and your partner don’t spend all your time together, you’ll likely still have them in mind as you go through your day: what time will they be home tonight? Should you check in with them about plans tomorrow, or just go do your thing? When you’re flying solo, you don’t have to answer to anyone, and nobody has to answer to you.
You can prioritize your relationships with friends and family. Hopefully dating doesn’t mean casting aside platonic and familial relationships, but for many couples, those other relationships may fall by the wayside. When you’re single, though, you can invest in all the non-romantic relationships you already have—plus, you have more time and energy to establish new relationships!
Not dating can be less emotionally taxing. Even in the best of relationships, there’ll be drama. Why? Because when you have 2 separate humans trying to move through life together, there’s destined to be friction sometimes. When you're alone, emotions tend to be simpler: there's no jealousy, no (potential for) resentment, no frustration that your partner forgot your anniversary, etc.
You can be selfish (we mean this in a good way). Dating and marriage can be fun and rewarding, but for a relationship to work, you have to make a lot of sacrifices. When you’re committed to singledom, though, you don’t have to compromise with anyone. If you want to order Chinese for dinner, there’s no partner to try to convince you to order Jamaican instead. (It’s a very low-stakes example, but we stand by it.) Sure, you still have to compromise with friends, family, coworkers, and other people you interact with regularly. But the level of intimacy most people experience with a significant other means the compromises tend to be bigger, beyond just what to order for dinner.
Cons of Not Dating
You might get lonely. Humans are naturally social creatures. So every once in a while, you may crave a little of the intimacy that comes (or is assumed to come) with a romantic relationship—the kissing, the nights cuddled up together, the feeling that you and your partner are each other’s one special person, and nothing could ever transcend the divine bond you both share. While romantic relationships can be extremely deep and rewarding and you’d be totally justified in wanting one now and then, remember that the magical soulmate-level intimacy of 2 people dating has been a little mythologized. Just a hair. In addition, loneliness doesn’t only exist to be solved by a romantic relationship. As Emerson wrote, “My giant goes with me wherever I go”—in other words, if you date because you’re lonely, you’re likely to still be lonely in the relationship.
You may get bored. Sure, being single means you might not experience that roller coaster of emotions that so often accompanies dating, but roller coasters can be fun, sometimes! Not dating pretty much guarantees you a lot more emotional peace, but sometimes peace is a bit of a snooze fest. Also, the healthiest relationships tend to calm down a bit after the honeymoon phase passes. Those initial weeks or months of giddiness and obsessing over one another and oh-my-god-I-can't-believe-they-like-me-back gradually subside into more placid, but deeper, levels of intimacy.
You might want some physical intimacy. For many people, physical intimacy is reserved for a romantic partner. If you’re one of them, not dating could leave you craving a nice tender forehead smooch, or a romp in the hay. (You may still be able to get these things from people you aren’t dating, though.)
You may feel pressured to date. While the societal pressure to date, marry, and have kids isn't as prevalent as it used to be, it still affects lots of people who decide to flout tradition and go it alone. So while you may know in your heart of hearts that dating isn't for you, you may still feel aggravated by your parents or friends asking when you’re going to finally settle down.
You might experience a little FOMO. Unless your friends also don’t like dating, you may feel a little left out if you find yourself in a third-wheel scenario or hear them talking excitedly about their new flings. (Then again, you can safely trust that your friends in relationships are occasionally gazing at single ol' you with wistful, envious eyes too. FOMO is pretty much unavoidable.) How do you get over FOMO? By slowing down and taking the time to appreciate the life you've got. Be discerning when it comes to making new choices: do you really want things to change, or are you just worried about missing out? Remember that "having it all" isn't a realistic (or fulfilling) goal.
Alternatives to Dating
Friendship When the chips are down, it’s friendship, not romance, that saves the day. Friendships are essential to our livelihood! However, it's easy to fall into the habit of neglecting your pals once you enter a relationship. But when you’re single, you get to devote all that extra love and attention to them! Celebrate your platonic relationships today, whether you’re dating or not.
Casual relationships Dating and sex aren’t mutually exclusive. Maybe you enjoy a casual relationship, but anything more committed than that is verging on too much. Well, lean into that! If this is your jam, if this is where the wind takes you, then by gum, go there. Apps abound for people on the hunt for casual hookups. If you want to explore the world of casual dating, download Tinder and find your next fling!
Self-love At the end of the day, the most important relationship any of us has is with ourselves. So if you don’t believe in dating or don’t enjoy it, why not take the time to cultivate a better relationship with you? Take yourself out on dates and on weekend trips. Buy yourself chocolate. Light a few candles alone in the bedroom (if you catch our drift). Fall in love with yourself!
Final Thoughts
Not wanting to date is valid—and it's becoming more common. Singledom is on the rise: the percentage of single people is up 50% since 1986, and that number only seems to be growing. Sure, the pandemic had an effect on people's ability to go out and meet other hip singles, but there's more to it than just that. So, is love dead? No! Never. There are lots of reasons why people might stay single longer (or always), and many of them are totally happy alone. Now that society is (slightly) more accepting than it used to be, many people are exploring different types of relationships, like asexual or aromantic relationships, and feel less pressure to commit to one partner, or any partner. One study found that the drop in sex and dating among younger people in recent decades may be linked to a rise in video game playing, a decrease in alcohol consumption, and declining earnings. People, especially heterosexual women, have higher standards than they used to, and are less likely to commit to the wrong partner. Even among folks who do want to partner and maybe marry, singledom is preferable to being with the wrong person.
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