What to Do After Being Discarded by a Narcissist

Give yourself time to heal.

Time is the most important component of healing. Losing a relationship with an egotistical person can be especially painful because while you were with them, you may have felt like you were living in their orbit, and gave up your own space to appease them. Although it is often better to leave relationships with people like this, it is also entirely normal to take time to grieve this loss. Understand that it may take weeks or even months to feel better—this is all part of the healing process. Don’t punish yourself if you’re still feeling bad months after being discarded. Everyone heals at their own pace, but everyone does heal.

Challenge negative beliefs about yourself.

Consciously repair any damage that they may have done. Being in a relationship with someone with narcissistic tendencies can be rough even prior to being discarded. If this person ever mistreated you or made you doubt yourself, addressing this harm may help you move on from them and heal. Practice challenging negative beliefs about yourself with positive statements. For example: If you end up thinking “I’m worthless,” tell yourself “I know I have value.” If you think “I’m a bad partner,” remind yourself “I’ve demonstrated care in relationships all my life.” If you feel “I’m a terrible daughter,” say to yourself “I’ve always done my best to be good to my parents.”

Hold them accountable for their actions.

Some people try to make you feel like everything is your fault, but it isn’t. People with narcissistic tendencies often struggle to have relationships built on mutual care and understanding, and they may deflect blame onto other people when confronted about their behavior. It’s okay to have hostile feelings towards your ex after being discarded—this is a normal response to having spent so long feeling guilty for their failures. These feelings of anger may disappear over time, but it’s better to direct that anger at them than yourself. Know that shifting blame onto them doesn’t necessarily mean confronting them after they discard you—it just means relieving yourself of the burden of guilt and shame so that you can move forward.

Spend time with friends and family.

Other meaningful relationships can replace the one you lost. Better yet, spending time with friends and family who are not manipulative can remind you of the best parts of relationships: the care, security, and happiness that can exist within them. Remind yourself that there is a lot of joy to be had with people who care for you. When you’re feeling down over being discarded, call a friend or family member, or meet up with them for coffee or a hangout. Remember that your friends and family are there for you. If the person who rejected you struggled to feel empathy and dismissed your feelings, you might have developed a habit of hiding any pain you’re in. But most people are not like this, and will be glad to help you feel better.

Practice self-care.

This is the time to focus on your own needs, not theirs. Making sure you’re eating and sleeping enough, as well as staying active, is important for keeping yourself emotionally strong. Be sure to spend some time every day doing things just for you—this could mean going out to a movie, working on an art project, or even just taking a long bath. When you’re in a relationship with a manipulative or self-absorbed person, you often end up spending much of your time catering to their whims and trying to keep them happy. Practicing self-care is an important part of reminding yourself that your own happiness matters too.

Rebuild your confidence.

Building your self-esteem will help you to move on. A relationship with a manipulative person can lead you to feel a lack of confidence about your abilities and strengths, so find ways to remind yourself of them. Meeting new people gives you a chance to show off your best qualities and doing activities by yourself can make you feel more independent and capable. Volunteering is also a great way to improve your confidence and self-esteem. When we volunteer, we’re naturally reminded of our own strength and ability to care for others.

Update your boundaries.

If this person disrespected your boundaries, this is a good time to re-establish them. Over time, self-absorbed people may begin to ignore the boundaries that you create in order to remain independent and self-sufficient. Do an exercise where you write down what boundaries you want to maintain in your relationships, so that you can remember that these are non-negotiable to you. For example, you might have boundaries that look like: “My family is important to me, and I won’t let anyone force me to sacrifice my time and attention for them.” “I won’t feel pressured into showing intimacy or affection to people when I don’t want to. I am not a bad partner for wanting my own space.” “I won’t sacrifice my career for the sake of keeping other people happy. I love my work, and I won’t let guilt derail me.”

Learn from this experience.

Even the most painful discard is a learning opportunity. Take a look back at your relationship and try to pick out the moments when this person broke your boundaries or otherwise abused your trust. How did you react, and how would you like to act in the future? If you approach it in the right way, this relationship can lead you to a lot of wisdom about how you act in relationships, and how you can cultivate better ones in the future.

Cut ties with them.

After rejecting you, they may try to suck you back in. It’s important not to fall back into this trap. If this person is someone with whom it’s difficult to disentangle yourself (say, a parent), and you feel obligated to continue your relationship with them, do so only after you’ve rebuilt your self-esteem and have found a way to live emotionally independent of them. Sending this person a message or giving them a call letting them know that you’re not interested in continuing your relationship is okay, but you can also just slowly stop contacting them.

Reflect on your childhood.

If you’re attracted to people like them, it helps to figure out why. People often get drawn to narcissistic partners as adults because they were raised by a parent with similar traits and seek out the same kind of love in romantic partners or friends. Ask yourself how you were parented, and how it felt being around your parent. Did you feel valued and cared for, or were you always managing their whims? Having this information can help you understand yourself better, and with that understanding comes a greater sense of control over your life. Journaling is a great way of getting your thoughts out on paper. Start jotting down your thoughts about the kind of love you were raised with, and see if it leads you to new reflections.

Move forward.

A discard is an opportunity to live a happier life. You don’t need someone who treats you that way in your life, and you’ll find yourself much happier without them. Good relationships require empathy, so look for new, healthier relationships instead. Moving on can take a lot of different forms depending on what your relationship was to this person. If you were in a romantic relationship, it might look like dating other people when you’re ready. If you were in a friendship, it might mean nurturing your other friendships or creating new ones.

Work with a therapist.

A mental health professional can help you process your emotions. Therapists can give you a non-judgmental space to understand your relationship to this person and help you heal from it. Many therapists are experienced at dealing with survivors of abuse, and they can offer you meaningful strategies to recover.