- Self-abandonment is an unhealthy coping mechanism that involves rejecting or suppressing parts of yourself, often in order to meet someone else’s needs.
- Examples of self-abandonment include ignoring your instincts, neglecting your needs, harshly criticizing or judging yourself, and suppressing your feelings.
- Overcome self-abandonment by learning to validate your feelings. Cultivate self-compassion, and don’t be afraid to set boundaries in order to protect yourself.
What is self-abandonment?
Self-abandonment occurs when you reject or suppress parts of yourself. If you don’t value yourself or distrust yourself and your instincts, it may result in self-abandonment—a conscious decision to ignore a need or feeling you have. You may prioritize other people’s needs and desires over your own or simply feel like your desires don’t really matter. Self-abandonment can take many forms, but ultimately, it's about choosing to devalue yourself. Self-abandonment is essentially an act of self-sabotage, and consistent self-abandonment can prevent you from reaching your full potential in life. Continually “abandoning yourself” also has serious mental and emotional consequences, as it often leads to feelings of guilt, shame, and worthlessness.
Examples of Self-Abandonment
Refusing to trust your instincts Do you often second-guess yourself? Do you ever make a decision despite your instincts telling you it’s the wrong one, or even let other people make the decisions for you because you assume they know better? Doubting yourself is an act of self-abandonment because you’re essentially choosing to suppress your natural intuition.
Acting against your values to please others Are you a bit of a people-pleaser? Do you even go out of your way to satisfy others when it goes against your beliefs and values? Self-abandonment often involves ignoring your own needs to make others happy and seeking external validation rather than looking inside yourself for it.
Hiding aspects of your personality Have you ever given up an interest or a personal goal—perhaps to make someone else happy or because you thought it would make you more likable? When you hide a piece of who you are from the rest of the world, you’re also effectively abandoning that part of yourself.
Suppressing your feelings Do you ever push away uncomfortable feelings like anxiety, sadness, anger, or frustration? When you engage in self-abandonment, you may avoid talking about your emotions and refuse to share them with anyone else if asked—or deny that those feelings exist, even to yourself, which makes it a lot harder to process and overcome negative emotions.
Being a perfectionist Do you set super-high standards for yourself and then become extremely critical of yourself if you fail to meet those standards? When you’re a perfectionist, it can be really hard to feel worthy no matter what you do or how hard you work—and when you refuse to accept your accomplishments and efforts, that’s also an act of self-abandonment.
Neglecting your needs How do you feel about the idea of self-care? When you get into a pattern of self-abandonment, it may feel like you’re not worthy of self-care or compassion (even though that’s not true). You may not even be able to recognize that your needs are valid and avoid taking care of yourself as a result.
Refusing to stand up for yourself When you ignore your instincts, feelings, and desires, it’s much harder to assert yourself around other people and ask for what you need. You may even end up letting people take advantage of you as a result—which is why another aspect of self-abandonment is the inability to defend yourself, set boundaries, and enforce them.
Getting into a codependent relationship People in codependent relationships sacrifice their needs for their partner’s because it feels like the best way to express love—when, in fact, it can be a pretty unhealthy dynamic because neither partner ends up feeling fulfilled. Since self-abandonment involves suppressing your needs, people who do it tend to end up in codependent relationships. Do you wonder if you might be in a codependent relationship? Take a quiz to find out.
What causes self-abandonment?
Unhealthy patterns during childhood often lead to self-abandonment. If you had parents or other influential adults in your childhood who neglected your needs and emotions (or even abandoned you in some way), it may cause you to feel unworthy and lead to self-abandonment as you get older. Adults often repeat familiar patterns from childhood, so if someone important mistreated you, you might begin to mistreat yourself too. Essentially, self-abandonment is both a learned behavior and an unhealthy coping mechanism. Children are supposed to rely on their adult caretakers for support and love, but when you have a dysfunctional family, you may learn to hide your true self and do whatever you have to do to meet their needs instead—which isn't what should happen.
How to Stop Abandoning Yourself
Let yourself have feelings and needs. Practice identifying your emotions in the moment as you feel them. Then, ask yourself what you need based on that emotion. Stay present in your own mind, even when experiencing negative emotions. Listening to yourself and acknowledging your feelings will, in turn, help you figure out what you need to do in order to fulfill your needs—and help you live a happier, healthier life! For example, you might say to yourself, “I’m feeling sad. I need to cry and then cheer myself up by watching my favorite movie.” If it’s tough for you to identify your feelings at first, carry around a list of different emotions with you. That way, you’ll be able to refer to the list whenever you need it. Meditation is another great tool to help you practice mindfulness and accept your feelings. Try meditating regularly and using that time to reflect on your current emotions.
Understand the triggers that lead to self-abandonment. Triggers are essentially the situations or events that tend to set you off and cause you to sabotage yourself. For example, you might start doing it in situations where you feel judged, anxious, or overwhelmed. Think back on the moments you abandoned yourself, and figure out why those moments made you do it. When you’re aware of your triggers, it’s easier to avoid them in the future. Once you know your triggers, prepare for situations that might trigger your self-sabotage urge in advance and develop healthy coping mechanisms for them. For example, if you find that your anxiety often leads to self-abandonment, practice things like deep breathing exercises or journaling to vent your emotions.
Be authentic in everything you do. Resist the urge to hide parts of yourself away, even if you’re afraid of judgment or disapproval. Remember: it’s okay if not everyone likes you. You’re not going to like everyone you meet either; it’s only natural! Being true to yourself is far more important than pleasing everyone, so express yourself unapologetically in every area of your life—from your hair and clothes to your hobbies, creative projects, and career. It might take time to reclaim your identity at the beginning of this process since self-abandonment may cause you to fall out of touch with yourself. Be patient and gentle with yourself as you rediscover what matters to you and all the different things you enjoy. It’s a process!
Cultivate compassion for yourself. Everyone deserves care and compassion—including you. You’re probably great at doing this for other people already, but it’s also important to be able to show yourself that same compassion. To cultivate self-compassion, be mindful of your negative feelings and recognize when you’re suffering. Then, work on reassuring yourself that those feelings are normal and valid—everyone has them. Along the way, get in the habit of practicing self-care, especially during moments when you need comfort. Self-care can be anything, from eating well, getting enough sleep, and exercising to doing activities and hobbies that make you happy. The goal of practicing self-compassion is to help you be more aware of your feelings without judging yourself for them. Your feelings deserve to be addressed, but they don’t define you!
Stand up for yourself and set healthy boundaries. It can be scary to be assertive when you’re afraid of upsetting other people, but it’s an important part of learning to love yourself. Remember that your needs are just as important as anyone else’s, and start advocating for yourself during conversations. Learn to say “no” when it’s in your best interests to do so, and set boundaries to protect yourself from people who may be toxic or harmful influences in your life. For example, it’s okay to ask your partner to stop what they’re doing and comfort you when you’re having a bad day or tell your friends that you’re tired and don’t want to go out at the moment. Alternatively, you might have a particular family member who tends to make you feel bad about yourself and trigger your self-abandonment habits—so it’s okay to set boundaries and distance yourself from them. Don’t think of yourself as being “pushy” or “annoying” when you stand up for yourself. You’re just expressing your needs, which is something everyone can (and should) do.
Learn to love yourself. It can be hard to practice self-love when you’re used to abandonment, but loving yourself is the key to completely changing your self-sabotaging mindset. If you feel bad about yourself, you’re more likely to treat yourself poorly too. So, to fix that, start reframing negative thoughts about yourself as positive ones and use positive affirmations to focus on all the reasons you’re lovable rather than the things you don’t like. Try positive affirmations like, “I am in control of what happens today,” and “I believe in myself!” Ask yourself questions like: “What do I like about myself?” “What am I proud of?” and “What have I improved at? What can I do today that I couldn’t do a year ago?”
Seek help from a professional if necessary. Putting a stop to self-abandonment may take time, and it’s okay if you need a little extra help. Consider finding a therapist; they can help you figure out the root causes of the self-abandonment and develop healthier coping mechanisms so you’ll eventually be able to overcome it. They can also support you, encourage you to make progress and be an impartial listener when you need to vent.
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