Talking to Your Relative
Figure out their intentions. If a family member makes a financial request, don't immediately reach for your checkbook. Take some time to consider a few things before you agree or disagree to help out. For example, can you afford to help your relative? Have they asked you for assistance before, and did they follow through on paying you back? Could the situation potentially be resolved if they simply had the right resources and tools (help budgeting, etc.)? Will your relative be able to pay you back, and what will happen if they cannot or do not pay you back? Sometimes, saying no to a request may be difficult, but can save your relationship from any future resentment or hurt feelings. Money can create strains in your relationship. Saying no is sometimes the best help you can give someone. Helping someone can turn into enabling them to continue a destructive lifestyle. If this person has a history of not paying back loans or taking advantage of others financially, it's probably best to tell them no.
Talk to them about money problems. Talking about money can be a sensitive topic, so be cautious in how you bring up financial discussions. Only ask questions that will help inform you of how to help. Don't pry into their personal problems that are irrelevant to you helping them. Show your support and let them know that you want to help, even if it isn't the way that they are requesting help. Put yourself in their shoes and think what it would be like to be in their position. What would be most helpful to them? Say, “I know you're making a request, but I'd like to know more information. What is the money going toward and will you need more money later?”
Keep them accountable. If your relative promises to pay you back but tends not to, agree on a way to keep them accountable. Make it clear that you are loaning them money, not giving them money. Agree on a payment plan or other way to keep them accountable. Set dates to have money back and sign a document to make it clear to both of you what is expected. Say, “I want to help you. I can't give you money but I can loan it to you. Let's work out a plan so that you can pay me back.”
Responding
Set clear boundaries. A relative who thinks they can depend on you for money may have more and more requests for help, even if their initial request was necessary. If you fear being taken advantage of or being put in a bad situation, create some boundaries. Be clear on how much money you're willing to gift or lend. If you're not comfortable being a revolving piggy bank, let your relative know you're willing to help them one time, then they need to find another option. Say, “I am willing to help you; however, I don't want this to happen regularly. If you need money in the future, you will need to find it somewhere else.”
Tell them “no.” It's your money, and you have the final say over how it is spent. Even if your relative is in a bad situation, you have the right to say no, even if they pressure you. You don't have to give a reason, just say, “no.” You can still care and support your relative without giving them money. Say, “I know you're looking for financial help, but I'm not able to help you at this time.” Be careful about saying, “This is the last time.” Several times can turn out the be the "last time," so be firm and say no.
Deal with their pressure. If you say no and your relative pressures you, know how to respond. Your relative may try to guilt you or take away something you care about (like access to your grandchildren). Say that you understand what they want and they do not need to pressure you into making a decision, which may make you begin to resent them. Ask them not to pressure you or guilt you from now on. Say, “I know what you want, and there is no need to pressure me or guilt me into giving you what you want.”
Look to elder care for help. If you are elderly and are being taken advantage of, reach out for community support. Financial and elder abuse unfortunately often comes from those who are close to us, as they can use that close relationship to gain access to your assets. Children and grandchildren may take advantage of their aging relatives as a way to get money. If you suspect a family member is doing this to you, you can get help from someone in your community. Find local support to help you assess the situation and get help if necessary. Although family members are among the most common financial abusers to the elderly population, they are not the only ones. Caretakers (home health care worker), neighbors, or professionals (lawyers, bankers, financial advisors) can all commit financial abuse. If you suspect financial abuse, call the the Adult Protective Services Hotline at 1-800-677-1116. You can make this call on your own behalf or on behalf of someone you suspect is being abused. If you or the elderly person live in a nursing home, contact the Nursing Home Ombudsman (http://theconsumervoice.org/get_help). They will send an advocate to investigate.
Creating Opportunities
Provide a way to earn money. If you're handing out money that's never getting paid back, find a way to make an exchange instead. For example, the next time your relative asks for money, say, “Would you be willing to help me with some house cleaning in exchange?” This way, the money can be earned and not just given. It's up to you how much money you're willing to pay your relative for their help. If they find reasons not to help you, this may indicate that they don't want to work for the money and rely on you to give it to them.
Teach them some skills. There's a saying that goes, “Give a person a fish you'll feed them for a day. Teach a person to fish and you'll feed them for a lifetime.” To someone who continuously relies on you, give them skills to rely on themselves. After all, what happens to them if something happens to you? Perhaps you make money because you took a financial management class, have steady employment, or work with a professional to manage your money. Offer to help your relative to build similar skills. Work together to create a budget, recommend a program, or recommend a financial planner.
Invest in your relative. If you have the financial means, consider making an investment in your relative. For example, help your relative invest in their education or a business. This may be a larger amount than they ask for, but consider your investment as a way to give them more security in making money in the future. For example, if your relative is struggling to get by teaching yoga, offer to help them open up a yoga studio.
Non-Financial Help
Refer them to resources. Instead of using your wallet as the solution, allow there to be other means of help. For example, if your relative is unemployed, let them know about temporary agencies that match people with temporary work, selling items online, or looking through the yellow pages or online forums to get a job. Your money does not have to be the only solution. Say, “Let's look at online listings together so we can find you a job.” Say, ”I know you're having a hard time finding a job. What are your interests and how can you put those toward more stable employment?”
Offer to help out. Find ways to assist them in furthering their career or employment. For example, offer to babysit their kids so that they can attend job interviews or work meetings. If they ask for money to pay for food, invite them over for meals at your house. Find ways you can help that don't involve money. This way, you can show that you care and want to help but in a non-financial way. Say, “At the moment I can't help you financially, but I'd love to help you in different ways. If you need help going to interviews, I can watch the kids or give you a ride.”
Recognize if the money is tied to addiction. If your relative has a problem with alcohol, drugs, gambling, or another addiction, recognize that giving them money may be enabling their addiction. If you suspect that addiction is involved, offer to help and support your loved one in other ways. Offer your support in wanting them to break free from addiction and seek professional help. Support their steps to recovery through the ups and downs. If your relative asks for money, say that you are willing to give money in order to help their recovery. For example, say that you are willing to help them seek treatment or see a counselor. Do not give them the money for treatment directly. Offer to help pay for detox and/or rehab, sending payments directly to the facility.
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