How to Deal With Emotionally Abusive Parents

Identifying Emotional Abuse

Learn how recognizing abuse can help you. When your parents are emotionally abusing you, it can be hard to separate the feelings that the abuse causes from the abuse itself. For example, if you don’t realize your parents are abusing you, you may start to feel bad about yourself because you’re taking their abusive words or actions to heart. Remind yourself that once you learn to identify abusive behaviors, you can start to: Recognize that what is happening is not your fault. Put more appropriate emotional distance between yourself and your abusive parents. Take control of your own reactions to the situation. Understand why your parents behave the way they do and recognize that this behavior comes from them, not from you. Get the help that you need to cope with the abuse and start to feel better.

Notice your parent humiliating you or putting you down. The abuser might try to pass it off as a joke, but this type of abuse is no laughing matter. If your parent frequently makes fun of you, belittles you in front of other people, or dismisses your ideas or concerns, you are in an emotionally abusive situation. There is a thin line between discipline, teasing and abuse. Tip: A little bit of teasing between family members can be normal and even healthy. However, if your parents put you down or call you names and then tell you to “lighten up” or say that it was “just a joke” when you get upset, they have crossed the line into abusive behavior. For example, if your dad says, "You're such a loser. I swear, you can't do anything right," this is verbal abuse. Your parent may do this in isolation or in front of others, causing you to feel bad about yourself.

Determine whether you often feel controlled by your parent. If your parent tries to control every little thing you do, gets angry when you make your own decisions, or dismisses your abilities and autonomy, then you may be in an abusive situation. People who engage in this type of abuse often treat their victims like inferiors who are incapable of making good choices or taking responsibility for themselves. Your parent may try to make decisions for you. For instance, your mom might visit your high school and ask your guidance counselor about a college you didn't want to apply to. Your parent may feel strongly that they are just "parenting," but this is abusive.

Ask yourself if your parents accuse you or blame you for things often. Some abusers have unrealistically high expectations of their victims, but refuse to admit any wrongdoing themselves. People who engage in this kind of abuse may find ways to blame you for anything and everything, even things no reasonable person would criticize you for. They may tell you that you’re the cause of their problems so they can avoid taking responsibility for themselves and their feelings. They also hold you personally responsible for their emotions. For instance, if your mother blames you for being born because she had to abandon her singing career, she is blaming you for something that wasn't your fault. If your parents say their marriage fell apart "because of the kids," that's blaming you for their inability to cope. Blaming someone for things they didn't do is an abusive technique.

Consider whether you frequently get the silent treatment. Parents who pull away from their children and don’t provide them with the emotional closeness they need are engaging in a form of child abuse. Does your parent ignore you when you’ve done something to upset them, show little interest in your activities and emotions, or try to play it off as your fault when they distance themselves from you? Love and affection aren't things you should have to bargain for. This is abusive.

Think about whether your parent seems to have your best interests at heart. Some parents, especially those with egocentric tendencies, may see you as only an extension of themselves. It’s impossible for parents like this to want what is best for you, even if they themselves believe they have your best interests at heart. Some signs of egocentric parenting include disrespecting your boundaries, trying to manipulate you into doing what they believe is “best,” and getting upset when you don’t live up to their unrealistic expectations for you. They are also often very uncomfortable with you having attention and will try to make everything about themselves. For example, your single parent may guilt-trip you by saying, "Well, I know you had a party to go to with your friends, but I'm so lonely here. You are always leaving me." This guilt-trip is a form of abuse.

Recognize normal parenting behavior. Kids and teens make mistakes sometimes; it's a part of growing up and being human. During times when you need guidance, support, or discipline, it's your parent's job to step in. It's important to be able to distinguish between natural disciplining and abusive behavior. In general, you can tell whether a parenting style is disciplining versus abuse from the level of anger exhibited by your parent. It's common for your parent to get angry or frustrated in the moment when you do something that breaks the rules. However, when anger is driving the behavior or punishment, your parent is in the danger zone of abuse. Abuse involves words or actions that are done recklessly, knowingly, and with the intent to harm. Although you may not like strict disciplining, understand that parents enforce guidelines and set consequences to protect you and steer you towards positive development. Don't use profanity. Even if your parents use cuss words at you, it's best to not copy it. You can try taking a look at some of your peers who have good relationships with their parents. What are those relationships like? What kind of support and discipline do they receive from their parents?

Know the risk factors for abuse. Emotional abuse can occur in any family. However, there are a few factors that increase the risk of emotional or physical child abuse. You may be at greater risk of being abused if your parents abuse alcohol or drugs, have untreated mental illnesses such as bipolar disorder or depression, or were abused as children themselves. Many abusive parents don’t even realize their actions are hurtful. They may not know a better style of parenting, or they may not realize that taking out their emotions on their child is abusive. Even if your parent has good intentions, they can still be abusive.

Seeking Help

Share your experiences with friends and loved ones. It can be comforting to have someone to lean on during an abusive situation. Confide in your loved one and ask them for support. They may offer positive words, validate your feelings, or have advice for you.Tip: If you don’t have any close friends or relatives, try sharing your experiences in a safe online environment, like the support forums at PsychCentral.com. Look for forums that are moderated by administrators or community members who can intervene if they see signs of bullying or abuse in the community. For instance, you might say, "I know this may come as a shock to you, but my home life is pretty bad. My mom talks down to me and tells me I won't be anything when I'm older. It's mainly words, but it makes me feel bad about myself." Keep in mind that emotional abuse often involves people brainwashing you into believing that no one will care, believe you, or take you seriously. However, you will likely be surprised by how much support you receive when you share with other people.

Confide in a trusted adult. If you’re a kid dealing with any kind of abuse at home, turn to a relative, teacher, church leader, or another adult you trust. Don’t let your abusive parent intimidate you into keeping secrets. An adult can help intervene in a situation where a kid might not have any power. You might feel awkward or embarrassed about telling an adult what’s going on, but it’s very important to let other people know if you’re being abused. Start by saying something like, “I’ve been having some problems at home lately. Can I talk to you about it?” Or, you could write about how you are feeling and give them a note if that feels more comfortable to you. If you told a teacher or a coach and they did not help, schedule a meeting with your school counselor (if your school has one) and alert this person. If you don’t want to tell someone about the abuse in person, you can call a help line at 1-800-4-A-CHILD. This help line is free, confidential, and open 24 hours a day.

Seek mental health treatment. Emotional abuse can do a lot of damage. Without treatment, you are at an increased risk of low self-esteem and you may have difficulty forming healthy relationships. It can be difficult to break the negative beliefs and thought patterns created by emotional abuse, but a counselor or therapist can help make the process easier. Look for a therapist who specializes in children or adults who are suffering abuse. During therapy you will share about your experiences as you become comfortable with the therapist. The therapist will ask questions and offer insights to help guide your sessions. If you are a kid, find out if your school offers counseling services, or ask a trusted teacher or administrator to help you connect with a counselor. If you’re able to talk to a school counselor, you could say, "There have been problems at my house. My dad doesn't actually hit me, but he calls me names and puts me down in front of other family members. Can you please help me?" If you are an adult, check to see what your health insurance will cover. Many therapists accept out-of-pocket payments on a sliding scale.

Getting Distance

Refuse to engage with verbal abuse. Don't stick around when they start abusing you. You are under no obligation to stay, call, visit, or otherwise expose yourself to abuse. Don't let your parents guilt you into thinking you need to take their bad treatment. You can stay around your siblings or friends. If you have older siblings, try to ask them for help, or even a younger sibling if they are mature and smart. Set boundaries and stick to them. If you live away from home, stop coming over or calling if they abuse you. If you live with them, retreat to your room or go to a friend's house if they are yelling at you or insulting you. Set limits if you do stay in touch. Say, "I will call you once a week, but I will hang up if you say cruel things to me." Keep in mind that you do not need to get involved in an argument if you do not want to. You don’t have to respond to what they say or try to defend yourself in any way.

Achieve financial independence. If you have the choice, don't live with an emotionally abusive parent, and don't give them any power over you. Abusers often try to maintain control by creating dependence. Earn your own money, make your own friends, and live on your own. Don't depend on abusive parents for anything. Get an education if you can. You might look into how you can apply for federal student loans without your parents. This usually requires some type of documentation from a mental health professional stating that your parents were abusive. Move out as soon as you are financially able. If you can't afford to get through college without living with or relying on abusive parents financially, make sure to take care of yourself and draw boundaries.

Consider cutting ties. You may feel obligated to fulfill a notion of duty to your parents. However, if your parents have abused you, you might find it triggering to care for them when they have been emotionally abusive, especially if the abusive behavior has continued. Consider cutting ties if your relationship is more painful than it is loving. Tip: "Closure" is not always possible in conversation with an abusive parent. If you don't want to be in touch but fear missing the chance for "closure," ask yourself: “Have they shown that they are willing to listen? Do they acknowledge my feelings?” If not, you may be better off without any contact. You don't owe a debt of care to those who have abused you. You may struggle with feelings of guilt if you have to cut ties, but remember that you made this difficult choice for a good reason. If community members do not understand why you have cut ties with your parents, you don't owe an explanation. If you decide to become your parents’ caregiver at some point, focus your discussions only on their care. If they become verbally abusive or insulting, then leave right away to make it clear that you will not tolerate this type of behavior.

Protect your children if you have any. Do not put your kids through the same abuse that you were put through. If your parents say inappropriately critical or insulting things to your children, intervene. Either end the conversation or cut off visits. You can end the conversation by saying, "We don't talk to Eli that way. If you have an issue with the way he eats, you can talk to me about it." Although most adult conversations should be conducted in private, it is important for your children to see and hear you protect them in the case of abuse. Your children will likely have a happier childhood if they are not subjected to abuse by their grandparents. Protecting your children also means not following your parents' example. There are plenty of positive parenting examples in the media and (hopefully) your coparent's family.

Caring for Yourself

Dodge your abuser's triggers. You probably already recognize the “triggers” (things said or done) that really set your parents off. If you recognize them, it may be easier for you to either avoid them or get out of the way in time to dodge abuse. One way to do this is to talk with a friend or journal about it so that you can identify contributing factors to their abuse.Tip: You may notice that certain things you do or say may trigger your parents’ abusive behaviors. However, keep in mind that the abuse is still not your fault. Nobody deserves to be abused, and your parents’ behaviors in these situations are not appropriate. For instance, if your mother always yells at you when she has been drinking, try to get out of the house as soon as you see her with a bottle. If your father tries to diminish your accomplishments when you've achieved something, refrain from telling him about your successes. Instead, tell people who support you.

Find safe places in your house. Find areas (such as your bedroom) that act as safe havens. Find another place to hang, get stuff done, and spend your time, such as a library or a friend's house. Not only can you get support from your friends at this time, but you're also away from your parents' accusations and scorn. Although it is smart to protect yourself from the abuse, you also need to recognize that it's not your fault if you do get caught in it. No matter what you say or do, it is no excuse for a parent to abuse you emotionally.

Create a safety plan. Just because the abuse is not physical does not mean it can't escalate. Develop a plan to keep yourself safe in case your parent's abuse turns physical and you think that your life is at risk. A safety plan involves having a place to go that is secure, having someone to call for help, and knowing how to take legal action against your parent if it comes to that. You might sit down with another adult, like your school counselor, and put together a plan that helps you feel prepared in case of a crisis. A safety plan may also involve keeping your cell phone charged and nearby at all times and your car keys on you.

Spend time with people who make you feel good about yourself. Healthy self-esteem is the best antidote for emotional abuse. Unfortunately, people who have been emotionally abused often have a negative view of themselves, and they also often find themselves in relationships with emotionally abusive people. To fight low self-esteem, spend time around friends, non-abusive family members, and other people who build you up instead of tearing you down. You can also build your self-esteem by participating in activities that you are good at. Take part in a sport or youth group at school or in your community. This will serve double-duty by making you feel better about yourself and getting you out of the house more.

Set personal boundaries with your parents. It’s your right to set boundaries in your relationships. If you feel safe doing so, sit down with your emotionally abusive parent and tell them which behaviors you’re comfortable with and which you’re not. When you explain your boundaries, decide what the consequences will be if your parent ignores them. Certain kinds of abusers may not respect your personal limits. If this happens to you, don’t feel guilty about following through with your consequences. It is important to follow through with your consequences because making empty threats will only make you seem less credible to the abuser. For example, you might say, “Mom, if you come home drunk and start bullying me again, I will go and live with Grandma. I want to stay with you, but your behavior frightens me.”

Learn stress management skills. No doubt about it – emotional abuse can generate a lot of stress, and sometimes it can cause long-term problems like PTSD and depression. Develop an arsenal to help you manage this stress with positive activities. Healthy stress management habits like meditation, deep breathing, and yoga can help you feel calmer and more collected on a day-to-day basis. If your symptoms are severe, seeing a therapist can be a good way to learn how to manage your stress and other emotions.

Define and focus on your positive traits. No matter what an emotionally abusive parent might have told you, you are a worthwhile person with good qualities. Don't listen to their insults and ridicule. You may have to think on this for a while, but it’s important for you to build up your self-esteem and pour love into yourself—especially if you are not getting this from a parent. Consider what you like about yourself–are you a good listener? Generous? Intelligent? Focus on the things you like about yourself, and remind yourself that you are worthy of love, respect, and care. Be sure to engage in activities you are passionate about and/or good at to help boost your self-esteem and confidence.